Thursday, 27 December 2012

"You've gone down 0.3kg"

I don't believe it either.

I was certain I'd have gained weight. Even though I know, logically, that I didn't eat enough to gain, it still feels like I should have.

I keep going over and over in my head what I ate on Christmas Day. It feels like I'm missing something, though I've never 'missed' something. Surely, I must've eaten more.
Half a savoury muffin, a mini croissant, two small pancakes (one with jam, one with syrup).
A single Ferrero Rocher in the afternoon.
1/4 chicken breast with no skin, two baby potatoes and half a carrot - all roasted in oil and covered in gravy, mind you.

I ate unsafe foods on four days last week, and couldn't be 100% accurate with my calories as I normally am.  For accuracy, I would've had to prepare my own food separately, which was against the point. But even still, I certainly didn't eat over 1,500 on any given day.

It was a very long morning waiting for my appointment. I still only slept 3 hours last night. I'm considering taking my temazepam, but they make me hallucinate so I avoid them.
I didn't eat before my appointment, though I did allow myself 4 cups of coffee instead of just one.

She asked me if I had my OBs done on Sunday, and I told her I still hadn't. I only have two weeks left on my mirtazapine script though, so I need to get a wriggle on to seeing a GP. It'll either be this Sunday, or the 6th of January. Either way, I'm fucked.
What does it change, anyway, if I get my OBs done? It'll just make people panic even more, and I still won't care.

Things are falling apart. I can't wait for the New Year. Mum wanted me to wait until after the busy season before I started looking more seriously into getting my own place, and it's just around the corner now.

My weight's been slowly going down for over two months now, and the last time I gained was a week in September. I don't want to lose a lot or quickly, I just want to know that I'm constantly wasting away.



  1. Quite an accomplishment to lose weight over Christmas! Ad while I am pleased for you, I'm also worried as you are already such a tiny tiny little starshine, in my eyes, I know you won't believe me and that's okay, I accept that. It's funny, I have the same gut feeling about sticking around for 2014. I've had enough, well and truly, I'm making 2013 the year of weightless tehe, and now it's my only focus I can do my best at it. I wonder how quickly I could lose? I'm always so impatient. Also, I thought I'd done awful this year, but at least I got my BMI to underweight, it's a start, right!? I can get back to where I was and lower, can't I, oh I hope so!!!!!! Love you, sorry for the insecure ramblings!!! Xxxx

    1. It's tomorrow :) I hope she turns up, I can't imagine she won't, eik. I'm glad the students aren't here so it'll be less overwhelming. I have Clare in the morning at 10 then my gp at 1. I'm scared about both a bit, more Clare than my gp. My gp is so kind, but it frightens me that they all can section me so I get anxious. They wouldn't right now tho, so that's good (or bad, because I shouldn't be here, it's so confusing isn't it!!!) ill blog about it tomorrow for you :) love you moreeee Bella booooo xxxx