Sunday, 1 December 2013

Home Alone

I've been home alone for the weekend. I know it sounds pathetic, but these days I struggle with being alone for more than a few hours. The house is quiet, and it amplifies every thought and emotion. Time drags on, painfully slow. Everything just feels empty and sad. I don't know what to do with myself.

Food is always difficult when I'm home alone. I lose all structure. Yesterday I ended up having an apple in the afternoon and made some veggie soup for dinner, though I'd had breakfast with mum before she left. The soup was a tin of tomatoes, a couple of roughly chopped carrots, frozen onion, vegetable stock powder and basil, all boiled up and puréed. 46 calories a cup. I would've added some celery if we had any, but I did the best I could with what I had on hand.

I spent most of yesterday curled up on the couch, marathoning The Addams Family. I couldn't really focus, but it was noise to have in the background. I tried to do some sewing, but didn't get very far. I'm working on a late 19th century dress (picture below). Historical costuming will always be a passion of mine. I have no idea when it'll be finished, but I wanted a challenge, something I could learn from.

It's Sunday afternoon now. Mum will be home in a few hours, and I'm making a stir-fry for dinner. I had a Weight Watcher's fruit-in-jelly cup earlier, which was a bit of a nostalgia trip (for the first year of my ED, all I ate was vegetable soup and these jelly cups). Yesterday totaled 200 calories, today will be closer to 300. I couldn't bring myself to have an Ensure. The real challenge will be trying to get back on track tomorrow.

In other news, Tuesday was the dietician. My weight stayed the same, to the 100g, for the third week in a row. I'm always amazed by it, but it happens more often than you'd think. She wanted me to move up another 50 calories, but it feels far too soon after only two weeks on 1,250-1,300.

She's away this week, so I've got a fortnight with no appointments and no reason to leave the house. Both she and mum have been suggesting I try going out again at some point soon, so I'm thinking about that. I haven't gone out since my little picnic at the You Yangs, and that was two months ago. I don't know. We'll see what happens.



  1. I always get extra loopy when I'm home alone. It was really bad when I went back to take care of my dad because the first few nights I was hallucinating all sorts of things and paranoid as hell. It's noot as bad here, because I've got the kitties to remind me I'm a human. BTW thank you so much for your encouraging comments. I'm so mixed up these days and it's scary as hell, and knowing you care means a lot. HUGSHUGSHUGS

  2. *hugs* I'm sorry to hear that it's been rough for you :( if you ever need anyone to talk to I'm here. That dress is incredible! I wouldn't even know where to begin trying to sew something like that! (I have a hard time even threading a sewing machine >< lol!)
    Stay strong, honn!

  3. I get how difficult it can be to stay home alone for a while, which is why I try to keep busy and see the few friends I have. I honestly feel like I need to be babysat most of the time, for fear that my thoughts will turn dark and that I'll end up hurting myself. It's a very strange thing.
    That dress is beautiful, by the way :) And, yes, I agree with your mom and your dietician; you definitely should try to go out sometime soon, if only for a walk or a picnic somewhere safe where no one else will be.
    Love you, as always,
    Lena xx

  4. I loveeee Wednesday in the Addams family! Hope you managed to focus a little, I often watch stuff multiple times because I realise I stopped paying attention at some point the time before :P Hope you feel better soon and don't fall too far off track after this weekend and now your dietician is away - what's happening with your appointments with her over Christmas? xxxx

  5. Oh my goodness I love old style dresses <3

  6. first of all, if anyone can make that dress look amazing, it's you. second, if anyone can look amazing wearing that dress, it's you. basically, you're totally awesome. (i haven't told you lately, have i? never forget.)

    an addams family marathon sounds wonderful to me. (damn you, addamses!) good stuff. i actually heard a bunch of small children singing the days of the week to the tune of the addams family theme song, and it made me so happy, i giggled.

    don't be sad. you're alright, even when you're alone. as long as there are people who really, honestly care about you, i don't think you're ever really alone. :) take care of yourself, pretty girl xx