I've been settling back in at home and
trying to find a routine again.
Last week I had two appointments on
Tuesday, first with my dietician and second with my GP, a few hours
apart. I figured I'd try to get out and go to my favourite fabric
store while I was out, and maybe grab a coffee.
I haven't gone out much at all this
year, compared to the past few. I was doing well at going out once a
month, until I saw my abusive ex at a restaurant last year.
When I saw my GP, I felt an
overwhelming sense of guilt and blame. Talking about the overdose,
she aid she get into as much trouble as I do. That she beats herself
up and asked herself “Oh why did I do that?”.
She's got me on contract to keep seeing my new psychologist every two
weeks, or else she won't keep prescribing my medication. I have to
see her for at least six months before I could even make the decision
to see someone different.
The fabric store was right across the
road to the medical centre. I haven't been for years, and not since
they moved shops some years ago. I used to be in there constantly
when I spent a lot of time in town. They were closing for good on
Thursday, so for the past couple of weeks I've been determined to get
in one last time.
When we got there and parked across the
road, right in front of the medical centre, their sign wasn't out. I
started to panic. After having a mini freak-out in the car, mum
walked across to check, as I couldn't bring myself to.
It was a huge knock to find out they
weren't open that day, after spending all morning getting dressed up
all nice, doing my hair and make-up, and just psyching myself up to
venturing forth. Even going for a coffee to kill the time before my
appointment was too much, so I sat in the car and smoked until it was
time to go in.
The next day, I couldn't bring myself
to do it. I kept it in the back of my mind in case I felt up to it,
but on Thursday, I pushed myself to try again. I knew I'd regret it
if I didn't.
The store itself was very empty. There
were maybe eight bolts of fabric, plus some zips and a few near-empty
rolls of lace and trims. They even had the actual store fittings for
sale. I picked up the last five meters of a black and white lip print
cotton, plus 10 various zips, mostly purple. I don't know when I'll
use them, but at such a low price, I had to grab some. I also grabbed
what was left on a roll of a blue-grey lace, which I'm sure will come
in handy for a sewing or craft project one day.
Even just going out for a 15 minute
shop was exhausting. It's been so many years since I've gone out
regularly except for my appointments. I'm hoping to get back to my
'once a month' goal next year, but I don't know.
It
also looks like I'm going to be learning how to drive, to work around
mum's new rule of not driving me to appointments or anywhere.
Instead, I'll drive and she can supervise. I did get my learner's
permit when I was 16, and have a good understanding of the road
rules, but driving makes me so nervous. My total experience amounts
to five minutes around a quiet industrial area after I first got my
permit. I'm planning to get behind the wheel later this week, so this will be interesting...
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So glad you managed to do your shopping!
ReplyDeleteAnd good luck with the driving! I know I had a hard time with driving for years. Eventually it got much better (or maybe I got a better car lol)
xoxo
Glad you managed to get there in the end. It's so frustrating when you psych yourself up to do something and it doesn't go to plan. You managed to get it done in the end though!
ReplyDeleteI've still not learnt to drive myself, never got round to it, so I hope it goes well! Feeling a bit more independent can only be a good thing.
Re the sugar free squash thing? Oh God yes! Haha! That has always been my problem. I always measure out the concentrate, and I have it super strong, so it works out at about 16kcal per glass on average, which as you said does really add up! Same when I was drinking a lot of Pepsi max in the summer. I also struggle to imagine not weighing herbs and spices and I do weigh out porridge things because ratios are important.
Cheese and marmite toasties are my ultimate favourite thing, but when I make them I don't compromise on the kcal, so they're kind of overwhelming. I am going to slowly work back up to them too. Probably going to try it with pittas first, or do half a toastie (they do really need butter!) But yeah, this is the first time I've actually been enjoying food. I've never not restricted or binged before (and I'm not entirely sure how much of my 'binge food' I did like.) It is amazing how a small increase has really changed my perspective though...
I feel much the same about inpatient. I think it is a one size fits all approach, and I've known so many people go in and come out virtually unchanged. I don't know how much I could comply to rigid rules, and set weight targets, and as the dietician says, I'll have to come out at some point. Plus what I used to hate about living with my folks was having to have meals at certain times and food I didn't often want to eat, it's far more fun being able to eat my own food. Hoping to get cooking again too. If I'm comfortable with baking then there's no reason I can't cook I feel!
Ps. Love the nails.
Xxx