Wednesday, 20 June 2012
Miserable
Haven't eaten since lunch. Too fat. Too depressed. Sugars are plummeting. Haven't gotten off the couch since lunch. Self-harmed too many times/ways/places to count. I can't eat normally on 800. I need to restrict to 200 and actually feel good about it, or be able to actually eat normal amounts and run like fuck and not gain, and I can't even eat 800 without gaining. I need to get these tests done to see why I gain, but before the gain happens, because then I need to lose it again anyway. I'm not sick and I don't need help, and I don't need to gain weight. I want to die.
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I'm so sorry you're going through such a confusing time.
ReplyDeleteI know it sounds like a bunch of hooey, but sometimes if I a little introverted thinking and figure out EXACTLY what I want, it helps me focus. Helps block out all the other voices, because I KNOW what I want and I know what needs to be done to accomplish that goal.
It sounds like you really want to know why you gain weight so easy. If that's the case, I would do exactly what the doctors tell you, even if it seems counterintuitive to your other goals (like losing weight). Because we all know, weight can be lost again, but it's damn easy to fuck up medical tests.