Among a plethora of other health problems (including constant skin problems, eye problems that he had surgery on some years ago, having half of his teeth removed, and my personal favourite, being desexed twice - he literally 'grew a pair' a few years ago), when he was just a puppy, one morning his back went without warning, and he couldn't move.
He had an emergency trip to the vets, followed by a long drive up to Melbourne to have same-day emergency surgery. It was terrifying, holding him as his lay rigid in his bed on the backseat. He recovered well, and his back has been more or less fine since, but the fear of it happening again has always been there, especially knowing we probably couldn't afford another bout of surgery, especially given his age.
This morning, he was trying to get up on one of the chairs on the back porch. Usually, he's fine with our outdoor chairs, but mum's had a different chair recently as her's broke. When he tried to jump up, he fell and landed awkwardly, twisting his back. He started making this choking noise he makes when he's anxious (he has an elongated uvula that sometimes gets in the way, and yes, anxiety), and I panicked.
Rubbing his throat didn't work, so I picked him up and just held him, and he calmed down. His back was fine, thank god, but I'm a wreck.
He's getting older (13, I believe) and I'm so scared. I don't want to lose him. I don't know what I'll do when I do. I was heartbroken when we lost Silky, and ever since then, I've been painfully aware that one day, we'll lose Bill too. She had no health issues, and we lost her so quickly. One morning she was fine, but by 10:30am, we were coming home less one family member.
As stupid as it sounds, I'd never even considered that we'd one day lose her. She was older than Billy is now, but it'd still never crossed my mind.
I was a wreck for the longest time after losing her. I'll never forget looking into her eyes the moment the light left them. It haunts me to this day.
But Billy is my baby boy. I loved Silky beyond words. We'd had her since I was a small child. But Billy was adopted as mine. He's the one who can tell when I'm not feeling well, the one who'll stare at me and whimper when I'm upset or distressed. He can read me like Silky and Misty never could.
After his tumble this morning, I was crying for hours. I'm terrified that I might not have much longer with him. And I don't know what I'll do. Silky's death devastated me, but losing Billy could very well destroy me.
I know I shouldn't think about things like that, and just enjoy the time we have. Given his health issues, words cannot express how thankful I am that he's had as many years as he had. But how can I not worry for him?
It doesn't help that I've been feeling especially fragile the past few days. The first few hours of the day go okay, but by the afternoon, I'm completely overwhelmed and a wreck, even if there's no obvious trigger. I've been having my bedtime meds around 4pm, just so I can end the day quicker and hope tomorrow will be better, but it never is. Most days, I've been falling asleep outside in my armchair before I can even make it inside.
I feel like I'm constantly chasing my tail. My to-do list is neverending, and no matter what I do with my day, it's never enough.
The self-harm urges have been too strong to resist, and the OD urges even stronger - although mum's cracked down even harder on keeping medication well hidden. I bought a pack of razor blades on eBay, justifying it by the fact it'd be safer than using decade-old, rusty, broken ones. At the moment, I'm just taking my meds as soon as I can and hoping for the best.
I truly believe I'm too far gone, mentally, to be able to come back from it and live a normal life, or to even want to.
I just want it to stop.
I just want it to be over.
In other news, I'm actually catching up with a friend tomorrow (one of those 'real life' ones I rarely see). In an attempt to make myself look more like a human being again, I dyed my hair this afternoon, and I'm about to finish painting my nails. Fresh, vibrant hair colour always boosts my confidence, even if only just a little. I'll post a picture after it's dry and straightened, but it's the same colour I've had for years.
I usually suck at social encounters, especially the whole 'conversation' thing, so wish me luck.
As for "2,000 Days"? I finally reached the epic milestone for days in a row on MyFitnessPal. So at least that's a positive for today.
|My Baby Boy|