Tuesday, 2 June 2015


Tomorrow is appointment #3 with the new mental health nurse.

Last week was hard. Appointments are becoming more and more of a push. But what else am I going to do?

She started out asking more of the generic getting-to-know-you questions. How often I see the GP (monthly, plus as needed) and the dietician (weekly) included.
"So what do you and the dietician talk about? What sort of foods to eat, your weight..."
and I got majorly uncomfortable and just said
"I don't feel comfortable talking to her (or YOU) about that stuff right now."
Hence my crisis as to the point of attending appointments in the first place.

She asked if something had happened to damage the trust. I nodded. She seems to get that part, at least.

"Well, it's good to see you here again. Well done on getting here."
"You're not under threat to be here... Mum's not threatening you, is she?" she jokes
"No, but the GP is."

"What do you want to get out of seeing me?"
That damn question again.
"I don't know."
"I guess I want to get to know you, what you do, what you like, what makes you happy..."
I wanted to cry. Nothing makes me happy.
"...and I want to be here for you to talk about how you're feeling, what's going on in your life, who you love, who you hate."

Eventually Mindfulness came up, which I did a little bit of with the last MHN. She asked if I was still doing it. I shook my head. She started asking about what types of mindfulness we did, and I'm just completely clueless. It's still all new and confusing to me. She was going to try to contact the old MHN and find out what resources she uses.

"Does seeing me again make you feel like it's lasted so long, you might never get better?"
I don't need her to make me feel like that.

She was saying that she thinks mindfulness is a good place to start. She doesn't want to focus on the ED since it's the focus with the dietician and GP, which is fine by me.
But my head was about to burst. And then she started asking questions about Billy and Misty. Mum answers, but I'm on the verge of tears. It's all too much and I want to jump and bolt. So I do.
"I have to get out of here."

Honestly, I can't stand the getting-to-know-you phase. Pictures of pets. It seems to pointless. Doesn't that just happen along the way? If I'm stuck seeing you, I don't want to spend the time talking about hobbies while my head is trying to kill me. It frustrates the hell out of me.

So I really need to try to speak up tomorrow. Nothing is okay. Each day is too much, and there's no break, I can't even sleep more than 2hrs at a time. I know I need to tell her how bad things are, to get some sort of a plan on board, but how do you open up to someone you really don't know? Everyone's expecting miracles because I've seen her before, so obviously I should be comfortable with her, but clearly it's not going to work that way.

The dietician's been really nice recently though. I think since my epic breakdown a few weeks ago when my GP had to come in and help calm me down, they've started to see how bad things are. I cried on her again this morning. She kept asking about how weighing myself at home was going and calories and what foods I've been eating (as dietician's have a bad habit of doing...), and I just cracked.

She asked if it'd be best to not ask any more questions, and if there's anything else we could talk about that would help, but really there's nothing.
"Did you not want to come in the first place?"
"Do you think it'd be better if you didn't come?"
And I just cried harder.

She said she thinks it's good for me to get out and have the social contact, even if I'm not able to talk. She even offered to come over for a cup of tea if I can't get out, which I thought was really sweet.

It's taken me all week to get my thoughts together on such a short appointment. God help me if I actually speak up tomorrow.



  1. i'm glad you're still going to them, courageous little lion. <3

    "I wanted to cry. Nothing makes me happy." :( i want to fucking take away all the sadness. i'm so sorry you're feeling so low. it's terrible and you don't deserve it at all. nobody does, especially not someone as perfect and as lovely as you.

    i'm sorry you felt so suffocated. this sounds like it's been such a hard few days/weeks for you. in fact, they've been hard few years for you.

    i hope you do speak up. every word you say is important and precious. sweetie, nobody's expecting miracles. perhaps you are. it's okay. work at your own pace. nobody expects anything of you, sugar plum.

    that is really sweet.

    if you can, you can write down your thoughts. i find that the first appointment with anyone enduring any form of health services - i find it easier to just write it down on a sheet of paper and give it to them rather than having to tell them anything. because i feel like i can't talk properly to them because i don't know them. i'd feel flustered and anxious if i say those things to them and they're just strangers. so the paper route always helped? i hope it does for you too.

    i love you. i'm sorry that things are getting harder instead of easier. i'm sorry. you know i'd do anything to make you smile even a little bit. it sounds like you are in such pain, and i feel like i can see you drowning in it, but i don't know how to pull you out. it's not that easy. no magical words are going to just 'cure' you.

    it's either there or it isn't. and when it is, it's a black hole that sucks you and everything around you.

    let me know if there's anything i can do to make you smile a little. i don't think anything is stupid by the way *sends kisses* <3

    -Sam Lupin

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  2. This just broke my heart! I just know exactly how you feel and it pains me to know that we have to feel this way. I wish I could take it all away, for you, for me, for all of us.

