Sunday, 26 March 2017

Difficult Decisions

My baby boy Billy has had a rough go of it this week. One morning, I woke up and his mouth had been bleeding. He's always had trouble with his teeth (and his ears... and his back). The conversation started about that it might be time to think about making a difficult decision. Yes, he's now 14, and after so many surgeries over the course of his life, we don't have that kind of money just sitting around any more.

I froze. My heart jumped into my throat as my stomach sank. I wanted to drink. I wanted to smoke. I wanted to cut and hit my head and overdose. I wanted to do anything to block out this pain. I can't bear the thought of losing him.

Ever since we lost Silky, just over four years ago, I realised for the first time that they wouldn't be here forever. I'd never considered that they wouldn't always be by my side. I've been petrified of losing Billy too. For four years now, I've said I could never get another dog as the pain of losing them is too much to bear. I've always said that it would be the end for me. That I really couldn't go on without him.

That night, he lost a lot of blood. Mum asked if I'd made a decision, and I just lost it. I sat on the floor and started bawling that I can't do this, I don't know what to do, I don't know what I should do. It felt like my heart was breaking. I spent the first few days in tears.

We took him to the vet. Due to my agoraphobia, I usually hold him for the car ride, and stay in the car while mum takes him in. This time, I actually went in for the first time in years.

We got a quote on the surgery, and depending on how many teeth need to be removed, it's going to cost somewhere between $1,400 and $2,000. He doesn't like his mouth being looked at, but it looks like he'll need all of them removed (what's left after the previous surgeries, anyway). I just hope he'll be okay without them. His teeth are diseased, and if they're not removed, it'll go into his jaw bone, which would eventually lead to a fracture.

I managed to find one company that would approve me for a loan while a) on a pension, and b) without going into an office in person. It's going to take a long time to pay off, and the interest rate is ridiculous, but it's worth it. I can't imagine life without him. Besides, after spending tens of thousands on various surgeries and medical issues over the years, I can't just give up. I will do anything I can to keep my baby boy safe.

He's been doing a bit better the past couple of days. His mouth only bled for the first two or so days. But for the first few days, it looked like we were going to have to say goodbye. I fell into mourning even though he was still right here beside me, and it's a hard feeling to shake. He's not a young pup any more. I guess it just reminds you of how fragile life it, and how quickly everything can change.

Tomorrow my GP's coming around for my first home visit appointment. She also wants to try getting me out for a short walk, which scares the shit out of me. I haven't even been able to walk around the block for years, despite wanting to. I know the goal is to be able to make the 5-minute walk solo to get to appointments, but even the first steps are terrifying.

On top of getting out to take Bill to the vet and tomorrow's walk, last weekend we went out for a family dinner for my brother's birthday at his favourite local Indian place. We haven't all been out for dinner since he and his girlfriend broke up a year ago, when we'd all go out together. I haven't had any reason to go out for dinner since then either, so it was nice for a change.

Samosas, Chicken Pakora, and Aloo Tikki for starters

Can you tell my brother loves naan bread?



  1. Losing a dog is heartbreaking. I am glad the Billy can have his teeth removed and I hope that makes him all totally better. I remember having a previous dog of mine and his mouth bled as well, ended up with all of his teeth out and was happy as can be.
    Out for dinner, into the vets....those are big deals, well done.
    Big hugs!

  2. It's criminal what the vets charge.

    I wish our pets could live as long as we do. It's nor fair. I hope Billy is ok.

  3. Can the vet let you pay it off directly to them? I seem to recall I was i in a position like that once and they invoiced me and I told them I could only pay in fortnightly installments
    They were ok with it. That might save interest. If you have a "relationship" or i should say history with the same vet of being a good customer they should agree to it.

    You can't be the only one without bags of cash laying around. ... but those loans can be ok too. I have had a loan from a company like that. In fact it was for something far less important than the dog and it worked out ok.

    You know I don't replace pets I have lost simply because vet bills are just way too much and I'm not going to let someone die because I can't afford the bills. I cringe when I see young people buying potentially problematic pets because I know how things end up...because you love them you have to pay and it's very difficult for the average person to afford. I had a young dog with a tumour completely out of the blue so even a young pet isn't immune to this stuff.

    I feel for you Bella, I Do. I'm sure your dear doggy is very grateful as well. X

  4. I hope your pup is okay, dear. I'm back on Blogger after lots of time off... thought I would reach out.

    I've just started walking as exercise/a mood-booster because the gym = far too much anxiety recently. I always feel awful trying to get myself out of the house, but once I'm out, I can just kind of go into my own zone a bit with headphones and a fun audiobook. That might help, listening to something you like?

    All my love, be well and take care of yourself <3 <3 <3

  5. Hey Bella, I lost my boy after 13 years and it was heartwrenching. I am glad you have your boy still and hope he is doing better. It's now Cali I worry about. She is my world and I would be devasted to lose her. I love her to bits. She's my girl, so I totally get it. Hope you are doing okay :) Sarah

  6. I hope Billy gets better :( and hope the walk goes well. Take care lovely xo