Saturday, 9 July 2016

Dread, and 2,000 Days

Billy took a bit of a tumble this morning.

Among a plethora of other health problems (including constant skin problems, eye problems that he had surgery on some years ago, having half of his teeth removed, and my personal favourite, being desexed twice - he literally 'grew a pair' a few years ago), when he was just a puppy, one morning his back went without warning, and he couldn't move.

He had an emergency trip to the vets, followed by a long drive up to Melbourne to have same-day emergency surgery. It was terrifying, holding him as his lay rigid in his bed on the backseat. He recovered well, and his back has been more or less fine since, but the fear of it happening again has always been there, especially knowing we probably couldn't afford another bout of surgery, especially given his age.

This morning, he was trying to get up on one of the chairs on the back porch. Usually, he's fine with our outdoor chairs, but mum's had a different chair recently as her's broke. When he tried to jump up, he fell and landed awkwardly, twisting his back. He started making this choking noise he makes when he's anxious (he has an elongated uvula that sometimes gets in the way, and yes, anxiety), and I panicked.

Rubbing his throat didn't work, so I picked him up and just held him, and he calmed down. His back was fine, thank god, but I'm a wreck.

He's getting older (13, I believe) and I'm so scared. I don't want to lose him. I don't know what I'll do when I do. I was heartbroken when we lost Silky, and ever since then, I've been painfully aware that one day, we'll lose Bill too. She had no health issues, and we lost her so quickly. One morning she was fine, but by 10:30am, we were coming home less one family member.

As stupid as it sounds, I'd never even considered that we'd one day lose her. She was older than Billy is now, but it'd still never crossed my mind.

I was a wreck for the longest time after losing her. I'll never forget looking into her eyes the moment the light left them. It haunts me to this day.

But Billy is my baby boy. I loved Silky beyond words. We'd had her since I was a small child. But Billy was adopted as mine. He's the one who can tell when I'm not feeling well, the one who'll stare at me and whimper when I'm upset or distressed. He can read me like Silky and Misty never could.

After his tumble this morning, I was crying for hours. I'm terrified that I might not have much longer with him. And I don't know what I'll do. Silky's death devastated me, but losing Billy could very well destroy me.

I know I shouldn't think about things like that, and just enjoy the time we have. Given his health issues, words cannot express how thankful I am that he's had as many years as he had. But how can I not worry for him?

It doesn't help that I've been feeling especially fragile the past few days. The first few hours of the day go okay, but by the afternoon, I'm completely overwhelmed and a wreck, even if there's no obvious trigger. I've been having my bedtime meds around 4pm, just so I can end the day quicker and hope tomorrow will be better, but it never is. Most days, I've been falling asleep outside in my armchair before I can even make it inside.

I feel like I'm constantly chasing my tail. My to-do list is neverending, and no matter what I do with my day, it's never enough.

The self-harm urges have been too strong to resist, and the OD urges even stronger - although mum's cracked down even harder on keeping medication well hidden. I bought a pack of razor blades on eBay, justifying it by the fact it'd be safer than using decade-old, rusty, broken ones. At the moment, I'm just taking my meds as soon as I can and hoping for the best.

I truly believe I'm too far gone, mentally, to be able to come back from it and live a normal life, or to even want to.

I just want it to stop.
I just want it to be over.

In other news, I'm actually catching up with a friend tomorrow (one of those 'real life' ones I rarely see). In an attempt to make myself look more like a human being again, I dyed my hair this afternoon, and I'm about to finish painting my nails. Fresh, vibrant hair colour always boosts my confidence, even if only just a little. I'll post a picture after it's dry and straightened, but it's the same colour I've had for years.

I usually suck at social encounters, especially the whole 'conversation' thing, so wish me luck.

As for "2,000 Days"? I finally reached the epic milestone for days in a row on MyFitnessPal. So at least that's a positive for today.

My Baby Boy



  1. the 2,000 days is your MFP log isn't it? i know it is. i don't need confirmations. not too keen about knowing what the "dread" part is.

