Saturday, 4 October 2014

Stuttering, Stumbling, Mumbling

When I saw my dietician this week, she spent some time talking about what improvements I've made in the time I've been seeing her. I started to panic that she was going to say I've made so much progress in terms of eating/weight/mood, when none of the above are true, but it wasn't like that at all.

Firstly, I make more eye contact now. I still stare at the floor for most of the appointment, but I can hold eye contact for more than a split second.
More than that, I can make conversation and talk and joke instead of just giving one-word answers.

And I don't run out crying anymore.
"That was only when I gained weight."
"But you don't do it anymore.
"The first time you ran out, I was like 'wait, what's going on here?'"
That would've been the fourth or fifth appointment, when the scales showed a gain for the first time.
"I don't have many clients who run out on me." she laughs.

I think it's because I'm much more comfortable around her now. I still struggle with the GP and mental health nurse and can't make eye contact or talk as freely, but I'm pretty comfortable with my dietician. But hey, even with just one person that's something.

I've been seeing her for over two years now, and I don't know if I'd be here without her. She's helped me get my intake to a level where I'm not constantly hypoglycemic, and for a while she helped me get my calories as high as 1,200-1,300 and still maintaining, which were both goals when I first met her, but I couldn't keep up with the higher calorie intake for long. She monitors my weight and tells me of weekly changes, and assures me she'll tell me if I start to gain or lose significant amounts. 

Anyway, then I saw the MH nurse for the first time in a month.

I didn't get to say my piece on meds. I know I need to talk to them about it, just to voice my feelings and clear the air, but I just couldn't talk.
One of the first things she asked was if my meds had changed, and I mumbled that I've started on Gabapentin. She said she hopes it helps with my anxiety, and I just sat there.

After a while of me giving one word answers, she asked what was going on in my head. I stuttered and stumbled and mumbled that I didn't know.
Eventually I started talking a bit more, slowly, hesitantly, stopping and starting. I didn't want to waste another appointment.

She asked me how I've been spending my days, and I just wanted to cry. Everything is just so hard. Sewing, blogging, writing in my journal, exercise, cooking, eating, gaming, tapestry. I can push myself to do things for a little while, but it's so forced, and everything just ends up stressing me out more. I don't want to do anything but I can't do nothing either.

It's not just that I feel overwhelmed by it all and it's not just that it all seems pointless, there's more to it than that. I spend most of the day staring at the wall. I can smoke and pick at my skin for hours on end, but I can't pick up my phone or write in my journal.
She asked what goes on in my head when I'm like that, if I'm "away with the fairies" or if my thoughts are running, but I honestly don't know. I try to identify it, but I just feel stuck.

I wish I was away with the fairies.

She asked if I was having any suicidal thoughts, and I sat there silently, thinking about what I should say before shrugging my shoulders.
"You don't want to talk about it?"
"No... I just... It's not that I'm suicidal, I just wish I was dead."
"Oh, okay. But that's different to saying you want to die?"
"No, I do want to die, I just don't have thoughts or plans to actively kill myself."
Call it a Passive Deathwish, or Anorexia's warpath.

"It's not acceptable for you to be this way. You can't go on like this."
Tears finally started leaking out. Not because she's probably right, but because it made me feel like an unacceptable fuck-up. I know she meant well. I marvel at my ability to take things the wrong way. But even now, I'm regretting not just keeping my mouth shut when the subject of mortality came up.

At one point we were talking about self-care. Admittedly I'm not the best at it. I don't think I really deserve it. I wear the same clothes for days, and bathing is even harder both mentally and physically (I'd be more embarrassed to admit it, but I know I'm not the only one). Since I struggle with those, she wants me to try doing some other things for self-care more often, whether it's listening to music (I don't anymore unless I'm exercising), painting my nails, or even just burning some candles or incense.

So yesterday I had a bath and burnt some incense, and then freshened up my hair color. I can't say it made me feel any better, but at least now I look half presentable.

In other news, last week I bought myself my first new pair of shoes (non-exercise shoes) in years. They are fabulous. Being so tall, I've constantly been told that most shoes are 'too tall' for me. But you know what? I. Don't. Care. I'm tired of not being able to wear 90% of shoes because of my height.
They have a 9cm (3.5") heel with a 1.8cm platform, making me 195cm or 6'4.5".

And thank you all for your comments on my last post. You guys are amazing. Sometimes I don't know if I'm being completely irrational and out of line or not, so I really appreciate the feedback and input.

For now, photos. 



  1. The photos are beautiful my dear Bells
    But you are so thin and frail
    It breaks my heart in to a million pieces
    I think you are too smart
    Too talented
    Too loving and caring
    To be lost to this illness
    I know recovery probably seems impossible right now
    But I believe you can get better
    And I'll always hold on to hope that you will

    Forever your friend x

  2. Oh, showering... Bathing is out of the question. Showers take enough energy, and those are rare as it is.

    Those shoes are amazing. YOU are amazing.

