Friday, 16 November 2012


It's Friday. I still haven't made a GP appointment. I've just been floating through my days, still and numb. I think I'm more quiet lately. There's not really a point in saying anything. There's nothing to say.

I'm not sure what to do with doctors. I'm definetly not seeing either of the GPs I've seen before. At the same time, I don't really want to see a new GP because of all the goddamn talking. I tried to see a new GP last month, and I left in a panic attack after 10 minutes because she just kept asking why I was seeing a new GP. We didn't even get to the "what's wrong?". Mum had a suggestion, though. Basically, I'm always the first appointment at the clinic on Tuesday mornings (8:10am, every Tuesday, for 5 months now, and booked until the end of the year - lucky her) and the waiting room is empty. There's two GPs who work Tuesday mornings, though they usually don't have appointments first thing. So mum suggested that we could ask my dietician & the girls at the desk if one of the GPs could come in just to quickly check my OBs during my regular appointment. It's a possibility but it makes me feel like a huge bother. Pfft, like I'm not already.

I told mum that it was just pointless to do any of it. My intake's falling back and I need to get this fucking weight off. I said it wouldn't be long until my dietician said she couldn't see me any more, if I'm just gonna do this. It'd be a waste of her time and it's easier for me just to cancel my appointments now, so I don't have to see how disappointed she'll be. Mum disagrees that she'll stop seeing me, but I don't know where she gets that from. I guess I'll see what happens next week.

A little off topic: Misty (my cat) caught a bird yesterday morning - twice. Normally it's up to my brother (though it was originally my ex-boyfriend's job) to take care of birds & rodents that she might catch. He wasn't home, and it was just my mum & I. Last time this happened, we were on the porch and mum screamed "Misty's got a bird! Misty's got a bird!" and I just screamed back "I don't know what to do!".
Yesterday, though, I jumped up and started chasing her around the yard. I'd taught Billy (my dog) to "go get the cat!" when they'd be playing lately. So I got him to chase her, and we eventually caught her and pried the bird out of her mouth. It flew off, but an hour later she got it again. Same routine, and it flew off again thank God.

Anyway, after jogging after her for a few short minutes, my heart rate hit 180+ and it was pounding out of my chest. I am so goddamn unfit. Over 9 weeks since my last run and feeling weaker by the day. The less I move, the less I am able to move. Three months ago I was on my feet all day and running an hour every day, and now I have to sit down to prepare anything in the kitchen and spend most of the day in bed.

Like I said, I really don't have anything new to say. Everything is just "same old story". Boring babbling bullshit. Sorry guys.


Lying Down Thigh Gap


  1. Hi!
    As you're so underweight and lack proper nutritions, you're organs are slowly failing. That means that you're probably not very unfit, but your heart rate will automatically be high.

  2. I like your mum's suggestion - maybe worth a try?
    I love you bella boo, I know and I'm sorry that things are really tough and you are struggling a lot, I just want you to know I'm so grateful for your comments to me, and I love you muchly. Bella boo rocks my socks :-P xxx Hang on in there xxx

  3. Hang on to hope dear Bella, even if it is just a shred

    Sending you love and a hug x