Sunday, 19 October 2014

The Nessus

Yesterday I went out for dinner with my family. 
Outing #6 for 2014, complete.

We went to a quiet little Indian place.
I actually quite enjoy going out for dinner, although it's only the third or fourth opportunity I've had in recent years. I don't really have issues with eating in public, beyond the issues with eating in general. Maybe because I've not done it enough to fear it.

Thankfully the restaurant was quiet and not in the busy part of town. I drank a glass more than half a bottle of Shiraz. I forgot to get a photo of the food (it was a majestic spread), but I did get a photo of the wine bottle. 

Between myself, my mum, brother, and his fiance, we shared two curries (rogan josh and chicken aloo), chicken biryani, and masala dosa, alongside rice and naan bread. I had a spoonful of the biryani, three pieces of the rogan josh, rice... I did try the dosa and a bite of the chicken curry but wasn't too keen, and a little of the naan bread. Oh, and we shared a Nutella naan for dessert. I would've been more panicked, but I didn't eat apart from dinner yesterday, and they weren't big portions; I just like to taste a little of everything if I can.

Even though I can do the 'eating in public' thing, I do get anxious about not knowing an accurate calorie count. Usually I measure everything, from instant coffee to fruit to liquids to hot meals, using my trusty kitchen scales for accuracy. But every once a while I can justify estimating one meal, even if it leaves me with a nagging anxiety.

In other news, I saw the dietician on Tuesday. When I got off the scales, she said it had dropped a lot. She looked concerned, and I couldn't resist asking how much. She asked if I wanted to know numbers, and I figured once couldn't hurt if she just told me what I'd lost.

I lost two kilos last week.

I haven't lost that much that quickly in a long time. Not in the two years I've been seeing my dietician, at least. I barely even exercised last week, but my intake has been lower than it's been in a while.

She asked if I could start taking multivitamins again, but I'm not keen. I had a blood test this week though, and she wants me to agree to start taking vitamins again if the results come back low, but I don't know if I can. 
It's hard to explain, but I struggle to take them, knowing I'm doing something beneficial for my health, and just taking extra nutrients... It's challenging in a similar way to drinking supplements like Ensure, but on a much lesser scale.

Please tell me I'm not alone on this one.

Today I have crashed, and just want to hibernate from here throughout eternity.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

"A centaur, a mythical half-horse half-man. Like all centaurs, Nessus
was caught between two natures, the wild beast and the thoughtful
teacher. Most famously, driven by his animal side, he made a
bold play to steal the wife of Hercules. Ultimately, his clever plot
ended tragically, with the death of both Nessus and Hercules."
The first strawberry from my new plants



  1. i was wondering if you mispelled 'Narcissus' for a second there (fun fact: i misspelled that myself).
    oh wow. i did not expect this post to start with outing #6, thus you should expect this from me: i am so SO SO RIDICULOUSLY PROUD and i haven't even read much yet.
    no food pics? aw. and oh my god, the last time i had Indian...*shudders*
    all of this is just words to me. and they shouldn't be. i live in the Middle East goddammit. i should know every curry known to mankind.
    oh believe me i know. yesterday i did an estimation myself. i was too hungry. now it's gnawing at my brain and i'm wondering what the hell it was. i don't not weigh-in often but i don't know what the hell was up with yesterday. it was a confusing day. it's not even a "my scale wasn't in x room" issue. it was confusing because normally, even if i'm deathly tired and don't want to move, but i don't have my scale around - i will fetch it.
    yesterday i was so out of character. i ate, didn't care, and then i did work more than usual (usually, if i eat too much then there is no way in HELL you can get me to work on anything because i'm too crippled with guilt). though i am so incredibly bloated today. chubby Sam.
    that's insane, sweetie. take care of yourself. 2 kilos is a huge ass drop.
    you are not alone. i've went through that road - dislike anything good for my health, and then just wanting to do anything in my power to eat healthy. now, i'm more on the other side. the "i don't want to take anything good for me" is basically my existence. it's why i don't eat any fruit and vegetables half the time as well, other than my crippling fear of fructose. if people think i shouldn't be eating it, then i eat more of it than i should (to the point where i hear so many damn comments about it). that's just that. fat is a huge thing for me. if it has a lot of fat in it, i find it so safe. but it has to be that artery-clogging crap that people tell you to eat less of.
    i still find you so so beautiful. and your hair is just so luscious.
    as always Bella dear, you look too frail for my liking. but i love how you dress and i love how you just are.
    the strawberry just made me smile.
    take care, Bella. <3

    -Sam Lupin x

  2. I think it is great that you try a little of everything :) I find Indian food yummy if properly made..
    I don't understand why you wouldn't be willing to take vitamins.. Can you try to explain it? (you don't have to, but I do want to understand)

    Take care of you hon.


