Monday, 25 November 2013

Ups and Downs

It's Monday. I can't believe it's the last week of November already. I know I say it every month, but the year's just disappeared. 

The last few days have been draining. On Thursday I got a voicemail from the clinic. My GP found out that I rearranged the appointment to exclude the mental health nurse, and had moved the appointment again. I panicked and broke down, assuming she was going to corner me into seeing the nurse, that she wasn't going to give me a chance to talk to her first, etc.. When we tried to call she'd already finished for the day, which gave me ample time to think up all the worst possible scenarios.

The next morning she called back, saying she just had to move the appointment because she was overbooked. She's not going to ambush me with the mental health nurse, she understands where I'm coming from and that I need more information and time. I really wasn't expecting her to say that, but it was a huge relief after so much uncertainty and worry lately. 

Thursday was one of the hardest days I've had in a while, even before the GP stress, and I don't think there was even a trigger for it. I had my slice of toast for breakfast, but broke down halfway through my yoghurt. The best way to describe these breakdowns is that they're as incapacitating as a panic attack, but more depression than anxiety. I can't move, can't stop crying, can't even have a cigarette although they're right next to me. On Thursday it lasted from 8am-1pm, for no real reason. I'd only just managed to stop crying and calm down when we got the voicemail about the appointment, and I was a wreck again for another two hours. 

Amongst the stress, it hasn't been a great week for food. I've missed lunch more often than not, and I've only cooked dinner once. I made a new batch of stew last week (beef, tomato, carrot, potato, onion, flour, stock cube, herbs) that clocks in at 138 cal per cup/250g, so that's been dinner most nights.

Saturday was probably my best day mood-wise in weeks. I spent a few hours planning my next sewing project (which I'm quite excited about, but more on that another time), and did some baking for the first time in ages. I made two dozen banana bran muffins for mum, and had a small one warm for afternoon tea (132 cal). It's not something I could do everyday, but it was nice to get back in the kitchen, and I know mum always appreciates it. 

Anyway, I've rambled enough so I'll leave it there. I hope you all had a great weekend. 



  1. Sorry to hear that it hasn't been good lately. But I still like the way your GP takes that, seriously she's a wise one and that's not self evident that they always would be. Can't wait to see your next project and wishing better week for you!

  2. I'm sorry to hear you have had another tough week Bella dear. It's not good that you have been feeling panicky, I actually had my first panic attack in ages the other day, it was terrible.
    It's cool that you have been doing a bit more baking though :) I want to start baking things again but feel weird doing it where I'm living at the moment because I'm sharing...
    Anyways, I hope you have a nice week and your sewing project works out well <3
    Alice xx

  3. The first sentence really hit me. I can't believe the year's gone so quickly. Last year is so fresh in my mind... Where does the time go?

    I'm glad your GPs been so understanding about the whole thing. A mental health nurse could be beneficial, but it's when you're ready for something like that, and if it's going to be too much now it's something you're going to need some time thinking over.

    The anxiety sounds horrible :(

    I'm glad you've got your sewing project anyway. It always helps to have something to do :)

    I used to make bran muffins loads, haven't for a while though! I managed to bake recently too :D I stopped for a while, but I made brownies the other day for the landlord, and they were all gone in 24 hours so I think it was successful!


  4. I know what you mean about the year going by so fast. I can't believe there's less than a month of the semester left. Oh my God.

    I'm glad you had that relief from your gp =) I mean, yeah the stress sucks, but maybe if you encounter enough situations where you get stressed out and then find out the outcome isn't as bad as you were expecting, you'll stop stressing so much? I dunno. I hope things get better for you <3

  5. Hello, Bella!
    I have read your blog for quite some time, but I'm new in the blogosphere. I just want to say that I'm rooting for you, and hope you'll get better soon. Every step you take is progress, so don't give up when you feel you disappoint the people around you.