Monday, 24 December 2012

I'm mashing my 'self-destruct' button as fast as I can.
I'm being pushed over the edge with Christmas. There's a reason I haven't eaten at Christmas before, and nor will I be doing it again. It's just all way too much. I'm complete wreck.
I'm sorry I keep disappearing for a few days here and there. I just can't bring myself to write most days. I'm falling apart.

I've drunk the last two nights, after 8 months of not.
Don't wanna talk about it. Won't be drinking again for another 8 months.

And now I've got to prepare everything for tomorrow. Fuck.
On Wednesday I'm not eating more than 500, and it will just keep going lower . I've done too much damage already with alcohol.

I'm a mess right now.
I need Christmas to be over, like I need fucking air in my lungs.

I'm sorry this is such an unstructured post. I've fallen off the edge.


  1. Aww sweetheart I really understand. Need new year and restriction and quiet and no social gatherings. Love u Bella, it is almost over, give boo a hug and think of afterwards and calm xxxxx

    1. Don't worry your little self about the parcel, I'll look forward to it but there is no rush at all :-) I'm so sorry. That you are snapping/ have snapped. This time of the year is so so so hard. I'm not even with people and I'm snapping so I wish I could give you and boo a big hug to hold you together. 500kcals together then :-) I can't wait for New Year's Day, I need to snap out of my attitude, and I can always keep my New Years resolutions. In 2011 I gave up chocolate and haven't eaten it since, or even used coco butter lol, then is year I carried on 2011's resolution and also decided to keep an accurate intake diary (usually if I binge, I just write binge, but this year I've written the true horror that that means kcal wise and its helped actually not to be in denial.) next year I'm never eating over 1400kcals, which is a lot but allows for bad days without feeling like a failure and binging, as well as keeping my 2011 and 2012 resolution. Weight loss here I come... If I could just skip this Christmas crap first! Xxxxx

  2. Sweetie, your going to be okay. Christmas will soon be over :) xx