Friday, 8 November 2013

Reality Check, aisle 3

So, the appointment with my GP was nothing short of a nightmare.

She said that I "need to get some counseling on board". There's a Mental Health Nurse who she wants me to see. She said they come to my clinic, so I'd be meeting them in a 'safe environment'. She's arranged for this nurse to sit in on my next appointment, just for 10 minutes to introduce me. 

But I'll get back to that in a moment. It wouldn't have panicked me quite so much, if it hadn't led into this conversation. 
"How many times have you been admitted to hospital for weight restoration?"
I told her once, two and a half years ago. She asked if it was helpful, which hospital I was at, how the nurses treated me. She said she's concerned that my weight's been slowly dropping. I snapped back that it's been the same since July. By this point I was a panicking wreck, so when she started going on about my BMI, I had to ask if we could please not talk about it right now. 

So, back to the mental health nurse. I wouldn't be upset if my GP had offered it, discussed it with me, or asked me to think about it. But she didn't, she forced it. She arranged this appointment with the nurse even after I said I didn't want her to. The next day we called and canceled it, and booked one with just my GP.

I'm not saying that I won't see the nurse, but I won't see them under these circumstances. It will not help me in any way if it's forced. I will panic, and I will flee. It is the worst way to introduce a mental health professional. Initially, I said I wouldn't see them. After I calmed down a bit, I realized that I'm not really being given a choice. But I at least need to talk to my GP more about it, find out more information, have time to consider it and figure out how to do it in a way that's actually safe. 

One big flaw in her logic; she thinks introducing a mental health professional in a safe place, at a safe appointment, makes it safe. It doesn't. It makes my appointments with her no longer safe. She is making the one safe place I can go completely unsafe.

And why is my weight suddenly such a big issue? I've been maintaining since July, and I've had literally 10 appointments with my GP since then. I know it's a low weight, but why is there suddenly so much concern? Why can't I just be left as is?

I think I might have to move up from 1,250 to 1,300 calories next week. I fucking hate it, but there's too much 'concern' right now. It's the only thing I can do to try to ease this pressure. I can't lose everything I've worked so hard for. It's only an extra scoop of Ensure, but jesus, it's so hard to convince myself to. I'm also going to ask my dietician why the hell this is all suddenly happening, when I've been maintaining for months and it's been fine. I am fine.

Sorry this post has been so long and rambley, and probably sounds totally pathetic. I've been a wreck ever since the appointment, I can't stop crying about it, I'm panicking and nothing is okay. I'm going to talk to my GP more about the mental health nurse, get more information, and hopefully she'll let me slowly work towards it in a safe way. Between that and raising my calories, I just hope it gets them off my back again.



  1. Oh honey, I'm so sorry. That must have been terrifying. I am so sorry. I think talking to GP a little more will help calm your anxiety a bit. Keeping you in my thoughts.

  2. I understand how you feel. Having something forced upon you is never good for your mental health, your GP and this nurse should know that. Hopefully the Dietician will clear things up and give you a clue as to where this sudden urge is coming from.

    Also you should definitely work towards the mental health nurse. Maybe ask your GP for credentials, or positive feed back of some sort? A way to learn about this person, so you know what to expect.
    I know how hard it is to have strangers, with no warning or previous information, inserted in your business. Its the worst kind of surprise that leads to panic attacks.

    I hope it all works out love. Stay strong you are progressing wonderfully!

  3. Ugh I've been forced into therapy before. Ironically, that's where I started making myself throw up XD forcing's never good =/

  4. oh darling.. I am so sorry that they bombarded you with that it was way out of line she should have at least discussed it with you first! I hope you are ok my dear, and they are just concerned and want you to be happy I guess.. I want you to be ok.
    So as always, do whatever it takes to be ok. On your terms. No one can force you to do anything.
    Love you lots x

