Saturday 16 June 2012

Recovery?

Today was a big day for me. Very emotional, very intense, in our little household. I think I've reached 'that point'. I'm weak all the time. My vitals fall each day. I'm on death's doorstep. This isn't a joke. I'm weak and miserable. I was happy with my body before I knew the numbers.

My goal is 52-55kg. This is a BMI between 14-16, which is when my psych though I could get psych help last time around (though I was too far gone to take it). I don't want to die. I don't want to be miserable. My Eating Disorder is out of control.

I don't want to get fat.

I want to:
  • Eat clean, 1,000-2,000 cal a day

  • Train hard. Endurance running, yoga, and getting back to boxing are my first ports of call

  • Build muscle up to 55kg/120lb (BMI 16.0). This is when the pressure comes off from my psych to keep gaining weight. I'm okay with 55kg

  • Focus on optimal Health & Fitness, so I can be a good example

  • I just want to be happy. No number on the scales will ever be low enough. I accept this, too


I feel weak for 'giving up', but it's either Recovery or death or Involuntary Treatment (to prevent death & force recovery).

I've always wanted to do this off my own back when I felt I was ready. I think I am. It might stick, it might not. But I want to try. I want to channel my exercise & diet obsessions into optimal health. I want to be healthy, but I want to stay skinny. At a BMI of 16, this is definitely possible, especially if I build muscle.

I am sick and tired, of being sick and tired.

4 comments:

  1. Good luck. I'm so happy for you taking control of your life and not letting your ED stop you from being happy and healthy. Best of luck, I really hope it works for you.
    Will you still be using your blog if you seek recovery? I'll miss you if not, but seriously I'm so happy for you.

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  2. Thanks hun <3 I'm still going to blog - I need an outlet. I'm so fucking scared. But I can always go back. And I'm in control of eating & exercise this time. I don't have to go over 55kg if I don't want to. I can do that as long as I eat clean & build lean muscle mass. I can always go back. 55kg is 14kg above my low weight, and 8kg away from where I am today. I can gain or lose that in 6-8 weeks. I can always come back, if I fail at Recovery. If this doesn't work, it's the end of my road, and I'll just retreat and starve. I'm at my wits end :(

    Sorry, I sorta rambled at you there! xx

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  3. I am so happy that you want to do this, I have so much faith in you that you can do this.. you are strong and if you truly want to become happy and healthy I am sure that you can do it.. <3 Much love, whatever you decide you have my support x

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  4. I just started reading your blog a few days ago, and I was worried about you because you really seem like a very nice person. You are a caring, motivated, genuine person.I know you can become a doctor, or anything you want because you have the motivation that many people lack. You just need to use it for the right things :)I've been reading your blog any chance I get, and I'm very happy that this is the last one. Now I can follow your journey and you can always count on my support.I am also trying to lose weight but I don't want to get sick because I know there's people here that care about me, and I don't want to hurt anyone. I am especially talking about my mom, I have a close relationship with her, just like you do with your mom.It just breaks my heart when she's worried about me.I don't have a blog and I never comment either but I follow some. I think I found you through little piggy's blog (size zero intentions).I might get my own blog soon, but for now, I'm Klaudia :)

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