Thursday, 11 May 2017


It's been a week of birthdays in the house. First with my 24th on April 30, then my mum's 60th a week later.

We'd planned to go out for dinner for my birthday, and while it's something I enjoy, it doesn't make it any less stressful. Between the act of going out, and the hours it takes me to feel presentable enough to, I started getting anxious, edgy, overwhelmed. I leaned on my PRNs through the day, perhaps a little too heavily.

We went to an Italian place that I've been wanting to try. I was still full from the cake, but wanted to go out because I just enjoy the experience of going out for dinner, even if I couldn't eat much. I indulged in linguini carbonara, since I knew I wouldn't eat much of it.

The big highlight of my birthday was, as those of you on Facebook would've seen, I am now the lucky owner of a NES Mini. I was so disappointed when I couldn't get one, but he managed to track one down. I was so excited when I opened it, and spent the next few days playing it for hours on end.

But between the fear from eating so much and wanting to self-harm, it only made me more determined to go ahead with the laxative overdose that's been building for the past few weeks. Plus, I've mentioned before that the only times I don't drink are if I'm physically ill, in hospital, or smoking. Laxatives would mean I'd have some time off drinking due to being physically ill/in pain, and drop some weight (from not drinking or eating much because I'd be sick, not from the laxatives themselves - we all know it doesn't work that way).

I took them across three days, hoping to prolong the pain and sickness without needing to go to hospital from taking a whole packet, as has happened a few times before. I had 20 one morning, but still drank because the cramps didn't kick in until later in the night. The next morning, I took another 20, but still only felt sick for a few hours in the late night/early morning. Then, I took 60. That worked. I was too sick to drink anything or eat much for the next two, two and a half, days. It wasn't fun, but it got me two days off drinking.

Then, it was mum's birthday on Sunday. I had a fantastic homemade Indian dinner planned. Three mains and five sides, but it ended in disaster.

I coped well with most of the day. My dosa batter failed spectacularly, managing to melt the base of my KitchenAid blender in the process (and I was just blending uncooked, cold, soaked rice!). My grandfather's signature sponge cake collapsed. I managed to cope with hours in the kitchen cooking dinner, only to (accidentally) spill oil all over my hand at the last minute.

I got ready to serve. Everything was ready to be played up, and I'd just finished the pappadums.

I think it's probably because I usually use a different pan of the same size, and the usual one is heavier, but I used the old one because I didn't want mine tainted with oil. I just lifted it up on too high an angle, because it poured from the pan and over the handle to my hand. That's what I get for cooking with oil.

Thankfully I turned off the burners before I moved the pan, otherwise god knows what could've happened.

I screamed and ran to the sink for cold water, and my family came in. I felt so bad for fucking up, I just kept apologizing. My brother is good with first aid from his years of volunteer work, so he helped out, and wrapped the fingers in plastic wrap to protect them. They wanted me to to A&E, but it felt ridiculous, so I said I'd just see a doctor in the morning.

Mum went to buy a bag of ice as I'd used what was in the freezer, and Steve started tasting and picking at the food, and I nibbled on the hard-won pappadums with another glass of wine. I ate dinner with one hand with the burnt hand still in water. I kept my hand in water overnight in a bowl on a table next to the couch.

We had to close Billy out of the kitchen, as he kept licking oil off the floor after it cooled down. Not only was there oil all over the stove top and on the floor in front of it, but it spread as mum and my brother walked through it searching for first aid supplies. Between cleaning the benches/stove/floor, it took mum a full day to clear up the disaster.

I have oil burns all over my thumb, index and middle fingers, thumb web and palm on my left hand, despite leaving it in icy water for 12+ hours after the incident. Once I realized it'd take more than a few days to start healing (or stop blistering, for that matter), I started slowly typing this post on my phone instead of the laptop, since I currently can't type with my left hand.

Being a physical injury, mum actually offered to drive me to see my GP and get it dressed without even having to ask. A blister on my thumb had already burst by the time I got to the appointment at 8:45. They popped the others that had come up, and dressed them tightly. I had to get a tetanus/whooping cough booster, and they warned my grandmother's ruby and diamond ring might have to be cut off if it kept swelling.

