Fever

Saw my GP first thing yesterday. More antibiotics, more steroids, go back on Tuesday. Today I've been pukey and feverish and generally unpleasant. I've been trying to write this post in chunks during the day, so hopefully it's somewhat cohesive.

My fever was in the 39°s for a few hours today, reaching 39.7°c, which I don't think I've experienced before. Mum and brother started saying I'd need to go to A&E if it gets to 40°c, even if they have to call an ambulance. I thought it was a bit of an overreaction and would rather just wait to see a GP if it got that high, but thankfully it started dropping a couple of hours ago. 

Mum's asked a couple of times already if I think the Gabapentin's having a negative effect on me, as in making me more depressed, but I honestly don't know. I get that she's still on-alert from the Fluoxetine-OD incident, which is fair enough, but how would I even know? How could I tell the difference between Gabapentin making things worse, depression just getting worse on it's own, or feeling worse because I have less hope? Even if I did, would I be able to say anything?

I'm crying for hours everyday again. But I think it's just that I feel less hopeful. After months of being told repeatedly that there's no point trying new antidepressants because Mirtazapine's the best I'll get, I feel like she just gave me these to shut me up. Whether that's true or not, my head has me convinced. 

"I think you really need to give them feedback on this."

"Why bother? She said she wants to leave me on it for two months before re-assessing."

And really, if I don't stay on them for at least those two months, they won't have any reason to give me anything else, because why bother if I won't even try?

On Wednesday and Thursday mum had to do a clear liquid fast for a routine procedure. I bet you can guess where this is going. I always struggle when I'm supposed to eat by myself. The bulk of my intake is liquid already, but things like smoothies, yogurt, Milo, soups, opposed to all clear liquids (definition below). But even with that, I'd feel so guilty having a hot Milo while mum has broth.

Needless to say my intake wasn't spectacular either day. On Wednesday I had a sugary icy pole (popsicle) (43 cal) after my blood sugars inevitably started to dip, plus 1.5 liters of diet soda (my trusty Coke Zero and my new obsession, sugar-free Sunkist), and of course water and a couple of black coffees. Thursday was harder because I knew I'd be having dinner. I asked mum what she wanted me to cook for dinner for when she got home, and as soon as I asked she said tacos.

We do tacos simply. I cook the chicken coated in dry seasoning with a little water, and gave them with salsa, lettuce and reduced fat cheddar. I had two with about 44 grams (raw weight) of chicken between them (226 cal) plus a hot Milo before bed (132), and during the day I had a little over two liters of diet soda.

Yesterday was a little higher, around 500 cals, and today will be closer to 650 after my Milo. I made a really simple Potato & Leek soup last night. I sautéed a leek, some celery and a few cloves of garlic in a little olive oil (10g for what made twelve cups of soup), then added the potato and chicken stock and puréed it all. No pictures, but it was so simple and tasty. 

Sorry I've not had much positive to say lately.

The tatters and rags skirt is coming along much more slowly than I expected, so I thought I'd share some progress pictures instead of posting them all at once when it's finished. There were some 200-odd individual scraps when I took these photos (yes, I'm counting), and there'll be around 600 by the time it's finished.

Now I'm going to go watch Frozen for the hundredth time because the songs makes me feel slightly less shitty for 102 minutes.

A scale model I made to see what the shape would
be like before I cut it out full-size

xxBella