Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Breaking News: Exercise makes you feel better about yourself

I had my check-up with the thoracic physician this morning. For newer followers, back in May I was diagnosed with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD), and was admitted to hospital suffering from an exacerbation and Bronchiolitis. Basically, I've permanently damaged my lungs from smoking.

I've been dreading this appointment. Don't get me wrong, he's a really nice guy, and he understands I have severe anxiety issues and tries to be accommodating. But I know I haven't been doing as well as I should be, and he's a little hardheaded when it comes to exercise.

He asked if I've been exercising, and I told him my dietician doesn't want me to. He kindly informed me that 'studies show' exercise helps with depression and self-esteem, as well as improving lung function, and recommended putting a treadmill or exercise bike in front of the TV for an hour every day. He basically said "you know, you'd feel a lot better about yourself if you exercised". I wanted to say "buddy, you have no idea", but I just repeated that my dietician doesn't want me to, adding that my intake isn't high enough and I'd lose weight, and that I have issues with overexercising. I think he got the point, but it's extremely confusing and guilt-inducing to have him telling me I should run for an hour a day, when my GP and dietician are concerned about my weight.

I told him I've been smoking 40-45 cigarettes a day, which is a new high for me, though he's still happy with my progress because I've barely been touching the green stuff. I also told him I've been on Zyban for about a month, though it's primarily for depression and hasn't reduced my urge to smoke yet. This recent depression, constant anxiety and subsequent inactivity are big parts of why I'm smoking so much. Whereas your normal smoker does things with their day and takes a break for a smoke, I'm the opposite. I sit outside in my armchair, chain-smoking for most of the day, only moving if I need to do something.

Honestly, it's hard to find motivation to quit smoking when I'm feeling so low. As blunt as it is, it's like; I don't really want to be alive right now, so why would I want to improve my health? That said, my lung capacity's about the same as it was three months ago, which is good, though my airways are still very noisy. All in all, I'm not doing too bad. 

And the dietician yesterday... ugh. I told her I was thinking of moving up to 1,250-1,300 calories. She said it would be fantastic if I felt I was ready, and I told her my GP's panicking me a little. It was a shitty day and I didn't feel able to say much more than that, so there's still a lot of questions left unasked. Plus I know she talks to my GP after my appointments and it made me apprehensive to say much. I don't know. I just couldn't say the things I needed to say. Maybe next week.

A huge thank you to everyone who's been reading and commenting lately. You guys mean the world to me, and I'd be totally lost without your support.

(I tried to make myself feel a little better today by putting effort into my outfit and doing my makeup. It didn't work, and I was straight back into my track pants within five minutes of getting home, but oh well. I'm definitely rekindling my love of stripey knee-high socks though.)



  1. I love the stripy knee high socks! Love Love LOVE! And oh hun.. I get that "I dont even want to be alive so whats the point" my sentiments right now are exactly the same.. I wish you didnt feel that way, but I know that once we start its hard to stop.. I really hope your lungs improve :/ im sorry that you have deteriorated so much my dear, perhaps sewing? so you dont smoke as much?? You are so good at it! Thank you by the way for your support with me lately, it means a lot it really does.. xxxxx

  2. hello my little lovely :)
    firstly, my god man, what is wrong with that guy when it comes to you and exersize - care to tell him that eating the 500 or so extra calories to keep maintaining if you were to run an hour a day would be impossible!? still, i'm glad your lungs haven't gotten worse than they were before. I love you little bella and I am always always always here for you on facebook and i know you're struggling and i want to wrap you up and keep you safe. xxxx

  3. I can see why he says that exercise is good. If you can moderate yourself in any way, it really does make the day better. I'm just not right unless I have my hour, hour and a half me time in the weight room. I also know how obsessive and not fun it can be. Pros and cons. Maybe someday you can get your intake up enough so that you can just enjoy walks and thinks like that and it won't have to be in regards to losing weight. I think that is one great thing about recovery, being able to just DO stuff for any amount of time. You are still, as always, beautiful and I love you!

  4. I am so totally jealous of your legs. They are absolutely perfect. I'm happy that you feel ready to move your calorie intake up. That's a big step. Chain smoking is the only thing that helps me sometimes. Keep your head up.

  5. Firstly, loving the socks.

    Secondly, it's so sad that a lot of them can't understand how exercise could be dangerous for someone like you. If your intake is low you're at more risk of injury, there's risk you could get obsessive etc. Do what you can, sure, but it's not a great idea in your state.

    Also stopping smoking is hard, especially when you can't really see the point. I know that feeling.

    Take care, thinking of you.


  6. Stripey socks are the best! I like to clean house in them...seriously, it's weird but totally motivates me to clean :D
    You seriously must watch Iron Jawed Angels. It's all about the suffragets and their fight for a woman's right to vote. Super inspiring. There is a difficult to watch "force feeding" scene that I will warn you about, but it really is a great movie :)
    I definitely plan on reading more Stephen Hawking. My brain needs a break right now because man that guy has got some amazing thoughts! Takes awhile for me to wrap my pseudo scientific, wannabe smart brain around! I hope you are able to read some! It would be cool hear about what you are reading :) Next year I'm going to read more ones I read in High School but never really understood.
    Anyways, I hope you start feeling a bit better soon. Keep on with those stripey socks, they will work eventually ;) And you can't go wrong with skulls! <3

  7. Hey, Bella! Sorry to hear that the doctors are pressuring you so much with too much too soon - I mean you'd think they would realize that you'll get better but not overnight! Especially with quitting smoking, I've known so many people that say it was one of the hardest things they ever had to do. Anyway, stay positive, you're in my thoughts and prayers!

  8. Very cute stockings.
    It sounds like your GP hasn't had much of an impact on you. If you had to listen to one of them, which would it be? Doing at least one thing is better than none.

  9. Ooo I absolutely adore your outfit <3 Purple and black are seriously the best colors ever <3 Haha sorry I've kinda had a bad day and your outfit totally cheered me up <3

    Please try to take care of yourself <3 Lovely to hear about your trying to raise your intake on your own <3

  10. I adore your socks! I need your long legs, like now. This should probably be a longer comment but I'm pressed for time since I found the problem. Love you lots sweetie xx

  11. Hi! I came across your blog after googling something about being in a sewing rut. I'm trying to get motivated to sew! I saw some of the things you have made and you are very talented! I hope you start to feel better and better. I will be praying for you