  3. oh no - i hate it when people do that. seriously. it is so fucking annoying.
    i absolutely cannot stand it when people in recovery do it. i can probably write soliloquies just based on it. but seriously.
    "Firstly, I make more eye contact now." good job. that's just one thing i have to say there. good job. it really does mean something to me. and i'm glad that you can talk and joke a bit sometimes. that made my heart swell up with joy.
    i don't know how i feel about the MH nurse yet. she's too unfamiliar to me too. i can nearly feel it by the way you mention her too - it's just not like re-greeting or seeing an old friend at all. it's not really heart swells with joy sort of thing.
    "I didn't want to waste another appointment." yet again, i clap my hand to this.
    honestly, Bella, one thing i do admire about you is you try. you do honestly try. i think one thing that pisses me off is people knowing that they are in a situation that they can get out of but they don't try. you are not like that. you made your point with wanting to try more anti-depressants. you try. and that really matters to me.
    here's something i will tell you: don't force yourself to do anything. nothing at all. honestly. it's why i have sleeping aids...because i can get into this point where there's a block and watching stuff is a hassle. and forcing myself to give a shit about crap is a hassle. sometimes, the depression is like an ache in your muscles that you can't shift off that just weighs you down and makes you feel like you're at the core of the earth - and you just can't. you can't do it. and that's okay. that's always going to be okay. i will keep on saying it because i do mean it.
    i think of it as a mental haze. like not being stuck in this world but not actively thinking of something else. haze and then somehow you snap back into reality. and then there's that easy slip of the block again because your thoughts either run or they stop.
    no. that hit me like a brick. honey, that upsets me so much. i wish you live for as long as you should and i hope you get out of this mess.
    no. i'm glad you said it. i'm sad you cried. crying is relieving but its also exhausting - and i really don't like the thought of you being more exhausted. i also don't like the thought of you crying. this is quite a painful post, my love.
    oh my god. you know how many posts i've written about bathing and showering and forcing myself to do it? you're definitely not the only one. it is exhausting. that's my thing for it. it's exhausting and it's annoying. energy depletion is such a predominant factor in my mood changes.

    damn Blogger damn it i hate it so much I WILL WRITE MORE THAN 4,096 CHARACTERS IF I WANT TO YOU SODDING GIT

  4. " So yesterday I had a bath and burnt some incense, and then freshened up my hair color. I can't say it made me feel any better, but at least now I look half presentable." yet again - i rest my case. you try. that matters.
    i love you. i love you so much. dammit Bella.
    my heart stopped. damn i'd look like a midget standing next to you. but whoa 6'4.5" is a hard feet. who gives a shit about how tall you are? buy the shoes you want. or in my case wear the same pair of shoes for a year until your Mother starts complaining.
    your eyes, your hair. i absolutely love your eyes. i seriously do. they are big, pretty eyes. and if they were black, i'd call them doe.

    i will restate what Ruby said. i agree with her 100% on every single one of those words.
    i also wish you good days and good nights and all the things in between.
    i also love you. very much. like ridiculously so.

    i hope i did not say anything that might have offended you with this comment. you have a heavy enough burden as it is and i'd hate to think that i might have added to it! i hope that this comment finds you well and i hope that you have a lovely evening. at this moment, i feel like a lot of commends i leave might have a statement that might offend you or make you feel sad - and i don't want that. not at all. so i will just leave you with the three things: i love you. i want nothing more than happiness for you. i'm sorry that you are in pain.

    -Sam Lupin
    PS. this is it. this is the full comment.

  5. It must be amazing to be so tall. Not something I'll ever experience!

  6. bella honey you look gorgeous as always :)
    i am so glad that you bought yourself something that you really like rather then listen to other people's opinions

  7. Hey Bella,
    I love the colour of your hair. I'm a red girl myself, though I like to add a bit of purple or burgundy to the mix. The shoes are very pretty and it doesn't matter how tall you are you can wear whatever you like. I can't walk in heals and have small and narrow feet so it does limit my choice in shoes by quite a bit. Treating yourself is always a good thing though.
    Misty is very cute by the way.

  8. You look so lovely! The fresh hair color is wonderful against your skin and eyes. I'm glad you are gaining comfort around your dietician. I understand the struggle to care for yourself... I'm definitely there. I've been at the point that not eating makes me nauseous, but so does the thought of food, and so does eating haha. Your cat is so fluffy! Hopefully he/she provides some comfort for you. Congratulations on buying those shoes - they are hella cute! Who care if people think it make you "too tall". Who the heck are they to impose their thoughts on you? I hope the anxiety medicine can offer some reprieve for you. Hang in there, Bella. You really are wonderful, strong, and beautiful. XO

  9. I'm glad you've been improving :) no offense, but I thought that the MH nurse was a tad too blunt...even if she did mean well.
    I have never bathed, ever, unless you count my ginger cure thing - I soak myself in ginger water which makes my privates burn. Other than that, no. Baths are considered a waste of time when you can shower. To me, bathing isn't too bad - I just don't like the moments before bathing when I stare into the mirror for ages thinking to myself about how horrible I look.
    You look beautiful. I love your eyes they're gorgeous <3 and wear what you want - it's none of their business :)
    I sincerely hope you find something that makes you feel better dear.


  10. Bella, you're so beautiful and that hair colour looks gorgeous on you! And I know exactly what you mean by saying that everything seems so forced, and even bathing and self-care becomes difficult. It's always a struggle and I hope that it does get easier for you soon, because it's a really exhausting and crippling feeling. I think it's wonderful that you're becoming more comfortable around your dietician. And those shoes are gorgeous, they look absolutely lovely on you! I think it's great that you're doing something for yourself, because you really deserve it. :) - Juni xx

  11. You sound exactly like've actually explained stuff that i usually can't put into words. Everything is a chore, life itself, simply existing is hard enough. But we'll get there, in the end we'll beat this, all of it :) <3

  12. I think the MH nurse was was just really concerned about your *ahem* shall we say, ambivalence to being alive. She didn't mean "you're" not acceptable. Honestly I think I would have been more concerned if she said, "oh well, it's fine that you have a passive death wish". She has to convey that it's not...right...for a lovely human being to feel like that. The trouble is that MH workers shy away from absolute terms like "right" and substitute "acceptable". Which is unfortunately open to interpretation and if your in a bit of a low you'll interpret it badly.