Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Dietician update

My weight dropped again this week, which was kinda surprising, but kinda not. My dietician said that now she's concerned, as my weight's made a pattern of dropping every week. She asked if I'd had my OBs done, and obviously I haven't. She said that she feels negligent, and she can't keep seeing me without my medical issues being addressed. I didn't say much the whole appointment. My head just hangs down, face quivering, holding back tears. Quiet as a mouse for the few words I did say.

She asked mum if she'd noticed any changes in me at home, and apparently I've been a lot quieter. That's not such a bad thing, though. I need to shut my stupid fat mouth more often anyway. I spent the whole appointment just feeling like a huge disappointment, resisting the urge to run out in tears. She said to mum " her carer, you need to book an appointment with one of the GPs before you leave". (Basically, I've been on a Disability Pension since I was 16 - mum is also legally my Carer). I have an appointment on Saturday morning. Whether I go or not, remains to be seen.

The rest of the day at home was spent in awkward silence, intercepted with brief conversation and panic attacks. Mum went back to bed until lunch. I spent the morning cooking, and fell apart in the afternoon. It was just one of those days. I don't really have intention of going to see the GP. Apart from the fact my intake's going down and I need to get this weight off - and therefore there's no point in going to see a GP or going back to see my dietician - I don't know if I'd 'pass' my OBs anyway.

On Monday night, I had a bit of an episode of my blood pressure. I started feeling really dizzy and shaky, and had to lie down during dinner. My BP read 102/54. It should be more like 130/80. I've had issues with blood pressure for a while, and have been admitted a couple of times due to it. Anything under 60 diastolic, and mum's supposed to take me to the hospital. It came back up after half an hour, to about 110/70. I refuse to have my OBs checked, unless I'm sure they'll be fine. I am not getting cornered into hospital again.

It's currently 5:45am. I woke up at 3am, and began to be violently ill. As in, emptied-my-stomach-contents-in-10-seconds-flat, projectile vomiting. Lovely. Sorry for the TMI. I'm not sure what brought it on - could've been anything. Brother & Mum came running to check if I was okay. I feel better now, but I'm definitely not getting back to sleep - the sun's starting to rise!

Aiming for another week on 800. Might weigh myself next week, maybe the week after that. I couldn't be more than 46kg (101lb), which still keeps me under a BMI of 13.5. I'd like to lose another one or two kg before I weigh myself, but progress is progress. I just want it all gone now, but I know I need to pace myself. Somehow, I don't think I could handle losing weight that fast right now (last year I went from 66kg-41kg - a loss of 25kg/55lb in four months). Oh well. Slow and steady wins the race.



  1. Please stay safe Bella, you are too precious x

  2. Dear Bella...
    First of all I just realized you are a fellow Aussie :) so hi!!

    Second... I'm sorry it's been so tough for you :( You aren't a disappointment dear. You are precious, beautiful, and full of potential. The ED is the fucking devil itself... it has nothing to do with you.

    Please take care of yourself. xx

  3. Hey sweetheart. Sorry I've been such a bad commenter recently.
    I really hope you're okay. Please try to stay safe, I care about you so much, I hate hearing about how ill you are.
    Take care, you are so wonderful.