I had a breakdown first thing this morning, but I got through it with Mum's help. The plan for today is 1,000-1,500 calories, as clean and healthy as possible. 15-30 mins running, 5-15mins cardio boxing, maybe a little yoga. I'm scared. I don't have a physical problem eating that much food, but it's just horrifying to face. Aiming for 200-300 calorie meals, and 100-200 calorie snacks (900-1,500 calories total).
I will not get fat. I will reach 52-55kg, with less fat than I had last time I was at that weight, then maintain until I'm ready (if I ever am). I can lose it all again in a month, anyway, and then my body would actually have something to lose.
I need Eva (my ED psychiatrist) to help me like I need fucking air in my lungs. I'm so scared she won't bother, because it didn't work last time, or she'll ITO me because I've left hospitals and doctor's care AMA a few too many times. I just want her to try to help me. She actually cares. You can see it in her face and hear it in her voice. I saw her once briefly last November when I was in hospital, but I wasn't medically stable enough to get outpatient care, so nothing ever happened because I didn't want to go inpatient. But she just had this look on her face... You can see that she cares.
Eat Clean, Train Mean, Stay Lean