Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Dear World: go away.

I've spent the past week avoiding everything. Hiding in my room, taking constant naps, curtains shut. Pathetic. I haven't cooked a proper meal in a week. Sigh.

So it's Tuesday. I've lost more weight this week, though I still don't know how much. Enough for it to be certain weight loss and a concern, apparently. "Hospital is looming" she says, if I keep losing weight. My dietican, mum and I all share the goal of keeping me out of hospital. However, they want to avoid the need to go to hospital. I just want to avoid it, regardless of need. If that means running and dying alone, so be it.

After she weighed me and we got back to her office, she looked at me and said "What do you think I'm going to say?", whereas normally she'd tell me if my weight's gone up or down. I spent most of the appointment in tears, still keeping my head down except for when she asks to see my eyes. I've always been horrible with eye contact. Of course since I've been hibernating, I didn't get my OBs done this week (cancelled Saturday's appointment). I feel so horrible every time I have to tell her that I still haven't seen a doctor.

There was lots of talk about hospital. She said if my weight keeps dropping, I'm gonna end up there again, and they're going to make me gain weight. Like I said, I'm avoiding hospital at all costs. I would rather die than have to face any of that again. I'm still exploring my options for moving out, and I really need to get onto it soon. The appointments tend to blur. There was lots of talk about OBs, doctors, hospital, weight. At one point she said "...unless mum takes you into Emergency to get OBs..." I sprung out of my chair and walked to the car in tears. My last GP gave me an ultimatum of "I'm calling an ambulance, unless your mum takes you straight to Emergency." I will not be cornered like that again. So I run.

Mum (who stays to wrap-up after I panic) told me that she still wants me to come back next week, even if I haven't had my OBs done. I just feel like a huge disappointment, I'm such a waste of her time. I told her that I feel like I need to lose weight, that my friend keeps calling me healthy, that I can't stop it. I'm just in a different place to where I've been the last 6 months. Que sera sera.

On an upside, I'm noticing physical differences from the weight loss already. My leggings are looser, and I have a new concave forming on my side/back that I haven't noticed before My fingers now overlap when wrapped around the very top of my thigh, so I guess that's something. And my shoulders feel less 'flabby' which is lovely. I think I'm noticing things like this quicker at a lower weight, maybe because there's less to get rid of.

Sorry I haven't been commenting all week, but I've still been reading everyone's posts. I'll get back on track with commenting tomorrow when I have a little more energy.


Side - taken this morning
\Stopping running has been so worth it for
slimming down that muscle!


  1. Bella, I nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award, check out my last post for the rules

    Hang in there lovely, I just want you to be well x

  2. Bella boo, my little bella boo,
    I love you soo much. I really do, I'm not just saying it. I really wish I could make it all better, or magic myself over there. What is it with them asking us to look up "look at me" is something I hear all the time with Clare, when I notice I've been looking at the floor not saying a word all appointment.
    More ensure to keep out of hospital? I don't think your mum is going to let you move out little one, I know how much you want the pain and sadness to end, I really get it, I mean not in the same way maybe I don't want to compare us too much I feel like you are suffering far more than I, but I do understand that deep sadness and wanting to not exist. But I love you and I would love you to exist, I know that is selfish. I'm not saying it isn't. Jacki once said to me, "I would never want to keep you here and make you suffer this much if I didn't for one second believe it could be different for you, that you could be happy". I know that might seem impossible. I know it might seem far away and in another land and universe entirely, but it is possible, somewhere, sometime, I'm just afraid you won't make it through the darkness to see it. I'm doubting I will either. I swear if I lived there I would take you and we could watch films in blankets all day, I wouldn't care if you made eye contact or sat in silence.

    Sorry this is becoming a ramble.
    I just hope you'll be okay.
    You've got through so much and I know the weight of the world is crushing you right now, but there are caves, pockets of glimmer, find them, hide from the crushing weight, hibernate if need be, maybe with ensure to keep you safe, watch Brave, I loved it last night, dream.

    Does your mum know you blog/check your mail? I would send you a little package to make you smile or drawings if it were possible? But I understand totally if not, if giving me your postal addie makes you anxious or isn't possible, I won't be offended and I won't hate you for it in the slightest. But if it is possible, facebook message me it? Or facebook message me a safer email that I could contact for it if that were easier.

    Hang on in there, I love you so much, you tiny tiny tiny little bella boo star. (Maybe tell your mum to have words with your friends, they cannot believe you look healthy, they don't know what to say, maybe if they knew how it was hurting you, they would stop making the comments that are helping to crush your beautiful little soul)


  3. i hope so much that you can stay out of hospital!!
    i hope that you can find light in the darkness and create happiness for yourself :)
    you are gorgeous, much love <3


  4. Bella, I hope you can go get those tests done... (rationally) you know they are trying to help you, even though the seems impossible to process. Even if you feel like you can't do it for yourself, maybe you can manage to get your OBs for your mum? I don't want you to end up in the hospital either, but it's looking inevitable. Please try to take care of yourself just a little bit...

  5. Hey. I've just nominated you for a Liebster Blog Award. Check my blog for details.
    I hope you're okay, take care.

  6. im with you, tea and liquid makes the bloating worse. and no :-( i cant digest anything at all and i still feel sick :-\ love you bella boo xxx

  7. Bellaaa! I'm so sorry, I haven't been commenting as much as I wanted to!
    I want you to know that I love you, and it's not because I don't comment that I don't think about you !

    Waw the difference between your legs here and the previous pictures of when you used to run is amazing. They are so thinny now! You look wonderful.
    I was wondering. Now that you don't run anymore, have you replaced it by any other physical activity ?

    Also I nominated you for a Liebster Blog Award (just a few funny questions that we have to create about one another), that would mean so much to me if you could check it on my blog !

    Love <3

  8. hey you, how have the last 5 days been little starshine? xxx