Tuesday, 18 December 2012

I nearly didn't make it to my appointment today. In fact, I'd gone back to bed in a flurry of tears. After some nudging from mum, I ended up going to the appointment 5 minutes late. My dietician said she was wondering why I wasn't there yet (usually we're there before here), and that she'd be very worried if I didn't show up one week.
Understandable, after having seen her for six months now, first appointment every Tuesday without fail.

My mood's been plummeting at a rapid rate this past week. I just don't see the point in even talking any more, so I guess I haven't been online as much. The last three days have been spent sobbing non-stop. I really don't want to talk about why.

I told her my intake had gone down to 600 - still the same amount of carbs, but practically non-existent protein and fats. After a lecture on the dangers on inadequate protein intake, we went down the hall to the scales. My weight had dropped - hallelujah.

So I made it through the week without a hypoglycemic fit, just. On Sunday, I got very dizzy, lost my vision and started shaking. I made it to a chair just in time. I don't think mum noticed, and I of course said nothing.
Yesterday was very hard. I ate my usual breakfast at 8am, and sat in bed crying my eyes out for the next 12 hours. By which point I had racked up quite the carb-debt from skipping so much. I just couldn't eat enough to get it in. I had a bowl of rice for some dense carbs, and went to bed barely making 400 calories for the day.

I'm trying to put my intake back up to around 7-800, and my dietician really wants me to as well, but I don't know how it'll go. I don't want more.
I just need to fade away.



  1. Awwwwwwww starshine it breaks my heart that you are this unhappy. What does that make your BMI now or would you rather not say? I wish I could make things better, you mean a lot to me and I wish I could help you more xxxxx

    1. I'm not 100% sure, but I guess I'm somewhere around 13.0-13.5. I was around 13.7 when I started seeing my dietician and I'm lower than I started.

      Love you miss, hope you're okay. Sorry I'm taking so long to get your letter written xxxx

    2. you totally dont have to apologise about the letter at all. post would be slow this time of year now anyway and your comments are wonderful so please dont worry. how did the dietician respond to u being lower than at the start? i really hope ur ok i imagine ur struggling a lot as well xxxx

    3. p.s yea no change in social situation, just pics from 5 years ago! xxx

    4. oh i seeeeeeeeee. no tehe, literally just made it public for jane my nurse to find me so she didnt panic i would die over the holidays lol and so she cld introduce me to her dogs. but i had one friend from uni on and so tons of ppl noticed i was back. when nurse adds me ill go ninja on everyone bar special people again ;-) xxx

  2. Dear Bella, I worry for you so much
    I don't know what else to say
    I wish I could do more to help
    Please stay as safe as you can
    Don't hesitate to contact me if you need to

    Love you x

  3. Bella, I hope you get better soon. I know its a long journey but at least you made your appointment - that you should be proud of. If you want to talk, send me a message :) Lots of love, Lucie xx

  4. Oh honey <3 We're here if you decided you want to talk about it. I wish there was something we could all do for you; you seem so fragile in every sense of the word- I really worry about you xx

  5. Hey Bella, I'm sorry you've been so uspet, I have times like that too, where all I want to do is cry. I hope you feel better soon. I'm glad you made your appointment and I hope you can get up to 7-800 when you are ready. I just want you to be ok, take care hun <3
    Alice xx