Wednesday, 27 July 2016

Psychs, Piercings, Scans and Sobriety

I've got a big week coming up.

Tomorrow, my GP is picking me up to take me for a 4pm appointment to meet this new psychologist. I can't say I'm looking forward to it. I've managed years without a psych, and I'm kind of scared of the power they hold, but after putting it off for so long, my GP isn't giving me much choice in the matter.

Then, I've got to go into town for 5:30 to get my tongue web piercing taken out. My piercers are amazing, and I messaged one of them the other day letting them know I'd be in, and asking what times she or her husband would be around so I wasn't just dealing with strangers. She's amazing, and is going to make sure one of them will be in, even though their trainees could probably manage it.

I'm nervous about going into the heart of town, but since my GP couldn't get it out and I really need this MRI done (due to the seizures, synthetics and head-banging), I've not much choice.

Friday, I'll be up early to take extra meds in preparation for an 8am MRI. Cue 30-90 minutes of being in a confined space with loud noises banging around.

Then, the next day, I've got to go back into town to get my piercing put back in. Since it's one of the few times I'll have to go into town (whenever I've gone for dinner in town, mum or brother drop me at the door and escort me in while the other finds a carpark), I'm going to get a new piercing while I'm there, so keep an eye out for that!

I also ended up having a visitor on Monday, which doesn't happen often. Since letting Him (the abusive ex) into the house, I don't let people in the house very much anymore.

I was having a hard day, and had taken the entirety of the next day's meds when I had my night meds, and cracked a bottle of red. By the end of the night, I'd gone through a bottle and a half. I wanted to knock myself out so I wouldn't do anything stupid.

Not long after I started drinking, I got a message from A, asking if I wanted to catch up. Apart from R, he's pretty much the only other person I've socialized with in the past 4+ years.

I snuck out with him back in December, when I first met him. I don't think I ever fully wrote about it. Basically, we were friends on FB, and one night he drove down to Geelong and I hopped the back fence. Didn't tell anyone at the time (smart, right?). We went back to Melbourne and drank, played pool, heck, I even went to a strip club for the first time in my life. It was during a manic episode, and probably not the best choice, but hey. When he drove me home, he ended up crashing here before the long drive back, and witnessed me having a seizure (but didn't get help until I came out of it and he told me what had happened).

Now is probably a good time to mention, I am desperately lonely, pathetic as it may sound. Especially after seeing R the other week, then crashing back to the reality of loneliness... It's a stark and painful contrast.

Like I mentioned, I wasn't feeling very stable, and felt I'd end up ODing and SHing, so I figured having someone around to 'babysit' would help prevent disaster.

I didn't want to get stuck in a situation that I didn't want to be in, so I put on my big girl boots and told him there'd be no messing around, that my head's not in a good place, as a sort of caveat before he'd even gotten in the car. He agreed, and stuck to it.

He even brought me a box of chocolates, which was lovely. I don't think I've ever been given chocolate or flowers before.

And as a final note, I've officially been off synthetics for over a month. I never thought I'd be able to, but last month's episodes (posted about here, with follow-up here) really rocked me to the core. 'Sobriety' mightn't be the right word, as I've still smoked the natural stuff, but really, it doesn't bother me that much. I can manage it - synthetics just fucked me up.

I want to do something to celebrate this milestone that I never thought I'd reach. I'm thinking of going out to dinner with the family this weekend, but I'm just not sure where. I want to go for Japanese as it's my safest option, but the last time we went to our usual spot, I ended up seeing Him sat across the room having dinner. Obviously, I have no intention of ever going to that restaurant ever again.

I've only been into town once since - again, dropped at the door for dinner. Especially since I've got to go into town twice for the whole piercing thing, I really would rather not having to go in a third time, so I might try to find somewhere further out of town.

Billy invading Misty's side of the couch



  1. i genuinely came here for a comment reply. this post hasn't even shown up on my blog roll yet! let's see if i can write a reply before it shows up.

    what a title.

    i'm wishing you luck for the appointment tomorrow. i hope that a new face into the game might be a good thing. i know that it could potentially flake out but i genuinely hope that she/he's actually pukka.

    you're getting a piercing taken out??? i looked it up online... can you eat with that piercing on?

    hope that there is none of those anymore - the seizures, synthetics and headbanging.

    MRI's are... well, do you know how they work? they work basically on hydrogen protons. it's actually pretty interesting. it's physics. i actually went on about to read to refresh my memory so i can explain it here: *refreshs blog* uh oh, posted 16 minutes ago. i didn't make it, love. bad Sam. oh well, i have time to put this in colourful words. well, MRI's use protons (hydrogen actually - which makes sense because the body is made out of water). hydrogen protons have a "spin" and thus, and they produce a magnetic field with their spin. they orientate "up" or "down" in the magnetic field that is produced. different tissues = different alignment. different alignment = differences in the background as the image is produced. the machine that is used help pick it up as a frequency.

