This morning would be the perfect example. When we got there, mum, who usually comes into appointments with me, announced at her office door that she was going to sit outside because she 'doesn't contribute', and went back to the waiting room.
I got in and broke down on the dietician.
"She didn't say anything before?"
"How do you feel about that?"
"Pretty hurt. We were just talking about it yesterday, and I said I only still needed her in appointments so I have someone to talk to afterwards, because I can't remember what we've talked about, but if I can't talk to her after appointments, she might as well not be there. So her not coming in, is her saying 'you're not going to have anyone to talk to after this'."
It's kinda of a long story, but basically, last week mum wasn't around to talk to after another bad appointment with the MHN (more on that in a moment), nor has wanted to talk about it since, so it's all been swirling around in my head all week. It erupted yesterday in an all-day breakdown. I told her I needed to talk to her after appointments, and needed her at the appointment so I didn't forget what we'd talked about, but if I couldn't talk to her afterwards, there wasn't any point in her being there. I don't need her in appointments at 22 years of age for support or to rub my back or to 'contribute'.
So what did she take that to mean? That I'd rather not have her there at all.
I told the dietician all this, and rambled to her about the MHN appointment. I'm leaving each appointment feeling worse than I did before. Everything she talks about is so pointless, it isn't even 'getting to know you', it's just painful. I can't even remember half of the crap she talked about. I don't think I said more than one word at a time for the entire appointment.
I just felt, still feel, devastated. I was actually half-optimistic about these appointments at first, because I'd at least have a mental health professional on board again, but now? The depression is so strong, and she's supposed to be the one who can help me, but now I just feel more hopeless. I need actual therapy or even new meds or something, but it just seems so far off it isn't even funny.
She'd also offered to organise for me to catch up with the old MHN to say goodbye properly, or at any time in the future. I just said 'no', but inside everything was bubbling up. She was going to call and organise a catch-up months ago, but never did. She didn't have to say she'd even call, let alone catch up, but she did, and that's what made it hurt even more.
"Maybe that would be a good place to start," suggests the dietician "if she says something that makes you feel upset, or angry, or anything really, just spit it out - 'I feel pissed off', 'That makes me upset'."
Sometimes I really wish she was a therapist, not a dietician,
She also asked if it would be okay to get the MHN's details, and get in contact to suggest that tomorrow we talk about my mum's not-attending appointments, since it's obviously bothering me a lot, and I'm incapable of raising subjects (or talking much at all) with the MHN. I really don't know why opening up is so hard when blogging is so easy.
I umm'ed and ahh'ed, and eventually said okay. It can't be worse than any other appointment.
It wasn't until near the end that we talked food and weight. Right now it's easy to talk to her about everything but, and my replies reduced to nods and shrugs and single words. I told her I haven't had a supplement in weeks, and so she set me that goal of having just one in this next week. Unfortunately, I'd only really have them on days where I really hadn't had enough cals and/or my blood sugars dropped, but now it's hard even then.
She gave me a hug on the way out. To be honest, it's less alone than I've felt all week.
Sigh. I really didn't intend for this post to be so much bitching about my mum. You guys know this is unusual. Unfortunately, it's just been framing my appointments.
On a lighter note, we lit the chiminea last night, which is perfect with winter setting in. We haven't had an open fire in two years (mum 'banned' them when I was diagnosed with COPD and Bronchiolitis Obliterans).