    "Billy took a bit of a tumble this morning." NO

    aye, i just recently learned that dogs could be anxious and stuff. the mate i told you about - the sedative lass - she's Fred on the blog (though i've never used her blog character), her doggie is afraid of storms and gets very anxious and rigid. i wouldn't be able to tell. our cat, Christoph, was recently taken away. sister Ginny took most of the care for him so i didn't see him as much, but when i did see him, i was able to dictate at least when he was most likely to bite me just because he was a moody bastard.

    i always always have that fear for whenever i know someone has pets. it's dreadful. like with Ruby, or with your or with my friend... i can't fathom the thought of it.

    i am so so sorry for your loss, my love. i know that the word is meaningless, but i can only say that i can't imagine how it must be like... but the thought of it makes me feel ill.

    i don't think it's impossible not to worry.

    i take having a pet almost like actually having a very close, reliant family member. if these things happened to a relative, you'd feel that way. people will tell you to "just enjoy the time you have left" and you can try, but it's still difficult especially if we're waiting for an impending doom. i can only hope that by God's will, Bill outlives poor Silky.

    i hope that he recovers from his stumble. and i hope that you feel better soon.

    "My to-do list is neverending, and no matter what I do with my day, it's never enough." is this the list you've put for yourself in your head or someone else's? you know, i wouldn't trust the things that you expect from yourself. give it time. you can climb the highest of mountains and i have no doubt about it, but that's not wise if you're still recovering from a broken leg now, is it? <3

    as i'll tell you and continue to tell you, i don't believe in that. i don't believe that you're too far gone. i've seen too much good in my life happen to think otherwise. i will always have that hope for you.

    i'm wishing you all the luck in the world.

    and... *insert the usual words about offending you*

    i'd give a reread of this comment to make sure nothing's out of line, but i'll take my chances this time round xxx

    i love you to bits.

    -Sam Lupin

  2. You can grow a pair!!
    So basically anything is possible!

    Good luck with your get-together mate.

  3. Bella
    Please please don't give up
    Don't let yourself go there
    Believe me
    As long as you have air in your lungs
    There is hope
    I know it feels like you've gone too far to come back
    But you haven't
    You are smart
    Super talented
    Endlessly kind and patient
    You have so much to offer
    So much to give
    So please don't sell yourself short
    You are an amazing friend
    And I love you very very much x

  4. That sucks about the scare you had with Billy. I don't even want to think of the possibility of losing either one of my dogs. They mean so much to me, they are more important to me than some of my biological family.

    New blades are definitely better than rusty ones...though the fact that you bought them is concerning. Please be safe. I've done the same thing so many times, and it has never once gone well. You are NOT too far gone to have a normal life. What is normal anyway?? I'll say are not too far gone to overcome and experience peace. It may not look like you think it should....but I believe it's possible.

    Good luck with hanging out with your friend! I'm terrible at social situations too (SO fucking awkward). I'm guessing your friend will be thrilled to see you. Good friends don't care about our social weirdnesses anyway, right?

  5. I know exactly how you feel, being afraid for Billy. My cat Callisto (who was pretty much my soul mate) was sickly for a long while before she died, and I was a basketcase most of the time. And stupid me then went out and adopted not one, but TWO cats. So I can do that all over again twice. Someone needs to come up with a way to make them live as long as we do.

    I hope the friend get-together goes well. xo

  6. I've had so many beloved animals die on the farm when I was growing up and it never got better no matter how long I had had them for. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I lost my pup that I have now. Huge hugs! Also, I don't know how you can log into that every day. I go strong for maybe three days then forget the third then the fourth, get back to it and it's all over the place! :) Lots of love

  7. I'm sorry things are so rough right now. I really believe you can make it through this.

    I understand the fear about losing a pet. I was terrified and paranoid about losing Mudge years before it happened and even when she was healthy. I was thinking that if Billy has back problems, there are ways to help. When our dog was older he had arthritis and knee problems, so my parents put basically a plastic box at the end of their bed as an extra step so he didn't have to jump all the way from floor to bed. They sell special steps to help animals climb onto furniture, but this was cheaper. Maybe you could find a similar solution for the chair? That way there's less risk of falling and making things worse. You might find other advice online. Hang in there. I really believe things can get better

  8. Sorry to hear about Billy, I understand the fear of losing a pet. I was devastated when we lost Thomas (10 years ago now.) He was our childhood cat and was the same age as me. He had a series of strokes and died in front of me which was sad.

