Friday, 20 December 2013

Pandora's Box

I've started exercising again. Needless to say, it's not with my lung health in mind. 

In truth, today was day six. I started on Sunday. I hadn't exercised for one year, three months and three days, nearly to the minute. 

I've been doing step aerobics for an hour a day, sometimes a little more. My breathing can't hold up for much longer, not yet anyway, so I haven't been going crazy with it. 

It doesn't matter how tired I am, how much I don't want to move, or how much I ache. It's one of the few things I can actually motivate myself to get out of my chair for. I just do it. Anxiety gets me started straight after breakfast. Exhaustion overpowers me the moment I sink back into my chair. It's just a case of mind over matter. I pop in my headphones, and don't stop until the timer does.

I never listen to music anymore. It's too emotional. I can't do it without crying. I listen to the 80's radio station in the car and the kitchen, though it's not the same as actually listening to music. But I do when I exercise. Pounding the step in time with the music, sweating the feelings out. My playlist has been the same for years, a mix featuring My Chemical Romance, Deadmau5, Marilyn Manson, The Doors, The Sisters of Mercy, David Bowie and Bauhaus. They all hit home the same way they did years ago, strike the same places in my heart.

I haven't been sleeping well lately. The nightmares are back with full force. I spend the nights tossing and turning on the couch, waking up every hour and fighting to get back to sleep. Summer is always bad for PTSD but I've never known why. It doesn't correlate with anything. It just is.

I had 400ml of Shiraz on Tuesday night, totaling 1,200 calories for the day. Wednesday was 550, yesterday was 650. I'm trading in sandwiches for fruit, sugar-free ice cream for hot chocolate, in an effort to keep my carb intake at a safe level while conserving calories (my blood sugars still fall at the drop of a hat). Yesterday I made something I haven't had since last summer, which I haven't a proper name for, but it's equal weights of nonfat vanilla yoghurt and frozen strawberries, blended together to make a low-calorie frozen snack. Try it, it's brilliant. 

Thank you to everyone who's been reading and sending kind words lately. You lovely ladies are the bright spot in these dark days. 


(Yesterday, it was 41°C [106°F], so I spent the day inside, slugging down water. Since that meant smoking less, I distracted myself by bleaching and dying my hair. I was a smidgen short on bleach, so I have kind of a two-tone thing going on, but let's call them 'highlights' and say I did it on purpose.)


  1. You're hair is so long! I like it. I've been thinking of dyeing mine, I'm bored with just plain brown. Not my entire head, but maybe dip dye? I'm sorry you're having nightmares! That's the worst, when the stress and anxiety follows you into sleep. I can't say I really have nightmares...I had them when I was little, and they were odd recurring ones about my family dying? I didn't sleep, I kept myself up with books or tv so I wouldn't have to sleep. Do your meds cause sleep problems? And oh wow, that's hot. I wish I could have heat for Christmas instead of winter. Good luck on the exercising, just make sure you're treating your body correctly, don't need any injuries or more breathing difficulties.

    I love you dear! I hope you have a good holiday if you celebrate. Take care hon.

  2. I love you so much Bella, please be careful, please be ok. I can't pretend I'm not worried about you :( I've grown to care about you so much and my heart breaks for you because I can relate to almost everything you write about so have a pretty good idea of the pain. (not the breathing though, but I can imagine that's horrendous to live with) I just want you to be ok because you're a little treasure, you really are. Sending you massive huggles xxxxx

  3. Your hair color is absolutely gorgeous. And so long. Oh my god. Jealous!

    Please be careful with the exercising? You're scaring me...