    Maybe if you just sort of just go for it, just speak up and starting talking regardless of if its weird or awkward. That way it's just done and over with.

    It's okay to cry, too. Crying is just our body's way of expelling excess pain. Not all of it obviously or nobody would be in these positions. But just let it out, try and be honest.

    I'm so sorry you're struggling like this. Hang in there, okay? Stay strong.

    Much love, xx.

  3. My heart breaks for you Bella, I wish there was something, anything I could do to help you. I would say yes keep going to the appointments, even if you can't speak because at least it's something rather than nothing? But only you know what's best for you, only you can decide. I just hope that no matter what, you will be ok in the end. I'm thinking of you dearest, and please know that I'm here for you if I can do anything, even write to you if you want some mail? Thinking of you very much and sending hugs and positivity and all things good your way xxxx

  4. Despite cracking, despite the anxiety and the tears, you went. That is the first crucial step. Never forget that you are stronger than you think.

  5. Aww Bells, I am glad you're still going! It's the tiny victories that count! I love you so much beautiful Bella! xx

  6. Sometimes I find it easier opening up to people I don't know. When I've had appointments, I either tell them everything or nothing. I've also done the paper route before with everything written down, and no-one has made me feel silly for that.
    Although, "how do you open up to someone you don't know?"- I suppose blogging is a form of this. We all tell each other things here that we can't in real life; isn't that very similar?

    I hope it went better than some of the others. It's definitely a positive that you're still going, even if you can't see it. Even if it doesn't seem like it, I think you're better off with the whole team than without them.

    I'm sort of thinking out loud here for what might be manageable but a great achievement if you did, so you can ignore this part if you like. As for what you want to get out of the sessions... maybe aim for making it through one without bolting or crying, or even to try and explain that you don't know what you want to get? Or even aim to talk?

    Love to you Bella <3 I've recently found the Options Vanilla and Hazelnut hot chocolates. You'll have to let me know which you liked and disliked for the next package :) xx

  7. Baby steps Bella
    They are the ones that count
    Then all those baby steps add up to be great strides
    Bella I have no doubt whatsoever that you are stronger than you will
    Even as ill as you are
    Your personality
    Your kind caring gentle personality
    Shines through
    And shines so bright
    I love what Sam said
    You are a courageous little lion

    Please don't quit five minutes before the miracle

    Love always x

    1. Apologies
      Stronger than you think not will
      It's 10 30pm
      Way past my bedtime
      So typos will happen x

  8. Bella I love you to pieces and I would be lost without you. I hate the get to know you phase as well, a lot of the time because those questions are triggering, and i don't give a shit about what they are asking. when surviving is impossible, how are we meant to answer superficial questions that seem to lack all point and purpose. I love you, keep going as long as you can, I'll try and fight on this side for you to. I cried so hard on clare yesterday when she phoned, i really want to go back, id rather be on the bloody ed ward, and that is saying something. I love you so much xxx

  9. Hi girl! It has been a while since I have logged on but you're one of those persons who I am happy to see writing still. You brave little thing. <3

    Remember that the only thing that matters here is that you keep on going. Even half a step or some days just breathing in and visualizing the step, getting the courage to actually take it. Some days you have to stop and sit down for a while to realize how far you've come. Nothing has changed here, I still am in the same boat with Sam. You need to make this at your own phase <3 miracles will happen only when you don't push them too hard. I mean you need to work for it, like you know you do. But don't force it too hard because then it won't last and it will break you.

    Just keep going, keep open mind and give it a shot. It seems that thing have been getting worse for you so long that it's not even funny to say "things have to get worse before they can get better". But I still do believe that everything has a meaning and if you just hold on to that curiosity I know you have and cherish the talent to see beauty in things the way you do, you'll pull through. No matter how bitter lemons the life throws at you. You're so strong.

    Just can't tell you how happy I am to see that you're still here. Alive *more or less* because I could never forget you. Love you to the moon and back. Go and let the magic happen <3 <3 <3