Tuesday, 17 December 2013

Cracks Appear

There's only so much a person can take before they start to crack.

All the little things keep building up. I don't know quite how to explain it. The depression/anxiety/PTSD monster is growing daily, and I'm running out of ways to cope. So I cut back a little. 

Last Tuesday, I was a wreck by the time I left the GP, and had a few Black Russians, reaching 1,270 cal. 
On Wednesday I met 1,180, hoping the 100-calorie reduction would sate the urges, at least for a little while.
By Thursday, everything came tumbling down, and my intake's been between 500-800 since.

I was dreading seeing the dietician. I hate having to face her and say I'm struggling. I feel like I shouldn't see her at all unless I actively want to move forward, otherwise it seems like a waste. But I can't bear the thought of not having her appointments to break up the week, to remind me I'm living in the real world. Thankfully, she's been patient and kind enough to put up with me for nearly two years now. 

She asked what's changed to make me lower my intake. Friday night, mum asked the same. I couldn't give a clear answer. There is no clear answer. There was no one definitive trigger, no distinct turning point. I told them both the same things.
"It's just... everything."
"All the little things keep building and building."
"Everything's too much."

It's been lurking for a while, but I can't fight it anymore. I'm not coping. I want to lie down and wave a white flag. I want to be numb. I want to disappear. It feels silly that I can't pinpoint exactly why or what changed. It's just everything, and I can't take it.

The dietician wants me to try for an Ensure every second day, so I don't lose my ability to drink them, but I don't know if I can do it. I'll be having a glass or two of wine tonight, which seems to be a Tuesday routine, if that counts, but beyond that I really don't know. 

So it hasn't been a great week. I haven't been sewing. Haven't been cooking. My smoking's creeping back up and over the 40-a-day mark. Mum tried to get me out of the house for coffee on Sunday, but it was too much. Next year, I think I'll set a goal to try going out once a month. 

Apologies for the negativity lately, but at the moment I just can't see past the fog. 

Christmas is only a week away, and I don't want it to get here. I haven't finished gift shopping. I haven't even planned what I'm cooking. I don't feel festive or joyful. It doesn't feel right. I'm not ready. Somehow, it doesn't feel like the end of the year at all. 

I am sad.
I am tired. 
I am hurting. 
I am feeling too much. 



  1. I am sending you waves of glitter and sequins and magic across the oceans to you starshine. I wish I could give you a cuddle and we could pretend everything would be okay. Maybe focusing on what you're going to cook and bake on Christmas might be a good distraction? You could start a pinterest account and pin recipes and decoartive ideas and gift ideas, that way you can just pin a jumble of thoughts and organise them in a few days or when you can? I love you to the moon and back, and message me anytime you're struggling, you know I love you to bits xxx

    1. I love this response you truley deserve some goodness now darling <3 xxx

  2. i think it's alright to feel unhappy sometimes. as long as you're alright, be unhappy. it's alright. don't apologize for where your head is at right now. put things on hold. do it up. (i've been known to skip a few showers, myself.) do what you need to do (or not do). under one condition.

    cheer up, eventually. be happy, smile, and send your special aussie sunshine to the rest of us. you'll be alright, bella. take care of yourself, pretty girl xx

  3. Oh darling, I relate to this so much right now...
    I feel wrapping up in a duvet on the couch and refusing to move until January 1, but I have so much to do, and the weight of responsibility is so heavy...

    This time of year always crushes me. My birthday's right around the corner from Christmas, and I always end the year feeling horribly old and broken. Focusing on small goals that I know I can succeed at seems to help... even if it's "Stand Outside for a Couple of Minutes" or "Let the Dogs Out so they Don't Potty in the House" I like having something crossed off my to-do list.

    Do lists help? Lists help me a lot, I'd be lost without my little pink notebook of Hopes, Dreams and Plans. Sometimes they go nowhere, but writing them down makes me feel... anchored.
    Like, I have a life, I have pages and pages of proof right here, and it's written in ink so they can't fade or escape me. I must still be a human, if I can write... right?

    *hugs* I wish I had better advice... you're always gently buoying us all along, encouraging, reminding us to be positive. I feel badly, not being able to do the same for you.

  4. Sometimes everything has been too much for a while and we only notice when are too exhausted to grin and bear it. It doesn't have to be one thing that's the last straw. I've fallen back into the hibernate and make bread routine. But I've decided to spend (/day) at least 15 minutes crafting, 15 minutes reading, and 15 minutes outside. 15 minutes is small and something I can commit to. An OT I had would have me do this. It helps because it breaks through the wall of can't-do-anything, even if it's just a little bit. Sending you lots of hugs.

  5. Oh God I know what you mean about Christmas. I can't believe it's December and the Christmas season will be over soon. We haven't even put up our decorations yet XD

  6. Being negative and struggling are two very different things, love! You aren't being negative or pessimistic... you've simply reached a point where things seem too much to bear right now. I really hope that with Christmas coming, a new wave of hope and positivity will make its way to you. Don't lose your courage. Keep pushing. Eventually it won't be such a fight. Sending you hugs <3

  7. Sorry you are struggling! There is too much good to live for to spend it sad. I hope you can fight your way out of the funk.

  8. Ahhhh I just want to help you, Bella! I don't want you to be sad and feel so horrible all the time. You don't deserve it. You deserve happiness and health!

    As for Christmasing, I hope you're able to maybe "fake it till you make it" on this one. I too, feel very out of sorts with Christmas on the horizon, but going through the motions of things is starting to cheer me up and distract me from negativity.

    I also like your idea of setting goals for outings. Even if its once a month at first, its something to look forward to and prepare for.

    Thank you for the kind encouragement, Miss Bella. I know you understand where I'm coming from.

  9. Being numb is not as good as it seems. I wish every day that I could feel something, even if it's pain or sadness.



  10. "It's just... everything."
    "All the little things keep building and building." <--- I don't understand why so few people understand this. Everyone wants us to explain and give solid reasons and it makes me crazier than I already am.

    Goal-setting for going out sounds like a good idea.