Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Fuck the world, I'm going to Mars

Even though the dietician and I haven't been on the greatest of terms lately, she's been a big support to me the past few weeks.

This morning would be the perfect example. When we got there, mum, who usually comes into appointments with me, announced at her office door that she was going to sit outside because she 'doesn't contribute', and went back to the waiting room.

I got in and broke down on the dietician.
"She didn't say anything before?"
"How do you feel about that?"
"Pretty hurt. We were just talking about it yesterday, and I said I only still needed her in appointments so I have someone to talk to afterwards, because I can't remember what we've talked about, but if I can't talk to her after appointments, she might as well not be there. So her not coming in, is her saying 'you're not going to have anyone to talk to after this'."

It's kinda of a long story, but basically, last week mum wasn't around to talk to after another bad appointment with the MHN (more on that in a moment), nor has wanted to talk about it since, so it's all been swirling around in my head all week. It erupted yesterday in an all-day breakdown. I told her I needed to talk to her after appointments, and needed her at the appointment so I didn't forget what we'd talked about, but if I couldn't talk to her afterwards, there wasn't any point in her being there. I don't need her in appointments at 22 years of age for support or to rub my back or to 'contribute'.

So what did she take that to mean? That I'd rather not have her there at all.

I told the dietician all this, and rambled to her about the MHN appointment. I'm leaving each appointment feeling worse than I did before. Everything she talks about is so pointless, it isn't even 'getting to know you', it's just painful. I can't even remember half of the crap she talked about. I don't think I said more than one word at a time for the entire appointment.

I just felt, still feel, devastated. I was actually half-optimistic about these appointments at first, because I'd at least have a mental health professional on board again, but now? The depression is so strong, and she's supposed to be the one who can help me, but now I just feel more hopeless. I need actual therapy or even new meds or something, but it just seems so far off it isn't even funny.

She'd also offered to organise for me to catch up with the old MHN to say goodbye properly, or at any time in the future. I just said 'no', but inside everything was bubbling up. She was going to call and organise a catch-up months ago, but never did. She didn't have to say she'd even call, let alone catch up, but she did, and that's what made it hurt even more.

"Maybe that would be a good place to start," suggests the dietician "if she says something that makes you feel upset, or angry, or anything really, just spit it out - 'I feel pissed off', 'That makes me upset'."
Sometimes I really wish she was a therapist, not a dietician,

She also asked if it would be okay to get the MHN's details, and get in contact to suggest that tomorrow we talk about my mum's not-attending appointments, since it's obviously bothering me a lot, and I'm incapable of raising subjects (or talking much at all) with the MHN. I really don't know why opening up is so hard when blogging is so easy.
I umm'ed and ahh'ed, and eventually said okay. It can't be worse than any other appointment.

It wasn't until near the end that we talked food and weight. Right now it's easy to talk to her about everything but, and my replies reduced to nods and shrugs and single words. I told her I haven't had a supplement in weeks, and so she set me that goal of having just one in this next week. Unfortunately, I'd only really have them on days where I really hadn't had enough cals and/or my blood sugars dropped, but now it's hard even then.

She gave me a hug on the way out. To be honest, it's less alone than I've felt all week.

Sigh. I really didn't intend for this post to be so much bitching about my mum. You guys know this is unusual. Unfortunately, it's just been framing my appointments.

On a lighter note, we lit the chiminea last night, which is perfect with winter setting in. We haven't had an open fire in two years (mum 'banned' them when I was diagnosed with COPD and Bronchiolitis Obliterans).



  1. If you are going to Mars Bells
    Count me in
    You bring the biscuits
    And I'll bring the tea...... X

    1. I'm in ❤️ I'm sorry things are so hard bells my parents dumped me on my head too they used to go to all my appointments and now they want nothing to do with me :( xoxo

  2. I think someone mentioned this before, but perhaps try writing it out and handing it to the dietician or MHN? You could even consider simply printing out a past blog post, such as this one. You are so eloquent in your blogging. It would be a good springboard for discussion; or, if you're not up to it, you don't have to say a word, and it will give them a good framework of understanding.

  3. <3 I'm sorry your mum was like that. I wish your dietician was a therapist too- she does a pretty good job of it all. At least that's something.

    Love you Bella <3

  4. Even though the last few winters here have been absolutely awful, now that the gross hot humid weather is settling in I'm starting to miss the cold...

    It's weird how writing this stuff is so much easier that saying it out loud. Most of the time when I speak, I'm pretty sure I sound like a blundering fool.

    Even if she's not technically a therapist, if talking to the dietitian helps, then keep talking.

    It sounds like your mum took what you said the wrong way, which maybe hurt her feelings. (my mother does this frequently and throws tantrums on top of that; it's a pain) Have you talked to her about it?

    Hope you're keeping warm by your lovely chiminea. <3

  5. Aaah summer is starting over here, give me winter!

    Even if she's not a therapist as such, if she works for you as one I would grasp at what I could get ^^

    I'm really sorry about your mum, I hope it was just a misunderstanding and it gets worked out... we all need someone to talk to <3

    Take care my dear I hope you are having a lovely day keeping warm.

    By the way, I answered your email (from my uni email address, I had problems with my usual one) but the emails from that account sometimes get sent to spam for some reason or don't send xD If you didn't get it, let me know and I will resend it to you from my usual account that is working now xD

    Love you to bits xx

  6. I'm so sorry you're going through a tough time with your mum, and still not settling in with the newish MHN. I hope things work out in the end with you and your mum, you've both seemed to get on so well, hopefully it's just a blip and you'll be back friends again like before.

    At least you have the dietitian to talk to and to give you a hug. Hugs are so important from the right people!

    That chiminea is so cool! It's so weird that you're going into winter, and here it's coming up to summer.

    Take care my love. You're in my thoughts. Please stay strong my dear, you are precious. Love you to the moon and back xxx

  7. that's not the most promising title.

    oh, honey, i had to read this a few times. my heart is sinking. i'm so sorry. i really am. you really don't need more shit on top of what you already have dear God. i was already cringing but when i read the next part, i swore that i felt like my heart was ripped out of its chest.

    i'm also sorry about how the MHN appointments are starting to sound seriously...awkward. like beyond.

    i'm amazed and astounded at how you can keep your half-optimism even in these situations. i wouldn't been pretty much "screw it" a long time ago and be angry at everything. you're better.

    i also remember that. i'm sorry, honey :( fucking hell.

    i'm sorry things are so difficult. i really want to say something meaningful but i don't really have anything to say right now. but you weren't 'bitching' about your Mum to me. no, 'bitching' about your Mum goes like: i hate her. she ruins my life. i wish she would just die. that's bitching about your Mum. you mentioned something that actually happened that's bothering you - something she did. i'm sorry about it.

    you are so lovely and so sweet. you do not deserve this pain.

    that chiminea is so weird.

    gah you Australians and your cold summers.

    -Sam Lupin

  8. I am so sorry that you feel that your mother isn't supporting you, as if you're not dealing with enough crap as it is :/

    If talking to the MHN is difficult, but blogging is easy, maybe you should write her a letter or bring notes? I usually have to do that, because I get so flustered that I forget what to say and afterwards what have been said.

  9. My psychologist gave me a hug today too which I'm not sure he is 'meant' to do but he is kind and safe and it is the safest I felt all week. I swear the main thing making me try and not get sectioned and lose it totally is so I can come and see you. Please remember I am here for any and all rambles on facebook, i know words dont always come easy but it doesn't need to be structured or 'have a point' you just mean so much to me and i would be lost without you and if i can help in any way then let me because i love you xxxx