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On Friday, at the insistence of my GP, I'll be going to meet a new psychologist. I've told her time and time again that I don't want to see anybody. After cycling through so many different mental health professionals for over half of my life, I don't believe they can help me, and at this point, I just don't want to talk anymore. No one's ever managed to improve my mental health at all. It's just been a steady decline over the years.

As much as I don't want to, I'm not being given much of a choice. My GP can't continue to see me without psychological support, which is fair enough. Just like when I started seeing my dietician, I had to find a GP to cover the medical side of things.

But at this point, I just don't want to talk.

I've had a hard time trying to work myself up to posting about the past few weeks. Even things as usual as my appointments, I haven't been able to find words for. There have been some rough times, and at the moment, all I do is medicate, drink, exercise, and sleep.

When I saw my GP a couple of weeks ago, she told me she'd be making an appointment with this new psychologist and would text me the details. She's forewarned me about it for the last couple of appointments, so I knew it was coming. She'll walk me there and be present for the first few appointments. It's just a few blocks down the street, about halfway between my house and my GP and dietician's offices.

It was our third or fourth appointment where she's walked me to and from for appointments with herself and my dietician. Usually we weave through the back lanes to avoid the busyness of the main streets. This time, she took me along the main streets, which was loud and stressful. On the way back, she agreed to go back to using the lanes.

She asked me which would be less stressful if I was walking alone, but I still don't know. The solitude of the lanes makes it easier, but by the same token, makes me anxious because I worry I would be an easy target and no one would be able to see if something happened.

As always, it was really good to see the dietician. I miss our weekly appointments so much, as I now only see her every month or so due to the transport issue.

At the moment, her focus is to try to reduce the calories I drink in alcohol and replace them with food, so I'll be getting actual nutrients. But if I cut back on drinking, I'll take the weight loss over more food any day. I've had four or five days off drinking in the last two weeks, and without alcohol, my intakes were between 400-700.

She also wants me to try to at least have one supplement each day. Whenever I consider it, my first thought is always "I could have this, or five vodkas". I did try for about a week and a half. Some days I was even having two. On sober days, it was tolerable, but when I eat, drink, and have a supplement, it freaks me out. After my weight started creeping up, I cut them back this week, and have only been having them every other day (which is still a lot). 

I spoke with both her and my GP about how to cut back on the drinking. To my credit, I am now having a day or two off each week, and try to keep my drinks around 6-8, instead of struggling to stay under 10. All that really helps is medicating excessively or smoking (and it's been a few months since I last smoked). Both agreed that neither is an ideal replacement. But basically all of my sober days in recent weeks have been because I've knocked myself out with extra meds around the time I would usually start drinking.

For now, I'm just going to try to relax and ignore the fact that in 48 hours I'm going to be sitting down with yet another stranger. I didn't drink yesterday, so tonight I'm going to have my Halloween movie marathon, then try not to drink tomorrow to make sure I'm not hungover for the psych appointment. This time, I think I'm going to ask my GP to give me a copy of the mysterious letters she always hands to new psychs (one of which is from my first psychiatrist at age 12 who I never really talked with, and I'm really curious to see what he said that was so very important).

Wish me luck.


xxBella