I am far too big. And it is not okay. And it will stop.
I finished my grand 800 calorie meal plan today. It's perfect. I started using it straight away, though still with Ensures to bring me up to 1,200 calories. Unless something happens before Tuesday, I'm going to be dropping the Ensures and doing this for real as of then. I need to get this fucking weight off. I do not want to look 'healthy'. I want to look emaciated. Fuck healthy, fuck fat, fuck food. Sorry for the language. I just need to get this weight off. I need to.
I am chanting at the bit to get back to weight loss - Tuesday could not come soon enough. I want to drop my calories on a Tuesday (weigh day), so I'll be able to get a better view of my weight changes. Two more days, two more days. I can wait two more days. And then, I will shrink and I will not look healthy - not to anyone. I will get lower than I've ever been before.
I'm seeing the dentist on Monday, for the first time in quite a while. I don't dislike the dentist, but I do dislike leaving the house full-stop. And then the dietician on Tuesday. She's going to tell me it's a waste of time for me to keep seeing her if I drop my calories, I know it. And then I'll be alone.
Sorry for my consistently pointless ramblings. Come Tuesday, I'll be losing weight again and my ramblings won't be so pointless.
I. Am. Done.
xxBella
I can relate Bella, I was just talking to Mary yesterday about how I hate to leave the house.
ReplyDeleteShe has a way of putting things so that I can really understand them.
It doesn't make it any easier though.
It worries me that you want to go lower dear Bella but I know the feeling to wanting to disappear down the rabbit hole that is this illness.
Please be careful
Please mind yourself x
little bella boo,
ReplyDeletecould the dietician section you if you drop too much? im afraid for you, i'm so sorry you hate life so much, i wish we could all sit in a fairylight filled room together, just being without expectation. im sending you my love xxxx
You are so young, smart,beautiful. I feel bad for you, but worse for your family. What will happen to your mother when you disappear? Don't give up on yourself or life, it can be so good.
ReplyDeleteAnon from someone who found life and love, against all odds.
ooooohhh thats different to here- here my cpn/ed nurse can section to hold for so many hours to arrange a mental health act assessment with a gp and a psych. gps do the same. you're never safe over here!! i'm most at risk from my gp, who has mentioned it a few times. I will tell her, she's sweet, im hoping shell understand. she did before, my cpn tried to weigh me and i burst out crying and that was the first time shed ever seen me cry and then she rang the gp to tell her not to. i mean, she cant pick me up and put me on the scales, and she wouldn't, its just my 'i hate disappointing people' head that's annoying and hates saying no.
ReplyDeletei love you moooooreeeee bella boo, take care too, as much as you can xx