Monday, 30 December 2013

Looking Back

Tomorrow's New Year's Eve. I'll be spending it at home, most likely asleep by midnight, just like every other year.

But today, I'm reflecting, trying to figure out where the year's gone. It seems to've flown by while I've stayed stuck in the same place. There have been few big changes, but there were some. Let's start at the beginning.

On the 20th of January, we unexpectedly said goodbye to our beautiful 15 year old girl, Silky. It destroyed me. Part of me died when I saw the moment her life left her eyes. It breaks my heart everyday when I look at her collar, still on display on the back porch.

I stopped leaving the house in January, with the exception of appointments. For several months prior I'd only go to the supermarket, with decreasing regularity, but then I just stopped. Mum seems to link it to when a lady approached me in the meat section and started gushing in a shrill voice 'Oh my gawd! You're like a model! You're so tall, you're so thin, I wish I looked like you. Honey, come look at this girl...', as that was one of the last times I went out. I link it more to Silky's passing and the devastating impact it had on me. Since then, I think I've gone out three times; twice to the cheese factory, and once to the You Yangs for a picnic.

I turned 20 years old on the 30th of April. A week later I was diagnosed with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, after being ill for quite some time. I was admitted to hospital, suffering from an exacerbation and an infection called Bronchiolitis. My lungs functioned at about 30%, and I was told I had to quit smoking. I'm getting there. Slowly. 

In July, I started sewing again, after three years on hiatus. So far, I've made a coat, a dress, two fitted skirts, two loose skirts and two pairs of track pants. After becoming more comfortable with my skills again, I started working on a historical project in November. 

As for my weight, it's been another relatively uneventful year on the scales. I've been between roughly 42-47kg (BMI 12.3-13.7) throughout the year. I lost a little at the start of the year, then started maintaining again in July, which I held for about four or five months until it started dropping again a few weeks ago. I don't know exactly how much I weigh right now, and I'm okay with that, though I do have a tentative weigh-in date in the back of my mind coming up in the new year.

As much as 2013 hasn't been a great year, there are some positives. I've met so many wonderful people on here over the past year, and friendships have grown stronger and closer. I know I say it a lot, but I honestly couldn't have made it through without you guys. This community has been my rock, my support network, my social life, my safety net to catch me when I fall, and it means more to me than words can express. 

So, here's to 2014. I've got my new notebooks; two for food logs, two to keep track of my smoking, covering six months each. I'm not one for setting resolutions, but I do have a few goals for next year. I want to work towards leaving the house more. I want to keep sewing, further my skill and build my knowledge, and maybe even get back into corsetry. I want to reconnect with some old friends. I want to try to move out of home. I don't necessarily have clear plans for these things, but they're something to keep in the back on my mind.

I have no idea where I'll be in a year's time, but there's only one way to find out. 


xxBella

9 comments:

  1. Happy New Year Bella. May 2014 bring you health and happiness. <3

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  2. Those seem like awesome new years resolutions <3
    I hope you have a fabulous 2014 <3 <3

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  3. You know, I grew up on a farm and loved a lot of animals, ones I had taken care of since birth, and I saw a lot of death. Sounds silly but I held my goat as I died. It's hard losing a pet but you know, it's absolutely great having them.
    Bella, you are a beautiful soul. You have such a capacity for kindness and empathy and you take time to comment on every main point of a person's post. You just encourage and love and I have been so down before and you've been there to encourage me. As strong as you are to hold me when I'm falling, I know you're strong enough to be at this. I know you're strong enough to overcome your PTSD and the other things that you and I have in common. You're beautiful. You're broken like the rest of us and that's okay. You're tall and if you gain weight you have a lot of distance to disperse it. :) I'm blessed. Extremely. When you started commenting on my posts when I was magic during my relapse you gave me soft support and I can't tell you what that has meant to me in times I've had to fake strong. I know this part of you and I love you. Inside and out. I'm sure If I were to take a trio to Australia I would love you even more. Thank you for being in my life and allowing me to be in yours. I love you.

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  4. I'm sorry you lost Silky- especially after having her for so long, she was definitely a part of the family. That was really rude of that lady to say what she did to you. People think they can just walk up to people and start commenting on their appearance. I think complimenting a person's clothes or hair is okay, but as for commenting on a person's body? That's a little uncalled for!

    I've heard smoking is difficult to overcome- but you can do it! Your lungs will thank you in the long run. And I LOVE that coat!! It's so beautiful! Where did you learn to sew like that? I have a sewing machine but my skills are horrible- I can barely hem or fix a button! When you get back into corsetry, I would love to see your work (a corset is something I've wanted for a while so I would love to learn to make my own. I love costumey/period style clothes).

    I'm so glad I found the blogger community- I've been reading blogs for a while and even started a couple several months ago, but the really shy side of me caused me to delete them after a short time. I'm determined to overcome my shyness and become more social. I feel closer to people on here than I do in real life!

    I hope 2014 is a wonderful year for you!

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  5. There are so many wonderful experiences to be had in the world! Don't miss out. Life is way too short. I hope you can get out more and start to enjoy it.

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  6. All my love Bella, I hope you have a wonderful 2014, you deserve it <3 <3 <3

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  7. Great post my dear. Good job for maintaining your weight through out the year and I agree, this year has been a great year to meet people on this community. Sending love and best wishes for 2014. XOXO

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  8. GL with your goals Bella :) And Happy new year :)

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  9. You wonderful thing, you're so brave, embracing the exciting changes in the year to come! Keep up the sewing, your projects are stunning and so are you!
    I'm feeling optimistic about 2014 as well. :) You are always such a positive force, I'm trying to send some of it back your way... *radiates good feelings* And a little extra good wishing coming your way, for the smoking, I know how difficult that can be...

    Happy New Year! :)

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