Saturday, 1 February 2014

Spiraling Downward and Slipping Away

I'm slowly trying to come to terms with raising my intake and maintaining my weight again. It's not going to be easy, but I know I don't have much choice. 

I need to eat a little more to avoid having to eat a lot more. I need to maintain to avoid gaining. I need to keep away from hospital to keep anorexia close.

I have been pushing myself to eat something a little more 'substantial' each day, but it never adds more than 50-150 cal compared to the 'safe' options. My intake's been sitting anywhere between 350-700 cal for the past week or two and it all feels like too much. A couple of days pushed into the 900s, and I wanted to tear my stomach off.

The dietician asked me to have an Ensure everyday this week. Hah. To be honest, I haven't had any. I know that if I drink the Ensure, I'll just eat fewer calories from actual food. I don't work well with such variable goals. This is why I've always had calorie-based goals with my dietician, like "950-1,000 calories a day, eat what you can and top the rest up with Ensure". Otherwise I play with the numbers and twist the goals to keep my calorie intake lower.

I haven't been feeling too great the past few days. I've got an annoying little headache and a touch of fever, and enough phlegm that I practically wake up choking on it (gross, I know). On the plus side, it's helping me keep my exercise capped at one hour. I've been smoking like a train again which I'm sure hasn't helped. I'm back up to 40-50 cigarettes a day after getting down to ~35, and I'm smoking more of them, *ahem*, 'other stuff' than I have for months. 

I crashed in a heap after spending all weekend hunched over my sewing machine. My motivation has been sapped and I feel utterly useless. I do my step aerobics in the morning, and I do obligatory food prep throughout the day, but most of my time is spent chain-smoking in my armchair, still. Lorazepam is actually keeping me relatively docile. I'm self-harming less, and my panic attacks and breakdowns have reduced dramatically since I started taking it.

Speaking of, I see the GP next Thursday. I have to tell her that I've been taking lorazepam everyday since just before Christmas, despite her telling me it was a once-off prescription when she gave it to me back in May. I also need her to find another bloody antidepressant for me to try. Zyban was covered by my pension for two months as a 'quit smoking aid' (hah) and she was hoping my insurance would cover it afterwards, but they won't. I think this is the first time my health insurance has ever failed me.

Also, I'm pretty sure it'll be the last appointment before she corners me into seeing the Mental Health Nurse, so I can start panicking about that again. Yay.

I did mess around with a little sewing on Wednesday/Thursday. I made this little patchwork pin cushion wristband one day, and the big heavy pin cushion and scraps bag in the background the next. It was nice to have a quick no-pattern-required project to distract me as a break from the frustratingly precise dress.



  1. I STILL haven't started on my dress. I'm terrified of what the measuring tape will reveal.

    Have you ever tried those vapor cigs? I thought maybe they might help with the phlegm problem. My mom uses one...I'll ask her about it and let you know:)

  2. <3

    I don't know what to say, but I want you to know you have my support and I always wish the best for you.

  3. as a reply to your comment before i read your post: i've gained 100g today! oops. but still a lot of weight loss. 1.4kg in a few days. the Rolos i have are delightful. *w* WOW. 2 years ago. a fun fact about me: i love you already.
    "I need to keep away from hospital to keep anorexia close." this actually makes a lot of sense to me. i'm sorry you're in such a rut m'dear. i honestly just hope the best of you.
    im sorry my dear. i'm sorry about how hard things have been for you. omg. cigarettes. i might just about have a huge addiction to them if i ever start. i hope you feel better soon. you're an angel to me.
    shhhhhhhh. stop panicking. take things in as they are, my dear. i love you dearly. x

    -Sam Lupin

  4. Was going to say that it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, but then I realised how ironic that would be…. :)

    I know what it feels like to feel like you've got nothing else to cling on to but your eating disorder too, but cling on too tightly and someone else will only try to snatch it away. I know trying to maintain your weight sounds like a daunting prospect, but every little step you make is a step in the right direction. Maybe you could set yourself some kind of small, but rigid goals? I know when I feel like I've achieved something it gives my mood and my motivation a bit of a boost. Anyway…

    Take care of yourself. I'm sure you probably don't believe it, but you're worth it. x

  5. It sounds to me that you have a lot of overwhelming stuff going on. Your smoking sounds a lot like mine. I adore the pin cushion. It's so cute. I'm glad that your self harming has gone down. That's an accomplishment in itself. I hope you find a way for your insurance to cover an antidepressant for you. Sending you my love.

