Friday, 14 February 2014

Same place, same time

It's been a week. It seems I struggle for words more and more as time goes by.

What can I say? Tuesday was dietician day. 8:10am, every week.
I got there late, for the third time in two years, with tear-smudged makeup and my head down. I'd been crying on and off all morning, stuck in my armchair blubbering on about how it was all pointless and a waste before dragging myself out to the appointment. I barely said twenty words throughout the appointment, and ended up crying on her too.

My weight's been fluctuating up and down small amounts, much like my intake, but is much the same as it was when I weighed myself at home - around 44kg. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. Stubbornly, I still want it to drop further.

She asked me to try for an Ensure every second day, and to get my calories up to 800 everyday. I shrugged. We'll see. I haven't been so far, but I'm glad she's given me a number to aim for at least.

Over the weekend, I tried to spend some time in my bedroom. It's a long story, but I haven't used my bedroom for a long time. For years, I've slept on the couch.
So I lay on my bed, put on the final season of Futurama, and after smoking two cones to calm myself, I passed out.

I woke up 90 minutes later, feeling disoriented, panicked and horribly low. We'd been planning a no-oil stir-fry (stir-dry?) for dinner. Half an hour after waking, I went in to chop up the capsicum, the green beans, the carrots. When it was time to start on the chicken, I broke down crying on the floor. I couldn't do it. I had soy sauce with my rice instead.

All I want to do is stay in bed all day, but I don't have a bed to do it in. 
There is no place for me to just be. 
There is no place for me to feel safe or relaxed. 
There is no place for me.

I'm trying to keep up with my New Years Resolution of leaving the house once a month. I've started planning what I'm going to do next. I want to go back to the You Yangs, but I want to attempt a trail walk this time too, and take lots of pictures and make a day of it. Now I'm just waiting for a day when it isn't too hot, or too windy, or raining.

Thank you to everyone who's been reading and commenting with words of support. It means more to me than I can ever express. I'd be utterly lost and alone without all of you wonderful people. Apologies that I rarely have anything interesting or positive to say anymore.



  1. I wish I had the right thing to say here, but all I can do is offer my support and my love. You've been on my mind a lot lately, just know you're in my thoughts.

  2. I've been thinking of you Bella, I'm sorry there's nothing I can do to help.
    Why don't you like your room? Maybe you could change it around a little to make it fresh and your own and you might like to spend time in there when you need that time out? Everyone needs a space.
    Going to the You Yangs would be great, I hope you get some nice weather sometime soon :)
    Have you been getting much sewing done lately?
    Also, please don't feel like you need to apologise for the content of your content of your blog. It's YOUR blog, where you can express whatever you feel. And anyway it's an insight for all of us into your life and the wonderful person that you are.
    Keep your head up hun <3
    Alice xx

  3. when i read the first paragraph, my heart just sunk in my chest. darling, this breaks my heart in ways you cannot even imagine.
    i'm glad she gave you a number to aim for as well. i've been hectically worried about you, darling. you're such a strong girl though. it feels like even after all forces of the universe have gone against you, you still stand strong. i'm glad you've actually been going to your dietitian. nothing would make me happier as to see you get better. whether it be weight-wise (though i know you want to drop further) or it be emotional-wise.
    honestly, i wish you'd feel a more emotional stability soon. i believe you deserve more than what you've been given, so much more. you are such a lovely, gorgeous individual and nobody could take that away from you.
    you don't have to say anything interesting or positive. we just want you to feel better, darling. any way that is possible. honestly, i'd love for you to feel happy again. words cannot express how badly i want you to get better. in any way possible. you deserve so much more than what you're given and you are such a staggeringly lovely person and no words i can ever say can describe how touching you really are.
    i love you, sweetheart. try to take care of yourself. <3 you're always in my thoughts.

