Sunday 17 June 2012

Recovery(?), here we go

I had a breakdown first thing this morning, but I got through it with Mum's help. The plan for today is 1,000-1,500 calories, as clean and healthy as possible. 15-30 mins running, 5-15mins cardio boxing, maybe a little yoga. I'm scared. I don't have a physical problem eating that much food, but it's just horrifying to face. Aiming for 200-300 calorie meals, and 100-200 calorie snacks (900-1,500 calories total).

I will not get fat. I will reach 52-55kg, with less fat than I had last time I was at that weight, then maintain until I'm ready (if I ever am). I can lose it all again in a month, anyway, and then my body would actually have something to lose.

I need Eva (my ED psychiatrist) to help me like I need fucking air in my lungs. I'm so scared she won't bother, because it didn't work last time, or she'll ITO me because I've left hospitals and doctor's care AMA a few too many times. I just want her to try to help me. She actually cares. You can see it in her face and hear it in her voice. I saw her once briefly last November when I was in hospital, but I wasn't medically stable enough to get outpatient care, so nothing ever happened because I didn't want to go inpatient. But she just had this look on her face... You can see that she cares.

Eat Clean, Train Mean, Stay Lean

xxBella
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5 comments:

  1. Ruby Tuesday17 June 2012 at 06:25

    I'm glad to read you are giving recovery a shot and I send you best wishes.
    I know it's scary but I believe you can do it, I'm scared too but I know my illness wants me dead and I don't think I want to die anymore,
    I feel hopeful for the first time in the longest time. Use all the support you can get, you deserve the best possible chance at getting well,
    I for one am right behind you, much love xxx

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    Replies
    1. Bella17 June 2012 at 06:34

      Thanks so much <3 My ED wants me dead, too, and I've known it for a long time, but now I want to change that. I want to be happy. I don't know if I will be, but I know I'm not now.

      xxBella

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  2. The Lovely Bones17 June 2012 at 07:42

    You two have both made me truly think about myself.
    I've just told someone everything, I mean everything.
    I'm going to a doctor's next week. I don't want to be controlled any more. I still want to lose weight, but healthily. Or at least not life threateningly.
    I have so much faith in you, you've inspired me so much.
    I wish you so much luck.
    You mean so much to me.

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  3. Bella17 June 2012 at 08:55

    Oh my god. Lovely!! I've got shivers and I'm nearly crying. I am so proud of you honey. That is an amazing step. Best of luck with everything - keep us up to date, yes?

    So so so much love and hugs xxxxxx <3<3

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  4. Rayya17 June 2012 at 09:40

    It really sounds like she cares, hopefully she can help. I wish you luck and all the best in this.. I believe you can do it x

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