Sunday, 17 June 2012

Recovery(?), here we go

I had a breakdown first thing this morning, but I got through it with Mum's help. The plan for today is 1,000-1,500 calories, as clean and healthy as possible. 15-30 mins running, 5-15mins cardio boxing, maybe a little yoga. I'm scared. I don't have a physical problem eating that much food, but it's just horrifying to face. Aiming for 200-300 calorie meals, and 100-200 calorie snacks (900-1,500 calories total).

I will not get fat. I will reach 52-55kg, with less fat than I had last time I was at that weight, then maintain until I'm ready (if I ever am). I can lose it all again in a month, anyway, and then my body would actually have something to lose.

I need Eva (my ED psychiatrist) to help me like I need fucking air in my lungs. I'm so scared she won't bother, because it didn't work last time, or she'll ITO me because I've left hospitals and doctor's care AMA a few too many times. I just want her to try to help me. She actually cares. You can see it in her face and hear it in her voice. I saw her once briefly last November when I was in hospital, but I wasn't medically stable enough to get outpatient care, so nothing ever happened because I didn't want to go inpatient. But she just had this look on her face... You can see that she cares.

Eat Clean, Train Mean, Stay Lean



  1. I'm glad to read you are giving recovery a shot and I send you best wishes.
    I know it's scary but I believe you can do it, I'm scared too but I know my illness wants me dead and I don't think I want to die anymore,
    I feel hopeful for the first time in the longest time. Use all the support you can get, you deserve the best possible chance at getting well,
    I for one am right behind you, much love xxx

    1. Thanks so much <3 My ED wants me dead, too, and I've known it for a long time, but now I want to change that. I want to be happy. I don't know if I will be, but I know I'm not now.


  2. You two have both made me truly think about myself.
    I've just told someone everything, I mean everything.
    I'm going to a doctor's next week. I don't want to be controlled any more. I still want to lose weight, but healthily. Or at least not life threateningly.
    I have so much faith in you, you've inspired me so much.
    I wish you so much luck.
    You mean so much to me.

  3. Oh my god. Lovely!! I've got shivers and I'm nearly crying. I am so proud of you honey. That is an amazing step. Best of luck with everything - keep us up to date, yes?

    So so so much love and hugs xxxxxx <3<3

  4. It really sounds like she cares, hopefully she can help. I wish you luck and all the best in this.. I believe you can do it x