What can I say? Tuesday was dietician day. 8:10am, every week.
I got there late, for the third time in two years, with tear-smudged makeup and my head down. I'd been crying on and off all morning, stuck in my armchair blubbering on about how it was all pointless and a waste before dragging myself out to the appointment. I barely said twenty words throughout the appointment, and ended up crying on her too.
My weight's been fluctuating up and down small amounts, much like my intake, but is much the same as it was when I weighed myself at home - around 44kg. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. Stubbornly, I still want it to drop further.
She asked me to try for an Ensure every second day, and to get my calories up to 800 everyday. I shrugged. We'll see. I haven't been so far, but I'm glad she's given me a number to aim for at least.
Over the weekend, I tried to spend some time in my bedroom. It's a long story, but I haven't used my bedroom for a long time. For years, I've slept on the couch.
So I lay on my bed, put on the final season of Futurama, and after smoking two cones to calm myself, I passed out.
I woke up 90 minutes later, feeling disoriented, panicked and horribly low. We'd been planning a no-oil stir-fry (stir-dry?) for dinner. Half an hour after waking, I went in to chop up the capsicum, the green beans, the carrots. When it was time to start on the chicken, I broke down crying on the floor. I couldn't do it. I had soy sauce with my rice instead.
All I want to do is stay in bed all day, but I don't have a bed to do it in.
There is no place for me to just be.
There is no place for me to feel safe or relaxed.
There is no place for me.
I'm trying to keep up with my New Years Resolution of leaving the house once a month. I've started planning what I'm going to do next. I want to go back to the You Yangs, but I want to attempt a trail walk this time too, and take lots of pictures and make a day of it. Now I'm just waiting for a day when it isn't too hot, or too windy, or raining.
Thank you to everyone who's been reading and commenting with words of support. It means more to me than I can ever express. I'd be utterly lost and alone without all of you wonderful people. Apologies that I rarely have anything interesting or positive to say anymore.