More blisters came up through the next few days. It happened on Sunday, and I saw my GP and the nurse on Monday, Wednesday, and I have to go back tomorrow too. Yesterday, my fingers were covered with blisters, and again they were popped and dressed, as well as getting a flu shot.

Next week, my GP is doing another home visit, as I haven't had a proper appointment in two months. I'm dreading having to go for a walk, although it'll still be short. For now, I'm just resting and loading up with painkillers.

And, of course, more birthday picture-spam...

More gratuitous selfies from going out for dinner

I don't get birthday cakes much anymore. I used to make my own, but these past few years, it's been too much, and mum never bakes anymore. So this year, mum bought me a lamington sponge cake (for you non-Aussies: a lamington is sponge cake that's been coated with an extremely thin layer of chocolate icing and sprinkled in coconut). Not my first choice, but it was at least something everyone eats. I had a small piece in the afternoon, and the family devoured the rest over the next day or two. I didn't much care to have more than one slice. I just wanted the gesture.
(And, naturally, there's no eating in this house without two furry supervisors)

The cheesymite scrolls I made for mum's birthday

The oil burns as of yesterday



  1. i saw this post and internally cringed because i know they'd be blister pictures. i hope you're feeling better and i'm hoping your appt. on Friday goes nicely! now, i will actually read the post...

    your birthday's in April? i didn't know! *smirks*

    you sure know how to sway me with food pictures. "The big highlight of my birthday was, as those of you on Facebook would've seen, I am now the lucky owner of a NES Mini." i am on Facebook with you and i do not recall such posts. i do recall that most people on Facebook give me a headache if i scroll down about five posts in. but congrats. <3

    you do not eat much. just saying. that, and realistically and genuinely speaking, you actually need to put on weight. it doesn't feel that way but it's the reality. and i will always remind you for that because i will always vouch recovery no matter what. it might not reassure you much, but i'm hoping it reassures you a little bit, my love.

    aw, love. honestly, i can't blame you. i think that's the thing about it though. with addiction. it's always swapping one thing over the other. it's just hard to break the cycle. my other friend does things that are socially acceptable but still somewhat painful to help ease the need for self-harm, e.g. doing painful stretches, walking outside when it's absolutely freezing. i am not sure if that helps, but thought to mention it just in case one day, it does help.

    you did not fuck up. trust me. you didn't ask for this.

    man, knowing the full story makes it worse. i really hope your hands are feeling better (you didn't put the scary blister pictures, did you? of course you did.) i want to somehow magically kiss and heal your hands. but i have no magical lips.

    i love you. ridiculously.

    - Sam Lupin

  2. Ah oil burns are the worst! Been a while since it's happened to me, but they're not nice at all. Think hot oil continues to cook your skin too, unless you get it off which really isn't a pleasant thought...

    I have had the same with laxatives myself, similarly taking non lethal overdoses purely to spend a couple of nights in hospital because I knew if I wasn't in hospital I'd do far worse things to myself. Sort of like a very messed up damage limitation thing...

    Cheesymite scrolls sound awesome, I really need to stop being a wuss and have a go myself because they sound just like my sort of thing! Also the food does look amazing, get the whole self critical thing too. I made my own cake this year too, and it was more for Richard's benefit really as I've never been too fussed about cake (mainly because I've made so many over my life the novelty isn't there, although I am going through a banana bread obsession at the moment.)

    Glad your birthday went ok!

    And your pets are adorable!

    Good luck with the appointment and walk.


  3. Gosh that's a nasty burn Bells
    I hope it heals well for you
    As they say
    No good deed goes unpunished
    I can't remember if I wished you a happy birthday
    But I will pop something in the post for you as soon as I can
    Am trying to get back blogging

    Take care of yourself xx

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  6. Oh cooking burns...... Can you get Burt's Bees Rescue Ointment over there? I think it must be made of magic or something because it is WONDERFUL on burns.

    That lamington cake sounds amazing.

  7. Jesus H Christ, that doesn't look good. Burts Bees, as Mich suggested, or aloe vera perhaps?

  8. OH that looks so painful Bella! I hope it's healing OK. I'm sorry I missed your birthday - things have been crazy - but happy belated birthday! I love you!