Wednesday, 14 November 2012

No OBs, No Appointment

Yesterday was my weekly weigh-in and appointment with the dietician. I stepped on the scales, and she told me I'd dropped down. We got back to her office, and she scrolled through the computer for a minute "it's the lowest it's been in a while, actually". Not exactly sure what that means. Maybe 46-47kg, maybe a tiny bit less than I started. Eyes fixed on the floor, that 'numb' feeling again, barely speaking. Mum told her that I'd been having two Ensures a day, and I break silence to say "it's just too much food".

Then she asks if I've been to a GP yet to have my OBs taken. I shake my head. How long have I been putting this off? "It was about 5 weeks ago that you tried to see the last GP?" Sounds about right. I had a GP appointment booked straight after the dietician a while ago, but panic set in and I left in tears. She tells me that it is really important that I get them done, so she knows I'm stable. Then, she drops a bombshell: I need to get my OBs done before I can see her next week.

She suggested that I see a GP I've seen before, so I don't have to really talk to them. That leaves me two options. I turned to mum and said that she could choose between them, because I didn't want to see either. I am crying - they both think I'm fat, neither of them think I'm sick.
Option A: The GP who I've seen the most recently - a total of maybe 5 appointments in the last year. She's the one who was a complete idiot, especially when I started seeing my dietician earlier this year. I went in and told her I wanted help to get better. "Oh, well you've made so much progress already - I can tell just by looking at you!" Bitch. FYI, I was actually going to gain a bit of weight before she said this. Nothing was a big issue. I walked out with no blood tests, no OBs taken, no referrals and no follow-up appointments. Though, she did say "let me know if I can be of help!" when I walked out "...can I have a hug?".  This pattern continued and I gave up.
Option B: My Family GP. Mum's been seeing him for over 25 years, and I saw him up until I was 18. I went into his office at 43kg (approx 12.7 BMI). Like many, I didn't feel able to speak up and ask for help. I told him about my troubles sleeping, and he told me to "exercise more". I'd already told him I workout 3-6 hours a day. I went home and exercised more - before being sectioned and rushed to hospital by an ED psychiatrist not a week later.
Mum and I talked about it yesterday. Neither of us has really come to a decision, so I guess I'll see what today brings. The dietician left me on 1,200 for another week, told me to keep drinking the Ensures if I can't eat the food, and told me my intake does need to go up if my weight keeps dropping.

But I've realised something. It's not the GPs who have it wrong - it's me. GPs don't think my weight's a big issue, because it isn't a big issue. If a GP can look at me and tell me I've made progress, or to exercise more, or if a friend can call me healthy... then I'm not thin enough. People said that to me when I weighed 50lb heavier, too. As long as people keep saying that to me, I will keep shrinking. Will a single-digit BMI stop people calling me healthy? Or do I have to be six-feet-under before it stops? Even then, I'm sure I'll still be the very picture of health.

Sorry this has droned on. I just feel hopeless. Going to the GP is just so daunting for so many reasons, but I'll try and get it sorted out today one way or another.

I honestly believe that I am far too big, and I eat far too much. This hadn't been the case for nearly 5 months. Yesterday's intake was 796 calories. Today is planned to come to 798 calories. I hope it's enough to get some weight dropping. I need to get it off.



  1. Awwwww sweethearrtttt you are not big, i know you wont believe me, but they are arseholes who have no idea what to say, and to fill the silence, say the most stupid things. you're dietician obviously thinks you are very unwell or she wouldn't put the pressure on you to get the obs done - she thinks you are in danger little one. i love you, i know i cannot make this better or change anything, but i do really love you. i understand the anxiety about seeing the gp, but im so afraid that you'll stop seeing the dietician too if you dont get the obs done.

    my care coordinator once told me that if i overdosed she wouldn't see me for three weeks afterwards.
    it turned out to be a bluff.
    she cant not see you, if you dont get the obs done, she will probably see you anyway, i think she might be encouraging you to go because she sees the urgency of the situation.

    i dont know if that makes any sense. i have the thought in my head but it came out jumbled. sorry.

    i love you, i love you , i love you xx

  2. p.s thank you for reminding me that not bingeing is actually progress. I get so caught up in the fact im not restricting as much as i used to that i forget that im also not bingeing. and i am losing. just slowly. but you are right, any is good and it can only go down if i carry on this way.

    also, im reconsidering home. honestly. its just the disappointment. its odd. my parents treat me like crap but also pretend to be disappointed in me too, like they care. i dont know. im weighing up the potential harm that could come from going home, and the potential guilt and harm that could come from not going.

    love love love xx

  3. You aren't big not at all.
    Would you think of finding a new GP? I know it would be hard explaining your situation to them, but they might be more understanding?

    Love you, I hope you're okay.
    Also, thank you so much for your email, you have no idea how much it meant to me.