Tuesday, 19 June 2012

I'm not Sick

The last 24hrs has been hard. My GP yesterday (not my 'family GP' - he's a dickhead with EDs too) told me that I don't need to gain weight, nor should I need psych help. I was shocked. I suppose GPs aren't specialists, though. (Last time I saw my 'family GP', I was 43kg and he told me to exercise more, and I saw a specialist the next week and wasn't allowed to walk back down the stairs - I had to take the lift - and was Sectioned/ITO'd the next day, and in hospital for 6 weeks.) No blood tests ordered, and I don't even have a follow-up appointment. My mum (she came with me) and Brother are pretty shocked too, and Brother wants to come to my next GP appointment.

Mum phoned the GP and was quite blunt, and she (the doctor) said that she might've been a little too 'optimistic'. What the fuck does that even mean?! Hell no, I'm not coming back to see you.

We went around the GP, and mum's given me her appointment with her dietician this morning at 9:10. Same clinic, but apparently she does have some understanding of EDs (or, at least, a brain in her head). Yesterday really threw me, and I don't know if I should gain weight anymore, or seek help. I was just told that I'm fine, right?

My head's fucked right now. I have a BMI of 14, but I don't need to gain weight. I thought I did, but I don't. I thought I needed psych help, but the GP told me I should be able to sort out the shit in my head myself (though, if I need a psych for any other issues, that's fucking brilliant). She doesn't care. She didn't want to help me because I don't need help.

I really need the dietician to tell me that I need to gain weight, and give me an idea of what to do next. I'm so scared she won't think I need help either. If that's the case, I give up.

I know that if I saw Eva (or any ED psych), it'd be a different case. But I need a dietician & GP on board first, so I have my intake and weight a little more under control so I can 'prove' that I don't need to go inpatient, and so my psychs aren't controlling my food & exercise this time around - that's the dietician's job. ED psychs really deal with things a lot better than GPs.

But I can't get psych help until I'm 55kg (Australia believes psych help isn't effective until slight weight restoration - BMI 16 - so its not even worth trying yet). But I don't need help. But I couldn't get it anyway because I'm too underweight. But I don't need to gain weight. And I don't need the psych help, anyway.

My head is so fucked right now. I need a doctor to see that I'm sick. Otherwise... I'm fine. I don't need help.

I'm too Fat to be actually sick.
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3 comments:

  1. The Dancer19 June 2012 at 07:57

    What these idiot doctors seem to be forgetting is that you're TALL. 6'1" is REALLY FUCKING TALL. I would bet anything that they're just looking at the number on the scale and going, "oh, well that's higher than you usually see in people with EDs!" and not bothering to do the math and figure out your BMI.
    Stick with it, dear. You know that you're sick. You know that you need help. Don't let them tell you otherwise.

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    1. Bella19 June 2012 at 08:51

      Not even. I wasn't weighed, nor asked my weight, because I'm obviously so healthy just to look at. I am sticking with it, though :) Or trying at least. Going to the dietician in half an hour to see if she can make it so I can eat 800-1,000 calories and don't gain 2kg a week =_= my metabolism is ridiculous!

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  2. The Lovely Bones20 June 2012 at 05:40

    Oh my god. What the actual fuck. I'm sorry but this has made me so angry. That doctor is clearly an undereducated twat. A BMI of 14 is underweight. Anything under 16.5 is considered dangerously underweight I always thought.
    How can he tell you that you don't need any form of help. Please make sure you see a consultant who knows what they're talking about before you give up.
    Good luck. I've been thinking about you all week and hoping that you're doing well. I'm so so so proud of you.

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