Saturday, 11 October 2014


Saw my GP first thing yesterday. More antibiotics, more steroids, go back on Tuesday. Today I've been pukey and feverish and generally unpleasant. I've been trying to write this post in chunks during the day, so hopefully it's somewhat cohesive.

My fever was in the 39°s for a few hours today, reaching 39.7°c, which I don't think I've experienced before. Mum and brother started saying I'd need to go to A&E if it gets to 40°c, even if they have to call an ambulance. I thought it was a bit of an overreaction and would rather just wait to see a GP if it got that high, but thankfully it started dropping a couple of hours ago. 

Mum's asked a couple of times already if I think the Gabapentin's having a negative effect on me, as in making me more depressed, but I honestly don't know. I get that she's still on-alert from the Fluoxetine-OD incident, which is fair enough, but how would I even know? How could I tell the difference between Gabapentin making things worse, depression just getting worse on it's own, or feeling worse because I have less hope? Even if I did, would I be able to say anything?

I'm crying for hours everyday again. But I think it's just that I feel less hopeful. After months of being told repeatedly that there's no point trying new antidepressants because Mirtazapine's the best I'll get, I feel like she just gave me these to shut me up. Whether that's true or not, my head has me convinced. 
"I think you really need to give them feedback on this."
"Why bother? She said she wants to leave me on it for two months before re-assessing."

And really, if I don't stay on them for at least those two months, they won't have any reason to give me anything else, because why bother if I won't even try?

On Wednesday and Thursday mum had to do a clear liquid fast for a routine procedure. I bet you can guess where this is going. I always struggle when I'm supposed to eat by myself. The bulk of my intake is liquid already, but things like smoothies, yogurt, Milo, soups, opposed to all clear liquids (definition below). But even with that, I'd feel so guilty having a hot Milo while mum has broth.

Needless to say my intake wasn't spectacular either day. On Wednesday I had a sugary icy pole (popsicle) (43 cal) after my blood sugars inevitably started to dip, plus 1.5 liters of diet soda (my trusty Coke Zero and my new obsession, sugar-free Sunkist), and of course water and a couple of black coffees. Thursday was harder because I knew I'd be having dinner. I asked mum what she wanted me to cook for dinner for when she got home, and as soon as I asked she said tacos.

We do tacos simply. I cook the chicken coated in dry seasoning with a little water, and gave them with salsa, lettuce and reduced fat cheddar. I had two with about 44 grams (raw weight) of chicken between them (226 cal) plus a hot Milo before bed (132), and during the day I had a little over two liters of diet soda.

Yesterday was a little higher, around 500 cals, and today will be closer to 650 after my Milo. I made a really simple Potato & Leek soup last night. I sautéed a leek, some celery and a few cloves of garlic in a little olive oil (10g for what made twelve cups of soup), then added the potato and chicken stock and puréed it all. No pictures, but it was so simple and tasty. 

Sorry I've not had much positive to say lately.
The tatters and rags skirt is coming along much more slowly than I expected, so I thought I'd share some progress pictures instead of posting them all at once when it's finished. There were some 200-odd individual scraps when I took these photos (yes, I'm counting), and there'll be around 600 by the time it's finished.

Now I'm going to go watch Frozen for the hundredth time because the songs makes me feel slightly less shitty for 102 minutes.

A scale model I made to see what the shape would
be like before I cut it out full-size



  1. Sorry you're feeling so down lately! I wish there was an anti depressant or something that could at least get you feeling somewhat normal or okay. It's so hard to get out of that feeling when you start feeling down and hopeless :/
    You should definitely try each med for a few months though, some meds don't start really working for 8-12 weeks so it's good to give it time, and then decide after a decent period if you think it's worked for you. If you decide you've been on the gabapentin long enough and you don't think it's helping, I think you should absolutely say something to your GP.

    The skirt looks like it's coming along great, I can't wait to see the end result!
    Also, thank you for being so great at commenting lately, you always brighten my day when I see a comment from you on my posts : )
    You're becoming a true friend Bella.

    Don't forget you're loved & there's always hope.

  2. I finally had experience with Gabapentin. One of the new guys at the transitional house takes it. He said he doesn't think it works either, but then again, he's got a really really lot of stuff going on so I don't know if he even knows yet. I've come to the conclusion that with mental illness that's more severe it's difficult to get the concoction of medication just right. Jus do what you can and try to push yourself a little more. Paint your nails. Sketch something to sew (you don't have to actually sew yet). I hope you get to feeling better and don't cry because that pretty face needs a smile. I love you.

  3. Hey there Bella, I'm sending you cross-continental hugs! I'm so proud of you for having a couple days of around 500 calories. Has your weight been stabilizing? You are such a lovely young woman. The skirts you produce blow my mind! I hope your fever has continued to drop and that you're feeling less puke-y and more pleasant! It's totally fine to not post positive things, no one's life is a walk through the meadows every day! Keep on posting and letting us know what you're up to. I like keeping in touch and seeing how you're doing. Good on you for those tacos, they sounded great. What is Milo, by the way? Keep your head up, dear - I'm cheering for you! XO -Calla

  4. Meds are a funny thing. They typically take about a month or so to even start working. I was so impatient for Zoloft to kick in and make a difference as soon as they put me on it.
    Please don't give up on finding something else, there's bound to be something that will help.
    The skirt is coming together nicely and I'm sure it will look amazing when it's done. You make such wonderful things.
    It's okay to not be positive all the time. Even some of my posts have been a bit depressive at times and no one can be happy all of the time.
    I hope you get better soon x

  5. Bella can I ask you something? Have you ever struggled with liquid intake? I'm having a real hard time trying to drink enough at the moment and it's worrying me quite a lot, the fact that fear is preventing me from drinking even water.

    I hope you're doing ok, and feeling a bit better soon. I hate to think of you poorly with a fever. Meds do take a fair few weeks, usually about 6, to kick in - I hope you're not feeling so ghastly for all that time, and hope that they do end up helping you after everything you've been through. I love the shape of your skirt, so different and quirky, you have a real talent. Can't wait to see the finished product!

    Thinking of you as always. Take care and get well soon. Sending gentle hugs xxxx

  6. Get well soon dear!
    I think you should speak out to the MH nurse about the meds, tell her your opinion.
    Milo sounds delicious. I used to have it regularly when I was little as a substitute for hot chocolate but my mother banned it because it makes me fat.
    I love diet coke. Sugar free sunkist sounds nice but I prefer fizzy drinks ;)
    The skirt's coming along nicely! I don't bother to do scale models :P
    Take care and I hope you feel better, both physically and mentally.


  7. I always feel so sad when I hear about your struggles. You are so strong, Bella! Honestly, you know which medications are best for your mind and body, so I think you need to fight for the meds you want, and not just be content with some silly doctor's ideas of what you need. Your skirt is coming along beautifully! You have so much talent! And congrats on your intake; though it may not be as high as you and everyone else would like, you are legitimately trying and that is what matters.
    <3 Lee