No OBs, No Appointment

Yesterday was my weekly weigh-in and appointment with the dietician. I stepped on the scales, and she told me I'd dropped down. We got back to her office, and she scrolled through the computer for a minute "it's the lowest it's been in a while, actually". Not exactly sure what that means. Maybe 46-47kg, maybe a tiny bit less than I started. Eyes fixed on the floor, that 'numb' feeling again, barely speaking. Mum told her that I'd been having two Ensures a day, and I break silence to say "it's just too much food".

Then she asks if I've been to a GP yet to have my OBs taken. I shake my head. How long have I been putting this off? "It was about 5 weeks ago that you tried to see the last GP?" Sounds about right. I had a GP appointment booked straight after the dietician a while ago, but panic set in and I left in tears. She tells me that it is really important that I get them done, so she knows I'm stable. Then, she drops a bombshell: I need to get my OBs done before I can see her next week.

She suggested that I see a GP I've seen before, so I don't have to really talk to them. That leaves me two options. I turned to mum and said that she could choose between them, because I didn't want to see either. I am crying - they both think I'm fat, neither of them think I'm sick.

Option A: The GP who I've seen the most recently - a total of maybe 5 appointments in the last year. She's the one who was a complete idiot, especially when I started seeing my dietician earlier this year. I went in and told her I wanted help to get better. "Oh, well you've made so much progress already - I can tell just by looking at you!" Bitch. FYI, I was actually going to gain a bit of weight before she said this. Nothing was a big issue. I walked out with no blood tests, no OBs taken, no referrals and no follow-up appointments. Though, she did say "let me know if I can be of help!" when I walked out "...can I have a hug?".  This pattern continued and I gave up.
Option B: My Family GP. Mum's been seeing him for over 25 years, and I saw him up until I was 18. I went into his office at 43kg (approx 12.7 BMI). Like many, I didn't feel able to speak up and ask for help. I told him about my troubles sleeping, and he told me to "exercise more". I'd already told him I workout 3-6 hours a day. I went home and exercised more - before being sectioned and rushed to hospital by an ED psychiatrist not a week later.

Mum and I talked about it yesterday. Neither of us has really come to a decision, so I guess I'll see what today brings. The dietician left me on 1,200 for another week, told me to keep drinking the Ensures if I can't eat the food, and told me my intake does need to go up if my weight keeps dropping.

But I've realised something. It's not the GPs who have it wrong - it's me. GPs don't think my weight's a big issue, because it isn't a big issue. If a GP can look at me and tell me I've made progress, or to exercise more, or if a friend can call me healthy... then I'm not thin enough. People said that to me when I weighed 50lb heavier, too. As long as people keep saying that to me, I will keep shrinking. Will a single-digit BMI stop people calling me healthy? Or do I have to be six-feet-under before it stops? Even then, I'm sure I'll still be the very picture of health.

Sorry this has droned on. I just feel hopeless. Going to the GP is just so daunting for so many reasons, but I'll try and get it sorted out today one way or another.

I honestly believe that I am far too big, and I eat far too much. This hadn't been the case for nearly 5 months. Yesterday's intake was 796 calories. Today is planned to come to 798 calories. I hope it's enough to get some weight dropping. I need to get it off.


xxBella