Dear World: go away.

I've spent the past week avoiding everything. Hiding in my room, taking constant naps, curtains shut. Pathetic. I haven't cooked a proper meal in a week. Sigh.

So it's Tuesday. I've lost more weight this week, though I still don't know how much. Enough for it to be certain weight loss and a concern, apparently. "Hospital is looming" she says, if I keep losing weight. My dietican, mum and I all share the goal of keeping me out of hospital. However, they want to avoid the need to go to hospital. I just want to avoid it, regardless of need. If that means running and dying alone, so be it.

After she weighed me and we got back to her office, she looked at me and said "What do you think I'm going to say?", whereas normally she'd tell me if my weight's gone up or down. I spent most of the appointment in tears, still keeping my head down except for when she asks to see my eyes. I've always been horrible with eye contact. Of course since I've been hibernating, I didn't get my OBs done this week (cancelled Saturday's appointment). I feel so horrible every time I have to tell her that I still haven't seen a doctor.

There was lots of talk about hospital. She said if my weight keeps dropping, I'm gonna end up there again, and they're going to make me gain weight. Like I said, I'm avoiding hospital at all costs. I would rather die than have to face any of that again. I'm still exploring my options for moving out, and I really need to get onto it soon. The appointments tend to blur. There was lots of talk about OBs, doctors, hospital, weight. At one point she said "...unless mum takes you into Emergency to get OBs..." I sprung out of my chair and walked to the car in tears. My last GP gave me an ultimatum of "I'm calling an ambulance, unless your mum takes you straight to Emergency." I will not be cornered like that again. So I run.

Mum (who stays to wrap-up after I panic) told me that she still wants me to come back next week, even if I haven't had my OBs done. I just feel like a huge disappointment, I'm such a waste of her time. I told her that I feel like I need to lose weight, that my friend keeps calling me healthy, that I can't stop it. I'm just in a different place to where I've been the last 6 months. Que sera sera.

On an upside, I'm noticing physical differences from the weight loss already. My leggings are looser, and I have a new concave forming on my side/back that I haven't noticed before My fingers now overlap when wrapped around the very top of my thigh, so I guess that's something. And my shoulders feel less 'flabby' which is lovely. I think I'm noticing things like this quicker at a lower weight, maybe because there's less to get rid of.

Sorry I haven't been commenting all week, but I've still been reading everyone's posts. I'll get back on track with commenting tomorrow when I have a little more energy.

xxBella

Side - taken this morning

\Stopping running has been so worth it for
slimming down that muscle!