Friday, 6 October 2017

This House is Haunted. Not by Ghosts, but Memories.

Two weeks ago, I spent the first night in my bedroom for years.

It mightn't sound like much, but it's a big step for me. After an abusive relationship as a teenager, I stopped sleeping in there. I would spend my nights on the couch, viewing my bedroom as little more than a crime scene. Despite getting a new bed and replacing furniture shortly after, it doesn't change the room and the memories the walls contain.

I did sleep in there for a while, when my ex moved in. But when we broke up, it didn't take long for me to land back on the couch.

It's been difficult. The first night had me so on edge, I drank 500ml of vodka, plus a few glasses of wine. I still have to have had a few drinks, and/or a few extra oxazepam, to be in there, and I have to keep myself distracted. There is constantly something playing on the TV, and I try to forget where I am.

As hard as it is, it's nice to have somewhere to hide away again. If I can isolate and get away, maybe the threats to kick me out will lessen. One of the conditions of being allowed to come home after my last hospital trip was that I stop sleeping on the couch. If I can spend more time in there, you wouldn't even know I'm here.

It took a few weeks to try to get everything organised. On days I had the energy, I'd spend a few hours a day shuffling furniture, cleaning from ceiling to floor, moving boxes to and from the study, unpacking and sorting, organising my clothes, putting up hooks for belts and bags and coats, and just trying to find places for everything. I even got a new cheap table to give me more display space.

It still hasn't changed the room or the memories, but in a way, it's helped.

Misty is loving it. She stays at the foot of the bed all day. Billy is getting older, and can't jump up on the bed any more, or even jump down, but he will wake me up to get a hand.

One bonus is that, being able to isolate myself, it makes it easier to avoid dinner. Even though I cook my own safe dinners 99% of the time, and rarely join in on family meals, I can just forget about routine and meal times, just like when I'm home alone.

I have also been working on the study, mostly just stacking boxes until I can get the storage furniture I need, but hopefully my little sewing room will be completed in not too long.

I've also been trying to get some actual sewing done, although it's difficult with my machines currently inaccessible. I've been working on repairing a couple of corsets – one that I wore daily for a long time, and the last one I made before I took a long hiatus some 7 years ago but didn't get the chance to wear much before I misplaced it for a long time. It's all by hand – replacing grommets and the bias binding – just fixing things that I could've done better. But it's something.

Just a short update for today. For now, here are a few photos from around my room.



  1. It's not the room that's haunted, it's you. We haunt ourselves, but we can overcome these ghosts. It sounds like you've taken a huge step in doing that.

    It HAS changed the room. Nothing can take the memories away, but you have reclaimed the room. Before it belonged to your ghosts, but now you are making it YOURS again. Yours and yours alone, empty of old ghosts and ready to make some happier memories.

    I like your decorating style. And HOLY CRAP that one cabinet is freaking gorgeous!!

  2. hello, my love. i love you so much. <3

    "It mightn't sound like much, but it's a big step for me." i think anyone here on this blog would know that this is a HUGE deal. not just a big one, this is a colossal one and i am so ecstatic to know.

    i am so so proud of you. you are wonderful, wonderful, wonderrrrful. full of wonder. and mystique.

    hey, honey, it's gonna be hard but i find the hardest things in life are worth it. i agree with Mich on that, and i love the way that she worded it too. you took a huge step, and i think that over some time, it's going to be easier to be there in your room. because it is your room. not your ghosts' room or a bunch of memories. it's there for you to make it what you want to make it, because you deserve that little space that is completely yours. i'm hoping that little Misty and Belly are making it more bearable to be there for now and i hope that it gets easier as time goes on.

    honestly, i know this is probably awful of me, but i'm glad that you are hiding out there. honestly, your house is such a toxic environment that i think that the less interaction you have with the people around it, the better it is. i really do.

    i hope this could feel more like your room, more like your own little safe space eventually. everyone deserves to feel like they have a room that is just theirs, their little old comfort zone.

    my God, typical goth room like you said. i think i lost it at the black roses. BELLA. roses are not black!

    comment replies for the last two posts:

    "The choc mint Aero mousse used to be amazing.

    These days I tend to stick to Nestle Soleil mousse. 68 calories a tub. Fabulous."

    oh my God, i think i might just hate you. i told Mich that the only way you usually get mousses here is if you're in a fancy place and randomly see it on the menu because most fancy places here don't make mousse. the last mousse i had was not a mousse, more of a chocolate pudding marketed as a "mousse." God, i might have to make my own at home. or some packaged mousses better come here because i absolutely adore them. the closest packaged thing i have to a mousse is chocolate whipped cream, and that is nowhere near as heavenly.

    "For me, the only way to eat croissants is toasted in the oven with ham and lots of gooey melted cheese. Oh my."

    you're doing it right. even though i don't eat ham, that sounds fabulous. i think any combination using cheese + croissant is fantastic. Starbucks has this huge croissant with turkey and cheese and you can ask them to toast it. i've never had it. i mean, when there's cake and biscuits, how could i go for a croissant? it's a sacrilegious sin.

    i love you so SO much.

    - Sam Lupin

  3. A room of one's own... It is necessary, and I hope the ghosts won't come back.

  4. You're very brave to be sleeping in your bedroom again <3 as it sounds I think it's doing you some good?
    Please take care with your eating!
    And good luck with the sewing, replacing grommets are hell haha. Do you have a puncher? (I've always wanted one but they're expensive so I do it by hand)
    Your room looks absolutely splendid! Very reminiscent of your style :)

    Hope you're doing good xo