    -Sam Lupin

  4. I'm so sorry I have never seen your blog! I have had a hard time keeping up with those who come and go, but I'm rededicating myself to blogging so I expect to read more of you! Take care

  5. Mini milo is on his way to you in the post, I just sent him this afternoon, he will look after you and boo, he loves hugs. I know you feel lost, imagine the lost space between us, we can get there in our mind, and imagine warm duvet days with diet coke and box sets. One day, when I escape york, I would love to visit and hibernate holiday with you :) I know you're struggling a lot, message me anytime about anything xxx

    this is for you. :)

    -Sam Lupin

  7. Oh honey, I wish you would give some of the positive energy you leave the rest of us in your comments, to your self. Try your best to follow your nutritionists advice.. And I really hope you find something fun to do for your outing :)

  8. response to your comment on my blog, sweetie:
    no, you're not a hypocrite. we sometimes feel things for other people that are hurting themselves or feeling the way we do sometimes more than we do ourselves. i mean with i'd rather i be in pain than anyone i love which is why reading your posts sometimes just really breaks my heart. i just want to wrap you into blankets most of the time and just stay there in your little Aussie sewing world.
    i just looked up those chocolate covered rice cakes. those. those i can live off. pretty much. fuck. wow. orgasm.
    "I googled to find a picture of them, and on the first page was a photo I'd taken and posted on my blog when I first found them. I had no memory of such." you are completely and utterly adorable.
    a nut butter mono would be sickening but it would definitely work bc 1) ketosis 2) higher fat than protein has shown to have weight loss shit and 3) hello, nut butters.
    YES. OH MY FUCKING GOSH. you know what's annoying? like sometimes you weigh certain vegetables, and chop them and weigh them again and even though you definitely did not lose a singular piece, no matter how small, it also seems to weigh less.
    scales are the best. i'm unsure of how a lot of people can go by cup measurements. i find them like...ridiculously inaccurate. you can put so much rice in 1/2 a cup, but 30g of rice is 30g of rice.
    oh my god, you know interconverting calories in your head with grams and shit. and how easily people get trapped in the serving size and grams thing! i probably know the grams of every packaged product.
    it's alright, darling. i'm still in one piece. i'll live. this just tends to happen sometimes. this is how i respond apparently to high levels of stress. i'll be fine. x
    only person that said happy valentine's? because you're mine that's why. <3

    -Sam Lupin
    PS. i love you. i hope you have a good day and please try to take care of yourself.

  9. A lot of pics and walk sounds just amazing. Like you know, you need that. Just like the bedroom, positive changes - or I think it is. Sounds like it if you're trying out something you haven't done in long time, it's as important as trying new things. You're special honey, step at the time because as long as you keep taking them, they take you forward.

    You're so important to me too, no matter how down you are I know you'll get right back up in the end because you have such a beautiful way to care about people. Thank you for those comments honey.
    <3 <3

  10. I read something I thought was cool today...Every morning you have two choices:continue to sleep with your dreams, or wake up and chase them. Even if you don't have a bed or a room or a central place of your own, try to find a way to make something of it. It's almost the end of February, I don't want you to cry throughout the oncoming months. Go to the mountains, take lots of walks and pictures. Find something to make yours. I love you dear, I hope you're taking care even though it's rough. It's not pointless.

  11. Just keep trying to stick to the goals being set out for you. I know it's hard and you are really struggling but every time you even attempt to meet a goal it's a step. Rice and soy sauce is better then nothing so it's good you at least ate that.

  12. I'm glad you were able to make it to the appointment, love. Success comes in all sizes, and getting yourself out of the house and the appointment is definitely an achievement. I am proud of you for managing at least rice and soy sauce. You will keep making progress as long as you keep trying! Your fighting spirit is inspiring; you keep trying, and that is beautiful! You are beautiful in so many more ways; in your attention and detail when sewing, in your honesty when writing, in your encouraging comments on our posts! There are so many types of beauty beyond a weight measurement, and you certainly are beautiful. Hang in there and keep working on that calorie intake. I think 800 sounds like a good place to get to, I am SURE that you can do it! xoxo Calla