Sunday, 8 April 2018

A Series of Unfortunate Events

First off, I want to apologize for taking so long to update after my last post. The last couple of months have been intense and overwhelming in so many ways, and I've barely been able to gather my thoughts enough to even write in my journal, let alone blog.

My liver function has returned to normal. One of the levels is still elevated, but not hugely concerning compared to how it was after the overdose, and may not go back to normal until I stop drinking (even though I'm drinking much less than I was a few months ago). I only got the good news last week, and I wanted to wait until I got the all-clear before I updated so I at least had something positive to say.

That said, that's about the only positive thing that's happened.

Moving out looks like it'll be happening earlier than I thought. This week, the real estate agents came by to do a valuation. I spent days worrying about where to hide, knowing that I couldn't escape them completely, and wondering where they'd spend the least time. I ended up curling up in my armchair on the porch, trying to read, but being distracted by their voices analyzing the house and trying to hear what they were saying. They're now planning on putting the house on the market by the end of the month, having inspections for four weeks, and auctioning the house to have it sold by the end of May.

I'm scared about having strangers snooping through the house. I'm scared about having to go out for half an hour each week, even if I'm just sitting in the car. I broke into a panic after mum told me the plan. I have to start getting things boxed up and tidy for the end of the month. Not only will there be strangers, my biggest fear, in the house, but there'll be photos. That terrifies me. Both feel like such big invasions of my fortress, the place I never leave and never let people in to.

The past couple of weeks, I've been extremely depressed, about everything. When I saw my psych on Thursday, I was in tears for most of the session and couldn't make a single second of eye contact. I just can't cope any more. Even at home, I find myself in tears every day. I've had two psych appointments where I've turned up with fresh black eyes, not to mention other hidden bruises. It's not even just self-harm these days. It's attacking myself.

Between her, my dietician, and my GP, I haven't had many appointments in the past month. Everyone seems to be away for one reason or another. By the time I see anyone next, the house will probably be on the market.

I've given up on going to The Clinic. I decided a few weeks ago that I'd decided I did want to go, but it ended in a huge breakdown and a lot of vodka. Mum said she wouldn't even drive me to the admission, even if my psych handled the phone and admission side of things. It's not even that far away – maybe five minutes. But I can't get there by myself, and I can't get in a car with a stranger to take a taxi. Everyone agrees I need a higher level of care, but right now there's no way for it to happen.

I've also given up on my plan to get a car loan and do a few driving lessons before moving out. Mum had originally said I needed a couple of driving lessons before she'd take me out. Then she said I needed my own car. I finally came to terms with both issues and had sorted out a way to afford it, but then she said she just wouldn't take me out driving at all.

I'll have no license, no car, no way to get Billy to the vets, and unless I somehow manage to find somewhere affordable in the area, no access to appointments.

I've also been feeling very physically unwell the past few weeks. I think my intake consisting of mostly alcohol is catching up with me. I've been doing okay with drinking for the most part. So far, since New Years, I've been mostly meeting my goal of only drinking every second day (on average), although this past week I've been drinking every day. But I feel dizzy, light-headed. I'm exhausted all of the time. I constantly want to throw up. My heart races and everything blurs when I stand up. Yesterday, I tried to do some walking, panicked about the crap I've been ingesting. The day before, I managed 35 minutes before my body gave up. Yesterday, I could barely get up and get started. It was a push to even keep going for 10 minutes. My shoulders ached as I walked, like they were too heavy for their sockets.

On top of everything else, my laptop is broken after only having it for three months. I don't know how it happened. I put it away safely one night earlier this week, and when I turned it on the next morning, there was a big ugly black circle in the corner and white lines radiating. It looks like the screen has actually been physically damaged, but I can't figure out how. Apart from the obvious issue of sorting out a repair and finding the money to pay for it, it means I've also lost my main coping mechanism of gaming. And so this week I've been drinking every night for the past six days (although last night I only managed two vodkas before my stomach wanted to reject them).

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update, and that most of it is just whining. But I do want to say thank you to those who've contacted me to check if I'm okay. It means a lot, especially when I have so little social contact outside of the blogosphere. I'll try to make my next update more cheerful.



  1. Hey Bella, sorry I haven’t commented on your posts for a long time. I just wanted you to know that I read every one of them and think of you often.
    It sucks about having your house on the market and every time I read your posts I always wonder why your Mum can’t try to be more supportive? I understand that it must be hard for her watching you suffer and be so self destructive but I can’t understand why she won’t help take you to appointments or teach you to drive, even spending some quality time with you might be so helpful for you.

    I hope that you’re able to get to your appointments once all your house things are sorted out and I hope that sometime really soon something comes up that will allow you to get the level of care you truely deserve and need.

    Please try to take care of yourself x x x

  2. hey there love muffin <3

    "Moving out looks like it'll be happening earlier than I thought." no! it was already too early to begin with! and end of May?? that's crazy.

    this breaks my heart, honey. it sucks that all this is happening so quick! and the strangers thing! my God! i don't even know what to say to that... i wish i did. :(

    yourself is the best person i've ever met. i wouldn't want anyone to hurt you, not even yourself. honey, please take care of yourself as much as you can. it's a really stressful situation, and it's near impossible to deal with but you've survived so much. i know that might not come as a comfort for you, but i really am rooting for you. you're the best and you deserve the best of the best of the best... this rubbish is honestly unacceptable!

    i don't understand why mum wouldn't take five minutes of her day to do that. i'm gobsmacked. i have no idea what to think of her and she always seems to surprise me with her behaviour!

    i love you so much, honey. i wish i had something to say :(

    you know you can talk to me whenever, right? <3

    - Sam Lupin

  3. I'm very relieved your liver is ok. These things can take a sudden turn for the worst and it was on my mind.

    You really need a social worker. Sometimes they can help with housing too. I know it differs from state to state but you actually need help arranging all your needs. Has tour psych or gp put you in touch with any services?

  4. *your

    You can ask your gp about a social worker or even ring centrelink. I'm surprised this has never come up in your hospital admissions.
    But anyway, they can help with practical things. I think you could use some outside help. Is there any social housing in your area? X

  5. I honestly don't know what to say other than I care about you, and I am sorry that you are going through this. Please take care of yourself.

  6. You have a million things happening, wow. Hope everything goes better for you soon.

  7. So it has been a while. What is happening now?

    1. I'll try get a post up in the next few days - things have been hectic and I'm not really coping so any quiet days have been spent in bed and/or drinking.

      But I did want to say thank you regarding your earlier comment. I'd never actually thought about social workers, but I mentioned it to both my mum and brother the day I got your comment, and they both agree I should have a social worker and are surprised I've never been assigned one while in hospital. No one's ever mentioned it. After bringing it up, both my GP and psych agree I should get one (and are now trying to organize it as well as applying for NDIS). Having someone to help coordinate everything could really help, especially with moving out and living alone. So I want to say thank you so much for bringing up something that my team/hospital never have, otherwise it wouldn't be happening.


  8. Hey thanks! Hope your care gets more coordinated. X