Saturday, 13 June 2015


In the early hours of this morning, I woke up to find my mum and brother standing over me, looking quite concerned, my brother on the phone.

I jumped, not knowing what was going on. I had actually been awake for a while. Mum had heard me in pain and come into the lounge room to find me on the floor, clutching the coffee table, hyperventilating with a golf ball-sized lump on my forehead. My brother was in the process of calling for an ambulance, and I panicked.

I moved out to my armchair, and the ambos were here within 5 minutes. They checked my OBs and had a look at the lump on my head.
    "Can you tell me what month and year it is?"
    "August... 2005."
    "No... It's 2015. Try the month again."
    "Not quite. It's June."

After that, they definitely wanted to take me to the hospital. I asked if I could go to the private A&E, but they said they weren't open that early, and I would have to go to much-feared public hospital, home of the Horrible Psychiatrist. That was the first time I had any idea what time it was. Still dark, I thought it was about 2-3am, when really it was just shy of 6am by this point.

After agreeing to go to A&E or at least see a GP once 8am rolled around, I had some painkillers and they helped me back inside to make sure I could walk properly. I stumbled and had to sit halfway, and they pointed out that my not going straight to hospital in the ambulance would be put down as a 'refusal'.

I went back outside for a smoke after they left. By this point, I was feeling a little less out-of-it, and started re-tracing my steps to figure out how I ended up on the floor with a huge lump on my head. I realised that the TV & Wii had been on in the background when the ambos were there.

The first minutes of my morning usually go like this: turn on the Wii, go to the toilet, check my weight, make a coffee, go out for a smoke.
(I know the Wii isn't accurate, but I've actually been finding it comforting in a sense; not knowing my exact weight, while still monitoring it closely for changes.)
It wasn't until later that I vaguely remembered waking up and feeling really dizzy while walking to the toilet.

I went to have a look inside, and saw that the Wii Fit was loaded and mid-way through the weighing process. The controller, instead of being on the coffee table next to me during the weighing process, had flown halfway across the room. 

Apparently, I fell while standing on the Wii, hit my head on the edge of the TV cabinet, and fell over grasping for the coffee table. I wasn't responsive until after my mum and brother had helped me back to the couch, at which point I thought I'd only just woken up.

At 8am, mum called the GP clinic to see if I could get an appointment and avoid having to go to A&E. They're open for a few hours over weekends, but they only have one doctor working. I had my fingers crossed it was either my GP or my childhood GP. When mum told me it was one of the newer, younger male doctors, and asked if that was okay, I just said
    "I don't have much choice, do I?"

So I went in to see him at 9:15. Given I wasn't the best witness for what happened, plus it being a male GP I didn't know, I asked mum to come in with me and she agreed. We filled him in on what happened. He felt around my head, checked my eyes, OBs, all of that sorta stuff. He didn't think I needed any scans done to check for fractures or brain damage (always amazing, given my head is probably my main self-harm outlet), and we started to talk about what the hell caused it.

He suggested low blood pressure, although it's been fine lately. He thinks it's unlikely I had another seizure, but to keep an eye on me today just in case.
(So far, so good.)

I said I thought it was maybe my oxygen levels. They were okay when the ambos checked my OBs, but fell after they left, and have been lingering close to danger-zones lately. He asked if I felt like I had an infection, and I told him I really can never tell until I see my GP. He listened to my chest and noticed a lot of noise, but wasn't too sure as he doesn't know what I'm like normally.

He told me to take the stronger painkillers for my headache, and gave me advice for extra puffers, telling me to make an appointment with my GP for Monday to see if I need more antibiotics.

He also said to expect a black eye in the next 2-3 days, after the swelling reaches its peak and gravity takes it's toll (it's on the side of my forehead). This will be my third black eye, and the only one that wasn't entirely self-inflicted.

Since the dietician on Tuesday until now, I've had five appointments. 
After my GP on Monday, the dietician on Tuesday, and both the MHN and dietician again on Thursday, it'll be 9 in just over a week. 
I think that's some kind of record for me.

The last few days have totally disappeared between appointments and trying to regather my thoughts on them, and then this morning's fall. I'm going to try to seriously crack down on catching up on commenting/reading and replying to emails and such in the next few days. I love you guys; I promise I'll always get around to it eventually.

Apologies for any typos, but there's so much going on lately, I had to post about it today despite my frazzled head.



  1. Oh Bella, I am so sorry for such a traumatic morning! I hope that everything heals just fine and that it wasn't something major or that will happen again in the future <3

  2. Oh my goodness Bella, what an ordeal you've been through my lovely! I hope that you're ok and that you don't get a black eye, and hope that your headache isn't too awful for you. I wonder what caused it, whether it was low blood pressure or low oxygen? Hope it's nothing too sinister. I'm thinking of you loads and loads, praying that you feel better soon. Sending lots of love and hugs your way xxxx

  3. i'm thinking of you, sweetie.

    i'm glad you didn't go into public A&E as weird as this sounds. i don't think that spending that time worrying massively and being anxious about encountering the Horrible Psychatrist would've done you any better than just waiting for the GP clinic.

    i'm glad you were able to get an appointment. i'm also glad that this guy didn't seem to be so bad either... i know you have a problem with new people but i'm glad the appointment doesn't seem to be so bad. as strange as this sounds, i feel like your appointment with this guy was a lot better than any appointment with new MHN which says something goddammit (i'm still angry at her for loads of things. seriously.)

    i'm hoping your headache isn't so bad. please try best to take care of yourself and try not to stress yourself out or your body out as much (i know this can be hard but as much as you can and the smallest things could make you feel a bit better).

    i hope you're able to gather your thoughts a bit more. i love you so much. you really are a dream to me. i would legitimately do anything to make you feel a little better.

    you are so kind and so treasured in my eyes. i just want you to know i have never met anyone like you and i probably never will since you are so one of a kind. i hope that somehow, things get easier and you're able to breathe a bit more so in the future. somehow, i see things getting better for you. maybe not now. probably gradually so until one day, it catches us both by surprise and only noticed upon reflection.

    i want to tell you that i don't think you are just a bundle of diagnoses or just a random girl that is on the internet. i really think that your good qualities shine through in ways i can't even tell. you are just so different (in the best way possible) that i can't help but adore you.

    i just wanted to let you know this. :)

    i love you a lot and i hope that there isn't anything that i have said that has offended you or made you feel bad. the last thing you need is more stressers (!) in your life. you need all the support you can get and more than that. <3

    cheers, love.

    -Sam Lupin

  4. Oh hon please be careful. I'm so sorry that happened to you and I hope you feel better soon.

  5. Oh Bella dear that sounded terrifying to go though...
    Huh, is your blood pressure really low? But I hope everything gets better - your blood pressure, oxygen levels and just health in general.
    Don't apologize for typos, we all have them. And take your time on blogging and emails and such because your health comes first.
    I missed you so much Bella darling x take care sweetie.


  6. Hey girl, I disappeared for a while but back on Blogger now. That sounds like a traumatic morning :( Take care of yourself, lots of love and hope you're okay <3

  7. Nine appointments in such a short span of time....I can't imagine! So much to deal with, and the lump itself on top of all that! I hope the pain is manageable and they get the cause sorted soon. Please take care.


  8. I think everything went well, considering! No public A&E, a seemingly good appointment with a nice GP, unlikely that it was a seizure. That said, I hope you're not in too much pain or anything now.

    Lots of love and hugs <3 xxx

  9. Yikes, how brutal! Both the accident and the nine appointments; I don't know what's worse really :/

  10. I hope your head feels better soon sweetie xoxo