Monday, 12 November 2012

Still and Silent

Last night and today have been mostly spent sitting completely still, staring into space. Should you ask me how I'm feeling, I would probably say numb. Dead. I haven't cried. I haven't pouted. I haven't even been particularly anxious. I've just been spending a lot of time still and silent. Emotionless. Dead.

I cancelled my dentist appointment this morning. No. Just, no. Mum went instead for a check-up, so the appointment didn't go to waste. I spent the time pre-preparing my lunch and dinner, because it's too stressful and I feel to guilty to have mum preparing my food any more. I pull a barstool up to the bench, and I'm set. I can deal with it.

Facing my last Ensure in an hour. Then tomorrow, I put it in the cupboard, and I'm back down to 800 calories. Boom. Easy. There's method in my madness. Hopefully I'll see some weight loss on that.

Dietician tomorrow. Dreading it. I feel the need to cancel the rest of my appointments (first appointment of the day, every Tuesday morning, for the rest of the year), before she tells me it's a waste of her time for me to keep seeing her. I just don't want to deal with it, knowing how disappointed she'll be in me. The last few appointments, I've barely talked and had my eyes fixed on the floor. That numb feeling, again. Mum talks more than I do, which hadn't been the case lately. Mum knows the Ensure isn't going to be used much longer, and that I feel the need to lose weight, but she doesn't know that I'm going back to 800 tomorrow. So I guess it could be an interesting day.

The weather's warming up. Not long until summer. I walk a very fine line between hypothermia and heatstroke. Most days, I'm rugged up in unbelievable amounts of clothes and electric blankets, and even then  I'm cold. But once it gets around 25 degrees, boom, I'm at risk of heatstroke. I guess insulation is a two-way street. Feeling fresh after my bath this morning, I snapped a few quick pics. Note: I don't normally have this top tied up, but it's just a sack otherwise.


I stand on furniture because we don't have
a full-length mirror. Don't tell Mum! ;-)

1 comment:

  1. hi lovely, how have the last few days been little one? i dont think i can tell her about going home. i cld cry thinking about it so i live in denial... maybe thats y i dont cope well after tho i guess idk. im dreading it. what was i thinking. and im so anxious about seeing people and talking and feeling fat and pathetic :-( i love u i wish i lived on the same continent. take care starshine and thank uxx for ur comments, they mean a lot x