Looking Back

Tomorrow's New Year's Eve. I'll be spending it at home, most likely asleep by midnight, just like every other year.

But today, I'm reflecting, trying to figure out where the year's gone. It seems to've flown by while I've stayed stuck in the same place. There have been few big changes, but there were some. Let's start at the beginning.

On the 20th of January, we unexpectedly said goodbye to our beautiful 15 year old girl, Silky. It destroyed me. Part of me died when I saw the moment her life left her eyes. It breaks my heart everyday when I look at her collar, still on display on the back porch.

I stopped leaving the house in January, with the exception of appointments. For several months prior I'd only go to the supermarket, with decreasing regularity, but then I just stopped. Mum seems to link it to when a lady approached me in the meat section and started gushing in a shrill voice 'Oh my gawd! You're like a model! You're so tall, you're so thin, I wish I looked like you. Honey, come look at this girl...', as that was one of the last times I went out. I link it more to Silky's passing and the devastating impact it had on me. Since then, I think I've gone out three times; twice to the cheese factory, and once to the You Yangs for a picnic.

I turned 20 years old on the 30th of April. A week later I was diagnosed with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, after being ill for quite some time. I was admitted to hospital, suffering from an exacerbation and an infection called Bronchiolitis. My lungs functioned at about 30%, and I was told I had to quit smoking. I'm getting there. Slowly. 

In July, I started sewing again, after three years on hiatus. So far, I've made a coat, a dress, two fitted skirts, two loose skirts and two pairs of track pants. After becoming more comfortable with my skills again, I started working on a historical project in November. 

As for my weight, it's been another relatively uneventful year on the scales. I've been between roughly 42-47kg (BMI 12.3-13.7) throughout the year. I lost a little at the start of the year, then started maintaining again in July, which I held for about four or five months until it started dropping again a few weeks ago. I don't know exactly how much I weigh right now, and I'm okay with that, though I do have a tentative weigh-in date in the back of my mind coming up in the new year.

As much as 2013 hasn't been a great year, there are some positives. I've met so many wonderful people on here over the past year, and friendships have grown stronger and closer. I know I say it a lot, but I honestly couldn't have made it through without you guys. This community has been my rock, my support network, my social life, my safety net to catch me when I fall, and it means more to me than words can express. 

So, here's to 2014. I've got my new notebooks; two for food logs, two to keep track of my smoking, covering six months each. I'm not one for setting resolutions, but I do have a few goals for next year. I want to work towards leaving the house more. I want to keep sewing, further my skill and build my knowledge, and maybe even get back into corsetry. I want to reconnect with some old friends. I want to try to move out of home. I don't necessarily have clear plans for these things, but they're something to keep in the back on my mind.

I have no idea where I'll be in a year's time, but there's only one way to find out. 

xxBella