  6. I know how you feel about ensure Bella, I can't stand it, blah. When I was in treatment I could never understand why some would opt to replace parts of their meal for that stuff. Whatever floats their boat I guess :s When I'm not eating enough I like taking vitamins to know that I'm taking care of my bones and my hair (lets be honest, mainly my hair) so that I don't need to take ensure.
    This may sound creepy, but I would bring you some of my soup in a heartbeat if I was your real life friend <3
    Keep kickin lovey!

  7. i know that you are feeling a lot of negative things at the moment and for a lot of good reasons so i am going to tell you right now that i love you for a lot of good reasons too *hugs forever*
    depression is like...honestly, for me, i got it when i was trying to recover. funny story about that. it's like 2 months straight into my recovery, eating 1800kcal a day - it just hit me.
    i'm so amazed that i had my S. at that time. she is bipolar. but when i told them that i was developing depression, they're both told me "i hope it wasn't as bad for you as it was for me". that still pisses me off to this day.
    oh, as for delusions, i have no idea. i think meeting S and my current girlfriend is a huge part of the thing. my girlfriend, Rachel, is a 90lb 4'11" girl. my S is 103 at 5'5". at the height of that particular mood in the depression, i told Rachel to take a picture of herself just so i can see how thin she is. i like those pictures. i keep them there when i feel that way but half the time it's like "What if she lost weight" or "what if this is just a bad angle" or "what if she weighs herself with her clothes on and she's even thinner than i think?" that last one is a huge thing for me. i weigh myself practically naked and i'm sure that S. and Rachel don't. i know S. doesn't. Rachel not so sure. and that yet again makes me unhappy.
    (I hate it when people say things like "you don't need to be thin to be pretty". There are so many implied undertones, I don't even know where to begin, it makes my blood boil.) THANK. YOU. i thought it was just me. oh my God, when you read some fanfiction about EDs, that's the worst because they are so off half the time it's not even funny.
    my dreams are on and off. they don't interfere with my sleep as much. i know when i'm fairly depressed, i do tend to dream a lot more and when the ED is in full-swing, i get nightmares too.
    i like your theory! especially because mono diet don't have a calorie limit - they have a gram quota that you have to stick to based on BMI.
    i love you okaaaaaaaaaay
    you are the sweetest thing on the planet. x i hope you're doing better now and i hope that things are getting better. i wish you the best.

    -Sam Lupin

  8. It lightens my heart to read that your self harm is lessening this week. Someone else mentioned it, but I agree- perhaps try the E-cigarettes. That way you get the nicotine but avoid (most of?) the carcinogens. I support you whole-heartedly in upping your intake. We don't want you being hospitalized! Far better to put on a couple kg. You will be all right, Bella. You are beautiful and strong. I look forward to reading more from you too! You're a sweetheart and have all of my support. Xoxo Calla

  9. 'I need to keep away from hospital to keep anorexia close.' I'm in exactly the same boat.

    'I wanted to tear my stomach off.' This is how eating makes me feel too. :(

    I'm really sorry you've not been feeling well. Are you feeling a bit better by now? Sending you big get well hugs! I'm actually really glad that it means you don't exercise for more than an hour, I've been so worried about you! (still am!)

    I'm glad your s/h has reduced, and panic attacks too, lorazepam sounds great to me, I wish I could get some to help me. Did you have to ask your gp for it?

    Your pin cushion is beautiful! You're so talented!

    Thinking of you loads Bella. Take care of yourself. Love always