I think I've figured out what's going on, if not why.
I've known it's not just anxiety or depression. I'm not going through a particularly rough time in terms of Anorexia thoughts, and it's not PTSD either. It's been something entirely new and scary.
I think I'm having a hypomania episode, which I don't think has happened before. I think it's what I've meant when I keep saying I'm losing my mind. I don't know what else it could be.
I'm not euphoric or having delusions of grandeur (I wish), and I'm not psychotic either. I'm somewhere in the middle: irritable & anxious, but it's more than just anxiety.
My thoughts are racing, in a million different directions and I can't seem to focus. I'm edgy, and I keep snapping at mum or breaking down in tears. I keep rambling on and on, it's like word vomit. I can't sleep more than 3 hours a night. I noticed the other day that I keep shaking or tapping my foot, which I've never done before. I can't explain it, but I do not feel like me at all. Something's just not right.
This is the best way to explain how I feel: I feel manic. I still don't know why. There was no trigger, it came entirely out of the blue. Its been nearly two weeks. Mum is very worried, she wants me to get help with it. I've struggled with mental illness my entire life, but I've never had a manic episode (except for drug-induced psychosis, which this is most definitely not). It's entirely new, and it's very scary. I
I don't think I'll be posting for a day or two. I simply am not in the mind to. I'm hoping it'll just pass soon, but I do not feel like myself right now at all.
I love you so much too, we are both a bit of a state at the moment, aren't we!! You are so so sweet and you mean so much to me and it breaks my heart too that you are soooo sad. I love you. I managed to do a doodle, but nothing else, and it's very odd, I posted it just now. I think I'll glue glitter onto her eyes to make it more surreal.
ReplyDeleteUgh. Going to go on a long walk and lose myself somewhere.
I have one appointment a week for two more weeks :-/ then my gp and my nurse are back. So back to three then. Deary me I still miss Jacki tho, it's been harder without her, I don't know if its been noticeable tho.
Love xxxxx
I love your messages so please don't worry about sending me as many as you like, want or need :) I hope your day gets better too, miss starshine xxxx
DeleteI just drafted this so I think I might send it before I get a chance to change my mind, what do you think, does it sound pathetic?! I know it's ramble, but that's my style so she's used to that tehe:
DeleteHi Clare,
I got the DBT letter, to start on the 15th of January.
I'm not sure if this is going to sound ridiculous but anyway: it's making me feel upset and frustrated.
Because the more tangible some treatment option gets, the more I want to flee in the opposite direction.
And the more I realise that I really don't want to change how I eat, and I don't care that I hurt myself.
Which is making me question what the point in doing any treatment at all is.
Which is making me wonder what I should be doing and whether I should be doing anything at all anymore.
Because I really don't care.
I know that might sound odd, because I know I'm miserable, but I'd rather be miserable and die sooner than have to live for years and years.
And I know you might say that you'd understand that if it meant living like I am now, but that the aim is to change that to something better, or something along those lines....
But I don't want to, I just don't want to be here at all. So I'd rather just carry on hurting myself.
And I'm finally getting somewhere with losing weight and everything after months and months of not, and I don't want to lose that.
So I don't know what the point is.
And I know I've said most of is before but I really do mean it and the closer I get to trying to start something that might take it away from me, the more on edge I'm getting about it all.
And I'm really confused about the whole thing, because I spent months and months crying that maybe nothing would be offered because surely everyone is fed up of me by now, but now that I am offered something a year later I don't want it, and I end up crying that it is offered because I just want to carry on slowly destroying myself without anything getting in the way.
So I don't know what to do.
You once said that it was as if I wanted the support of the service while still carrying on my destructive habits.
I guess that is exactly what I want, but I know that isn't realistic. So I don't know what to do.
I'm not sure if things have just gotten worse over the last year and that's why my attitude has changed or something, but I've definitely noticed that over the last year I've definitely stopped caring about pretty much everything, and I have no drive to do anything, and I don't want a future or to get better, I just wish I'd stop hanging on somehow, so I really don't know where to go from here.
Amanda
Thanks Bella, I sent it now quickly before I could delete it!! I also messages my nurse on Facebook but it was vague because I wasn't sure whether I should or not, so I just asked her if I could message her about something in a message lol...!!! If you see my friends on Facebook, and search Jane, that's her. She's epic. And wonderfully kind, just like you are :) xxxx
DeleteHi Bella,
ReplyDeletePlease tell your mum what is going on and ask her to take you to see your GP as soon as possible. The sort of "mixed" hypomanic episode which you seem to be describing can be very dangerous, if that's what it is, or there could be something else going on such as an infection or a condition brought about by malnutrition or dehydration. If this is hypomania you may need to come off your anti-depressant or at the very least combine it with a mood stabilizer.
Please see your GP.
Sam
i think what you are describing is hypomania the state where ur not fully manic its the stage before.
ReplyDeleteyou do describe it.
especially if youve experienced a period of depression before this hypomania
hope you keep safe and if u feel u are too manic and not safe i think u should seek help
hope ur ok
have a good new years
xx
Sometimes the not sleeping itself can trigger hypomanic symptoms (in other words it might not be a full blown disorder popping up).
ReplyDeleteI'd ask for zoplicone for sleep. It doesn't make you as groggy the next day like other sleep meds, and it doesn't mess with your REM. Do NOT take any SSRIs (unless they are already prescribed). Those can trigger full mania. Sometimes they'll try it just to see what happens.
If the zoplicone doesn't work be all means try anticonvulsants, I just don't want to see you put on serious meds if you don't really need it.
I hope you feel better. Sometimes it helps just to get all the blabber running around in your head out there and not worry about trying to make sense of it. My bf is schizoaffective and he'll play his bass for hours making up silly nonsense lyrics til he feels better.
I don't know if that helps at all.
Good luck deary.
xx
Lilu
I hope you feel better
Hun I hope you feel better soon. I really would consider going to the doctor. I get like your describing when I haven't slept, it brings on a episode. Good Luck and hope to see you post soon but I understand why you need a break :) Lots of Love xx
ReplyDeleteThis really worries me, I hope you will get some help over this? Please? ♥ xx
ReplyDelete