  5. I know this is super stressful but I'm always the devil's advocate. If people are worried about you, and I know you've been the same since July, maybe you could think about the possibility of things being not quite right. I know that you don't want to live in this twilight. No one truly does. It's terrible and reduces you to a shell. If someone asked me what I'm about to ask you I would have gotten defensive, figured they didn't understand, all the reasoning that eating disorders give you, but what would it change, honestly? What would it change having another scoop of Ensure? You might delay death a little bit. You might increase the quality of your life. The Earth will still turn, people will live and die, cry, laugh, get married, have kids, graduate and maybe you will too. That's what got me in the end. Nothing happens if I eat a little more. Maybe I cope. Maybe I don't. In the end, it's all in your mind. That's scary. I know how scary it is to be forced where you don't want to be. After my parents found out about my sexual abuse my mom put me in counseling right away but I couldn't talk and couldn't cope. The effects of that matter now…Something to think about is why it makes you so defensive to gain and how it will affect you to be healthy. Just things to think about, as I so often like to have you do. :)
    I love you to the moon and back. Don't forget.
    Throw in a willow tree sized hug ;)

  6. I'm so sorry, Bella. I had a semi similar appointment this week, so I can relate a little. I also tend to immediately lose all trust in someone who forces things like that, and I'm so sorry that happened. If you can, I'd say tell your GP how that made you feel. She would probably want to know. (If she's a good one).

    I hope things get better. Thinking of you!

  7. Re cooking, I've always baked (for other people) but I don't think I've actually cooked for myself for about 3 years. It was an irrational ED fear. It did surprise me how fewer kcal it involved, my head seems to say lots of ingredients = lots of kcal. I had to put the recipes in a few times to check! lol

    As for the mad walking, well I didn't notice that day, but seem to be paying for it today. I had to buy some baccy and could barely walk down the road, stupid fever!

    But not being able to talk is so fucking annoying. I've known my GP for over two years, we have a good relationship and I can generally tell him anything, yet I just completely froze up and couldn't talk to him. I hate that feeling, but I just felt everything I said was stupid and pointless...

    With the appointment, I don't think it's good that she forced the issue, it should have definitely been discussed with you first. Things like that can be helpful, but it depends. I've had varying experiences with them myself. I suppose seeing someone at the place you see your GP is less scary than going somewhere new, but then it doesn't help it's no longer safe for you...

    I hope you manage to raise your calories. I do worry about you.

    Thinking of you.


  8. Oh Bella it sounds like a tough week. I know it sucks when you feel like you're being forced into something, but at least she has brought it up now so you can start thinking about it. Maybe the reason they are pushing forward with this now is because you've maintained such a low weight for so long. You're beautiful sweetheart and if an extra scoop of ensure will bring you closer to health and happiness then why not? I hope you'll be okay, take care <3
    Alice xx

  9. Oh my goodness, Bella, I'm so sorry that this is happening. I know how it feels to be forced into something that makes you scared and uncomfortable. You must feel so overwhelmed right now, and I wish there was something I could do. I'll be thinking of you xx

  10. Oh gosh... Seems like you've had a horrible week :( I'm so sorry Bella.
    I know how terrifying it is to be forced into something like that... It reminds me of that time when I was put into a psychiatric hospital against my will... Whew!... It just gives me shivers O_o
    Just keep in mind that people are worried about you, and they're just trying to do what they think would help you (though obviously, they're not doing such a good job....).
    Take care dear! You're in my thoughts and prayers xoxo <3

  11. Medics really suck sometimes, they just don't get it. Thinking of you beautiful Bella, here's some hugs for you ((((())))) Xx

  12. your GP thought he was doing what was right. Call him out on it, but at least he cares.
    it is weird that he didn't talk to you about it first, and it was unprofessional.
    However, to be fair, you are not ALL fine. You have an eating disorder, and even though you've been getting better, maybe you're still in danger.

  13. Yes, I saw the fresh grass cuttings one in sainsburys... Tempting! I am curious. There's also 'electricity.'

    It was nice. Just not used to alcohol anymore... And the fever isn't helping...

    Hope you're doing ok.


  14. Ugh, that is seriously terrifying and so uncomfortable! It's frustrating especially when you know mental health professionals are doing their best, but they are missing this huge bit of understanding. I hope you are recovering well from this experience and the panic. It's not pathetic at all. Sending many hugs your way. And thank you for the congratulations by the way. You are so good about commenting even when you aren't feeling too well. I do hope you'll take care of yourself. *hugs*