Spiraling Downward and Slipping Away

I'm slowly trying to come to terms with raising my intake and maintaining my weight again. It's not going to be easy, but I know I don't have much choice. 

I need to eat a little more to avoid having to eat a lot more. I need to maintain to avoid gaining. I need to keep away from hospital to keep anorexia close.

I have been pushing myself to eat something a little more 'substantial' each day, but it never adds more than 50-150 cal compared to the 'safe' options. My intake's been sitting anywhere between 350-700 cal for the past week or two and it all feels like too much. A couple of days pushed into the 900s, and I wanted to tear my stomach off.

The dietician asked me to have an Ensure everyday this week. Hah. To be honest, I haven't had any. I know that if I drink the Ensure, I'll just eat fewer calories from actual food. I don't work well with such variable goals. This is why I've always had calorie-based goals with my dietician, like "950-1,000 calories a day, eat what you can and top the rest up with Ensure". Otherwise I play with the numbers and twist the goals to keep my calorie intake lower.

I haven't been feeling too great the past few days. I've got an annoying little headache and a touch of fever, and enough phlegm that I practically wake up choking on it (gross, I know). On the plus side, it's helping me keep my exercise capped at one hour. I've been smoking like a train again which I'm sure hasn't helped. I'm back up to 40-50 cigarettes a day after getting down to ~35, and I'm smoking more of them, *ahem*, 'other stuff' than I have for months. 

I crashed in a heap after spending all weekend hunched over my sewing machine. My motivation has been sapped and I feel utterly useless. I do my step aerobics in the morning, and I do obligatory food prep throughout the day, but most of my time is spent chain-smoking in my armchair, still. Lorazepam is actually keeping me relatively docile. I'm self-harming less, and my panic attacks and breakdowns have reduced dramatically since I started taking it.

Speaking of, I see the GP next Thursday. I have to tell her that I've been taking lorazepam everyday since just before Christmas, despite her telling me it was a once-off prescription when she gave it to me back in May. I also need her to find another bloody antidepressant for me to try. Zyban was covered by my pension for two months as a 'quit smoking aid' (hah) and she was hoping my insurance would cover it afterwards, but they won't. I think this is the first time my health insurance has ever failed me.

Also, I'm pretty sure it'll be the last appointment before she corners me into seeing the Mental Health Nurse, so I can start panicking about that again. Yay.

I did mess around with a little sewing on Wednesday/Thursday. I made this little patchwork pin cushion wristband one day, and the big heavy pin cushion and scraps bag in the background the next. It was nice to have a quick no-pattern-required project to distract me as a break from the frustratingly precise dress.

xxBella