  3. Congratulations on the outing, Bella! I'm proud of you for overcoming the need to measure everything for this family meal. I'm sorry to hear that you've lost 2kg, especially as you don't have the weight to lose, oh sweetheart. If the blood tests do come back low, please try to take the multivitamins. You may not want to do something to help your body, but your body needs those vitamins in order for your neurons to fire and for it to regulate itself. I'm studying physiology right now, actually preparing for a huge exam tomorrow, so the importance of vitamins is particularly prominent in my mind. You have such a lovely face, Bella! And mhm that wine sounds lovely. I'm shooting you an e-mail this afternoon (well, my time haha) so look for it! As always, keep fighting. Love, Calla XO

  4. I hate multivitamins, I often refuse the calcichew and iron too for the same reasons. That's a lot of weight in a week sweetie, I hope it balances back out so the dietician doesn't panic too much. I love you to the moon and back, i would really love to meet you one day. xxxx

  5. I have a tricky relationship with multivitamins but not for the same reasons... I like them because they clear up my skin and seem to stablize mood a bit overall but then I have difficulty justifying ANY intake, and then end up panic eating and get in a weird b/p loop. You're also not supposed to take them at the same time as meds and I've not been able to establish them as a regular thing. So... tricky. I feel destroyed atm. But I love you and am proud of you.

  6. I have issues with things beneficial to my health or general wellbeing.. Not so much food most of the time, but vitamins are one. I will go a year or two without taking any vitamins, then I'll convince myself to buy a bottle. When it runs out, it takes months to buy more. I started taking them more when I was drinking heavily because of reading about alcohol and vitamin deficiencies. I could feel better about drinking if I was taking vitamins.. not that that's logical. I also was told in rehab and detox to take a multivitamin and one of the B vitamins (don't remember which). I would stop when I went home.
    My other thing is lotion and sometimes conditioner for my hair. I currently use this soap (because it smells nice) that really dries out my skin, but I refuse to use lotion. I wait until my lips crack and bleed in the winter before using any lip balm. This actually started during my eating disorder in college and has never really gone away entirely.

  7. you are totally not alone in this
    i get it
    i know full well that i have B12 deficiency and i have megaloblastic anemia due to it
    but i cant take b12,,i dont know its hard to explain
    i know that it can lead to permanent neurological damage but in my mind it satisfies me that i am doing it right
    i know it makes me sound like a horrible person
    b12 deficiency is not even seen in a girl of 21
    its seen in old age if at all
    and i know any neurological impairment can ruin my chances of becoming a surgeon ever
    but i just cant do it
    i keep telling myself that i will take it one day when its inevitable but i know that i wont ever take it willingly..
    love always

  8. I live on vitamin pills and protein shakes (and B&J's). The more the better. I have no idea how much I spend on them every month and I don't want to know :P

    It is so brave of you to go out, and to a restaurant, no less! It's been five months since I last went to a restaurant, because I can't stand eating in front of people (who think I'm fat and shouldn't eat).

    re swf: I did vomit once, it was HORRIBLE and one time nothing happened, either way, but since I started with Glauber salt instead of sea salt things ruin smoothly (pun intended).

  9. I'm really happy you got out! I tried Indian food for the first time with the bf and his family but I want a fan of it. I really did try and I'll try again but the slices just weren't doing it for me. I prefer Mediterranean or BBC or a good, old fashioned burger.

    I think you should start to look for reasons why you're worth it. Seriously Bella. We all know you're great but you won't let yourself see it. My mom has two personality disgusts and she says that it helps her anxiety when she stood thinking about the shoulds and just does or doesn't do something. I say that because I know you say you should a lot. Think about doing something kind to yourself. Take for damn vitamins! :) I like to work out our do my whole face skin care at night, maybe take a nap, or tell my job I can't pick up that shift. Just try it. Try seeing what a beautiful person you are. I love you.

  10. I've only had Indian a couple times, but it was amazing every time. I eat so much though :P
    I'm glad it went well :) and it's great to hear that you went out.
    Naan bread is my favorite. I can only imagine the paradise that is naan bread and nutella.
    I sort of get you not wanting to do something beneficial for your health, but on the other hand if things get worse you might go inpatient again? Find a reason to do a little for your health - it doesn't have to be something really big, just up your intake by a hundred (if that helps?) or something. Strike a balance between doing what you want and keeping yourself out of the hospital?
    You look beautiful - the ankh matches well with your outfit too ^-^
    Was the strawberry sweet?

    Hope you're feeling better.


  11. Eating in public, just wow! Even if you're 'ok' with it, I'm still in awe of you! It's something I really want to be able to do.

    I feel the same way about multivitamins, and any medication to be honest. I don't know why, it freaks me out. Maybe I hate things that are meant to be good for me. Maybe I'm scared of overdosing again. Maybe I'm just scared of putting stuff into my body. But anyway, just want you to know you're not alone and I can relate to you. And I agree with Eve that you need to try and see what a beautiful person you are, inside and out, that you are worth it and taking the supplements would be a good thing to do. Is the dietitian wanting you to put the 2kg back on again as well as the multivits?

    Hang on in there beautiful lady. Your strawberry plant needs you ;)