Reality Check, aisle 3

So, the appointment with my GP was nothing short of a nightmare.

She said that I "need to get some counseling on board". There's a Mental Health Nurse who she wants me to see. She said they come to my clinic, so I'd be meeting them in a 'safe environment'. She's arranged for this nurse to sit in on my next appointment, just for 10 minutes to introduce me. 

But I'll get back to that in a moment. It wouldn't have panicked me quite so much, if it hadn't led into this conversation. 

"How many times have you been admitted to hospital for weight restoration?"

I told her once, two and a half years ago. She asked if it was helpful, which hospital I was at, how the nurses treated me. She said she's concerned that my weight's been slowly dropping. I snapped back that it's been the same since July. By this point I was a panicking wreck, so when she started going on about my BMI, I had to ask if we could please not talk about it right now. 

So, back to the mental health nurse. I wouldn't be upset if my GP had offered it, discussed it with me, or asked me to think about it. But she didn't, she forced it. She arranged this appointment with the nurse even after I said I didn't want her to. The next day we called and canceled it, and booked one with just my GP.

I'm not saying that I won't see the nurse, but I won't see them under these circumstances. It will not help me in any way if it's forced. I will panic, and I will flee. It is the worst way to introduce a mental health professional. Initially, I said I wouldn't see them. After I calmed down a bit, I realized that I'm not really being given a choice. But I at least need to talk to my GP more about it, find out more information, have time to consider it and figure out how to do it in a way that's actually safe. 

One big flaw in her logic; she thinks introducing a mental health professional in a safe place, at a safe appointment, makes it safe. It doesn't. It makes my appointments with her no longer safe. She is making the one safe place I can go completely unsafe.

And why is my weight suddenly such a big issue? I've been maintaining since July, and I've had literally 10 appointments with my GP since then. I know it's a low weight, but why is there suddenly so much concern? Why can't I just be left as is?

I think I might have to move up from 1,250 to 1,300 calories next week. I fucking hate it, but there's too much 'concern' right now. It's the only thing I can do to try to ease this pressure. I can't lose everything I've worked so hard for. It's only an extra scoop of Ensure, but jesus, it's so hard to convince myself to. I'm also going to ask my dietician why the hell this is all suddenly happening, when I've been maintaining for months and it's been fine. I am fine.

Sorry this post has been so long and rambley, and probably sounds totally pathetic. I've been a wreck ever since the appointment, I can't stop crying about it, I'm panicking and nothing is okay. I'm going to talk to my GP more about the mental health nurse, get more information, and hopefully she'll let me slowly work towards it in a safe way. Between that and raising my calories, I just hope it gets them off my back again.

xxBella