I've been dreading this appointment. Don't get me wrong, he's a really nice guy, and he understands I have severe anxiety issues and tries to be accommodating. But I know I haven't been doing as well as I should be, and he's a little hardheaded when it comes to exercise.
He asked if I've been exercising, and I told him my dietician doesn't want me to. He kindly informed me that 'studies show' exercise helps with depression and self-esteem, as well as improving lung function, and recommended putting a treadmill or exercise bike in front of the TV for an hour every day. He basically said "you know, you'd feel a lot better about yourself if you exercised". I wanted to say "buddy, you have no idea", but I just repeated that my dietician doesn't want me to, adding that my intake isn't high enough and I'd lose weight, and that I have issues with overexercising. I think he got the point, but it's extremely confusing and guilt-inducing to have him telling me I should run for an hour a day, when my GP and dietician are concerned about my weight.
I told him I've been smoking 40-45 cigarettes a day, which is a new high for me, though he's still happy with my progress because I've barely been touching the green stuff. I also told him I've been on Zyban for about a month, though it's primarily for depression and hasn't reduced my urge to smoke yet. This recent depression, constant anxiety and subsequent inactivity are big parts of why I'm smoking so much. Whereas your normal smoker does things with their day and takes a break for a smoke, I'm the opposite. I sit outside in my armchair, chain-smoking for most of the day, only moving if I need to do something.
Honestly, it's hard to find motivation to quit smoking when I'm feeling so low. As blunt as it is, it's like; I don't really want to be alive right now, so why would I want to improve my health? That said, my lung capacity's about the same as it was three months ago, which is good, though my airways are still very noisy. All in all, I'm not doing too bad.
And the dietician yesterday... ugh. I told her I was thinking of moving up to 1,250-1,300 calories. She said it would be fantastic if I felt I was ready, and I told her my GP's panicking me a little. It was a shitty day and I didn't feel able to say much more than that, so there's still a lot of questions left unasked. Plus I know she talks to my GP after my appointments and it made me apprehensive to say much. I don't know. I just couldn't say the things I needed to say. Maybe next week.
A huge thank you to everyone who's been reading and commenting lately. You guys mean the world to me, and I'd be totally lost without your support.
(I tried to make myself feel a little better today by putting effort into my outfit and doing my makeup. It didn't work, and I was straight back into my track pants within five minutes of getting home, but oh well. I'm definitely rekindling my love of stripey knee-high socks though.)