    OH. YOU'RE TAKING IT OUT FOR THE MRI. that took me about 5 minutes to get. here i am talking about magnetic fields and i forgot that your piercings are made out of metal.

    A NEW PIERCING? oh gosh golly miss Molly.

    i really am sad that you feel so lonely right now. i hope that you feel better soon enough. i know i say this a lot, but i really do. i hope that things look up for you and you're able to breathe a little bit more sometimes.

    "I don't think I've ever been given chocolate or flowers before." WHAT? how is this even possible? you deserve those chocolates bby.


    oh, i hope you do find a restaurant and i understand why you'd never want to go to a restaurant again. of course, can't wait until you post a blog about that then!

    ARE THOSE INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED? not saying anything but individually wrapped chocolate is pretty much the best chocolate ever. but mint... i am not a fan of. hmm.

    BILLY how is that lad how's he doing

    comment reply:

    yes, Bella needs to get a car. and drive very very far away. to Bahrain. (because that's totally possible, there's no water). far far away from Him (lowkey want to kill him) and the Horrible Psychiatrist (ew). i obvs don't mention either in comments because i'd rather not you think about it, but then again, sometimes, not mentioning it makes it seem like i don't pay attention/don't care but i do care. and i absolutely love you.

    apparently, you honk for birds. the sound scares them so they fly off. this i learned later on when there were actual birds in front of me. i think with brakes, there's still a potential of running over them.

    "and within two minutes of getting his licence, he slammed his uncle's car into another bloke's STATIONARY car. "
    Omg. <--i'm still in horrors over this.

    Ron had a bit of help, but he is only 12. Ron did somehow manage to fill cake with Nutella. which Percy thinks is only done by machines and very smart people (like you).

    "the wind chill factored in, it's 53 degrees" <--mate, rn, it's 1pm and also 53. you can cook an egg outside probably.

    "I want your car. Wait, no. I want you to drive me around in your car :D" are you sure? i don't want to drive me in my car. i'm scared i'd break something. namely people's bones.


    -Sam Lupin

  2. I do worry about A after last time, because what you said didn't sound that good. I'm glad you were able to set down boundaries and he stuck to them. Also yey to presents :)

    And yes! Sobriety! I'm incredibly proud of you for doing that. Sometimes it does take a really bad experience to shock you into stopping, I know it did with me and drinking. I just thought that I didn't want to be in that position again. I've had the odd drink over the last year, but I've stuck to it more or less!

    Is it possible to take a trip out of town to celebrate? It would be great to celebrate without the pressures.

    New piercings are always good. Been a while since I got any new ones. I actually took all mine out relatively recently when I decided I was going to try being a grown up! I kind of miss them now though...

    Hope Billy is doing a bit better now!


  3. This is great news Bella!
    One month of the synthetics
    You should be very proud of yourself
    I know I am so proud of you
    It's not easy to let go of something you depend on so much
    So well done you
    And I hope you do get to celebrate
    Treat yourself
    God knows you deserve it sweetheart

    I'm also a bit worried about the friend you mentioned
    As I recall from your posts back then that he was there when you had a seizure
    And he did nothing
    I will say just to be careful
    Your safety is paramount
    I just hope he is an ok guy
    You don't need anymore assholes in your life

    Good luck tomorrow also
    I hope the appointment goes well
    And you feel like you are getting some proper support
    As ever
    I am here
    And sending love and hope and courage your way

    Never give up my dear Bells
    I promise you
    Life is not as scary as our ED would have us believe
    I shit you not on that one

    Love you x

  4. Yay new piercing!!! I seriously need to get the tragus piercing that I've been talking about for ohhh....a year or two now? lol

    Congrats on the one month. :)

  5. You really need a decent psychologist. After reading your last several months' worth of posts, that much is very clear. But you need someone that you like, someone you can learn to feel comfortable with and trust. I'm actually kind of shocked your doctors haven't been pushing you towards a shrink before now.... Maybe try not to think of it as being forced into it? In the long run, a decent shrink will be more beneficial than anything else the doctors have been throwing at you.

    I haaaaaaaaaaaate getting MRI's or anything similar, especially if it's something where you can't bring an ipod. Last time I had to get a scan, I starting reciting The Princess Bride in my head, just to keep my brain occupied (I have the whole film memorized...)

    Excited for photos of the new piercing!! You're very brave. I can sit for hours at a time for tattoos, but come at me with a piercing needle and I'll pass out.

    I'm glad you got to spend time with a friend.

    That's a huge milestone. Go have a nice dinner!!


  6. I haven't been on Blogger for a while and I've made a new blog now, so I apologise for not commenting as frequently as before! But well done to you for being off synthetics for a month, that wouldn't have been easy at all and that's something to be so very proud of! Good luck to you for your appointment. I'm so sorry about how you feel lonely right now and I completely understand and hope you feel better soon. Lots of love xx

  7. it does sound like a big week. Sending love and hugs.