Tomorrow is appointment #3 with the new mental health nurse.
Last week was hard. Appointments are becoming more and more of a push. But what else am I going to do?
She started out asking more of the generic getting-to-know-you questions. How often I see the GP (monthly, plus as needed) and the dietician (weekly) included.
"So what do you and the dietician talk about? What sort of foods to eat, your weight..."
and I got majorly uncomfortable and just said
"I don't feel comfortable talking to her (or YOU) about that stuff right now."
Hence my crisis as to the point of attending appointments in the first place.
She asked if something had happened to damage the trust. I nodded. She seems to get that part, at least.
"Well, it's good to see you here again. Well done on getting here."
"You're not under threat to be here... Mum's not threatening you, is she?" she jokes
"No, but the GP is."
"What do you want to get out of seeing me?"
That damn question again.
"I don't know."
"I guess I want to get to know you, what you do, what you like, what makes you happy..."
I wanted to cry. Nothing makes me happy.
"...and I want to be here for you to talk about how you're feeling, what's going on in your life, who you love, who you hate."
Eventually Mindfulness came up, which I did a little bit of with the last MHN. She asked if I was still doing it. I shook my head. She started asking about what types of mindfulness we did, and I'm just completely clueless. It's still all new and confusing to me. She was going to try to contact the old MHN and find out what resources she uses.
"Does seeing me again make you feel like it's lasted so long, you might never get better?"
I don't need her to make me feel like that.
She was saying that she thinks mindfulness is a good place to start. She doesn't want to focus on the ED since it's the focus with the dietician and GP, which is fine by me.
But my head was about to burst. And then she started asking questions about Billy and Misty. Mum answers, but I'm on the verge of tears. It's all too much and I want to jump and bolt. So I do.
"I have to get out of here."
Honestly, I can't stand the getting-to-know-you phase. Pictures of pets. It seems to pointless. Doesn't that just happen along the way? If I'm stuck seeing you, I don't want to spend the time talking about hobbies while my head is trying to kill me. It frustrates the hell out of me.
So I really need to try to speak up tomorrow. Nothing is okay. Each day is too much, and there's no break, I can't even sleep more than 2hrs at a time. I know I need to tell her how bad things are, to get some sort of a plan on board, but how do you open up to someone you really don't know? Everyone's expecting miracles because I've seen her before, so obviously I should be comfortable with her, but clearly it's not going to work that way.
The dietician's been really nice recently though. I think since my epic breakdown a few weeks ago when my GP had to come in and help calm me down, they've started to see how bad things are. I cried on her again this morning. She kept asking about how weighing myself at home was going and calories and what foods I've been eating (as dietician's have a bad habit of doing...), and I just cracked.
She asked if it'd be best to not ask any more questions, and if there's anything else we could talk about that would help, but really there's nothing.
"Did you not want to come in the first place?"
"Do you think it'd be better if you didn't come?"
And I just cried harder.
She said she thinks it's good for me to get out and have the social contact, even if I'm not able to talk. She even offered to come over for a cup of tea if I can't get out, which I thought was really sweet.
It's taken me all week to get my thoughts together on such a short appointment. God help me if I actually speak up tomorrow.