    On a less serious note, I didn't realise it was possible to grow a pair! Haha! Guess you learn something new every day!

    I hope he's ok now. That sort of stuff is scary.

    I get the anxiety being triggered by littlest things, or sometimes from nothing at all. I seem to be getting it quite a bit myself lately. I think you're right in the fact you should appreciate the time you have with him, and not worry about the future. Overthinking things always makes me worse.

    Please don't give up. I know the feeling of being overwhelmed and just killing the days. I look forward to going to bed these days, just so I can have a new day. I hope you'll be able to get slowly better, I think it is possible, I keep holding on to that hope. It would make me so happy if you managed to get well again, you've got so much going for you, even if you might not feel it at the moment. The one thing that keeps me alive is hope, even when I have none a lot of the time.

    Starbars are chewier than picnics, and have all caramel and peanut butter in them. I love picnics though, and double deckers, and boost bars! I stopped eating starbars for a while because eating them every day kind of puts you off, but I've recently rediscovered the love :D I only like cheap chocolate (I don't like the taste of cocoa because I'm weird!) cheap chocolate isn't really chocolate, it's just sugar and fat!

    With weird body types, I'm relatively average height, but I have very long arms, my waist has always been a lot smaller than the rest of me, I've never had boobs (even at BMI 24) and my top half is a lot smaller than my bottom half. I first got interested in sewing through having to alter my own clothes to make them fit me properly. I tended to have to size up and then alter things to fit me. Must be a pain being 6 foot 1 though with clothes.

    I know you're ahead of us in timezones, so you've probably already seen your friend. I hope it's gone well.


  9. Stay strong Bella. Sending you much love xoxo

  10. I'm so sorry to hear this! Please hang in there: It truly isn't too late.
    Do you think you would be able to surrender your care to someone else? Maybe through in-patient? Sometimes when we feel like giving up, we can actually give up in order to let someone else's strength carry and heal us.
    We are all rooting for you!

  11. Hi Bella,
    I just seen your comment on a previous post of mine but thought I would comment on yours.

    I'm aware this post was a couple of days ago so I hope your feeling much better now..
    I can definetly relate to you when it comes to the loss of a pet, my pets have always been just as important to me as the people in my family. I call my cats my 'babies' and pretty much treat them like they're my children. I've always found it difficult to cope when one has passed and thinking about it happening is terrifying for me also. I could tell you to focus on the time you have with them and enjoy that which is still good advice but knowing where your coming from I know that it probably would make any difference to how you're feeling so if you ever want to chat about anything at all don't hesitate to contact me anytime.


  12. I have two cats. They are ten years now and I am praying they will turn out to be one of those cats that live well into their twenties (the oldest cat in the world lived to 38). I have had two cats before that I had to have put down and I still, after more than ten years, feel like a murderer although I know it was for the best; they were both quite ill. The point, after all this rambling, is to LOVE. Love, love, love them every day. No one on their deathbed will say, "gee, I wish I hadn't shown my pets that much love."

    I don't want to believe that there is no way back for you, that things will never get better. I refuse to. You have such strength in you and even if the fight seems in vain sometimes, I truly believe that things will get better. Maybe one day they will find a new medication that works, or a form of therapy, anything that will help you become the person you deserve to be. No ghosts, at least none that can't be vanquished.

    I love you to bits, dear Bella, and I am rooting for you from the other side of the world (you can hear it if you listen carefully).

  13. Dude sorry things aren't great right now.

    The way I'm starting to see it, ED is in a nutshell a kind of anxiety. Like it totally makes sense with your complex history.

    But paradoxically solving the future will heal the past.

    Like you can't heal the past to fix the future.

    You need to find out what you're most afraid of in the here and now.

    All this mindfulness stuff is a good habit but it's a short term thing.

    If you can kill off the dragon you can then go into the cave later look at the past (trauma) and hopefully get a bit of treasure to take with you.

    Sometimes killing the dragon is a lot of little fears at first.

    So now I'm off to take an underwear free bike ride cos i love the cold breeze on my .... er face. 😂😂😂😂