Friday, 6 December 2013

Say 'Cheese'

Yesterday I took a rare step out into the world.

You might remember a few months back, I went on a day trip to a cheese factory down the coast, which was the first time I'd left the house in a long time. I'd gone there with mum several times before, but that was the first time I'd gotten out of the car. Last time, we bought 5.5kg of vintage cheddar. Yeah, well, we've run out! So yesterday we headed off to buy more. 

It's been on the cards for a while, but I've kept putting it off. I decided to bite the bullet and do it this week since I didn't have any appointments, which I thought might make it a smidgen less stressful. We'd actually planned to go on Wednesday, but didn't make it out of the house. I nearly backed out again yesterday, but in the end I decided to go, even if I didn't get out of the car. I'd still be better off than I would be stuck in my usual rut at home.

I did manage to get out of the car, which was nice. We weren't there for long, just long enough to buy the cheese and have some lunch. We bought 6kg (13lbs) of vintage cheddar. I actually remembered to take a photo this time before it was opened (posted below). For curious bunnies, that's a total of 24,180 calories.

We had lunch in the cafe. I ordered a plate of cheese and crackers to share with mum, and a big long black to wash it down. It was the easiest option to calculate, and the safest amongst a menu of fried food, giant sandwiches, baked goods and sugary drinks.

I felt like I was in zombie-mode (for lack of a better term) for the time we were there. Even now, it seems surreal and dream-like. Heading out to the car, I dropped a block of cheese, and that was when it all came crumbling down. I'd been holding it together so well, but it was just too much. The floodgates opened, the zombified feeling suddenly lifted, and I broke down. I couldn't stop crying, for hours even after we got home. My back and butt are literally bruised from sitting in the corner of the kitchen because I just couldn't get to my chair. 

As stressful as it was, it was still a nice change of pace to get out for the day. We weren't at the cheese factory for long, but it was about five hours in the car. When I think about it, I've only really gone out twice since early this year. Once to the cheese factory in September, once to the You Yangs in October. Each time has ended in tears, and it makes me doubt whether it's even a good idea to try going out. The concept of leaving the house on a regular basis seems so foreign now, it's petrifying.

In other news, it took me a few days to get back on track after the weekend. My blood sugars and calorie intake were back to normal on Monday, thanks to an early morning Ensure, and Wednesday was my first day back on track with my regular meals (approx. 700-900 food, 400-600 Ensure).

This Tuesday is the dietician first thing, followed by the GP in the afternoon. I hate having two appointments in one day and try to avoid it, but oh well. I need to write a list of questions for my GP, especially about the mental health nurse. I have so much to say, but I just go blank during appointments. 

Anyway, for now I'll leave you with a few photos from my little adventure. I'll try to remember to take more next time.

Water crackers with assorted cheddars: vintage, tomato & chive, and herb & spice.
They also make garlic & pepper, chili, and cracked pepper flavoured cheddars (though I haven't been game enough to try any of them).



  1. I adore all of your piercings! And that cheese plate looks lovely; I'm impressed with how large the strawberry is! Mmm, strawberries. :)

    I'm proud of you for making it out of the house, darling, even if it didn't end well. I hope you're proud of yourself, too. <3

    Writing down what you want to say at your appointments sounds like a great idea. If you find that you can't get the words out while you're there, would your GP be okay with you just handing her the list of questions?

    Best of luck.
    --The Dancer

  2. Holy Cheese! That's the big cheese. A whole 'lotta Chedda...omg I'm going to stop with the cheese puns now...I want vintage cheddar. that sounds so good. It's good you could get out and especially that you could eat in public, it sounds nice, even if it didn't end that great. love you dear, take care, make cool stuff with cheese.

  3. I think it's really great that you go out. The more you do it, the less scarier it will be. The world is big and beautiful and I don't want you to miss one minute of it because you deserve the best that life has to offer!
    I love you beautiful.

  4. It's good to go out. The harder it is the less you do it... and also even though crying feels like shit for the most part it's still releasing the feelings and dragging you out of the numb zone. It really doesn't matter where do you go as long as you go and try to focus on things even for two seconds. The dreamy walls are poor protection against anything.
    <3 <3

  5. That is a terrifyingly large amount of cheese o_O How do you keep it from going bad? o_O

  6. Good for you! I used to roll my own, and pretty much chain smoked always, but somewhere along the way I bought packs again and refused to smoke more than a pack a day (because $$$!!!). From there I went down to 10/ day for awhile (I think this happened in hospital with limited # of passes per day. I reduced to about 3-5 a day (most days, but drinking would mess with that) first for two(ish) months and am now cold turkey from there. I know it's weird but a friend made me a magic necklace, and I feel like I have to do it, like in an obsessive compulsive way.

  7. Wow! That's a massive cheese! My parents always get a vintage cheddar for Christmas, and it's like a big cake. It's round and it's coated in wax (which you peel off) and it tastes absolutely amazing! Kind of looking forward to it. Vintage cheddar is the best!

    I love the fact you worked out the kcal of the whole thing. I always do that!

    Also well done for getting out. I know you don't feel it was successful, but to be honest I think you did amazingly. All the things you did were things I really struggle with (travelling, eating in public etc.) so I think you've done really well in that respect.

    I often go into that weird dream state when I'm out or in a situation I'm uncomfortable with. I always used to think it was related to dissociation... But I don't know. It helps in a weird way...

    Writing a list of things for your GP sounds like a good idea. I keep meaning to do that as I often find myself a little tongue tied in those situations!

    Aware it's Tuesday now (though we're in different time zones!) so hope it went ok. I find two appointments in one day exhausting!


  8. I'm so jealous of the cheese you have I love cheese

  9. Hey pretty Bella!~
    I'm so proud of you for managing to go out :) I often get pretty anxious to go out too, and I just prefer to stay at home all the time. But we just need to remember that the world is not as scary as it seems. There are so many beautiful, wonderful things out there, and they're just waiting for you to be ready :)
    Lol my whole family loves cheese XD That cheese&crackers platter looks damn good XD
    I especially love antipasto :) I used to order them in bars all the time... XD before I got too anxious around food that is.....