Two weeks ago, I
spent the first night in my bedroom for years.
It mightn't sound
like much, but it's a big step for me. After an abusive relationship
as a teenager, I stopped sleeping in there. I would spend my nights
on the couch, viewing my bedroom as little more than a crime scene.
Despite getting a new bed and replacing furniture shortly after, it doesn't change
the room and the memories the walls contain.
I did sleep in
there for a while, when my ex moved in. But when we broke up, it
didn't take long for me to land back on the couch.
It's been
difficult. The first night had me so on edge, I drank 500ml of vodka,
plus a few glasses of wine. I still have to have had a few drinks,
and/or a few extra oxazepam, to be in there, and I have to keep
myself distracted. There is constantly something playing on the TV,
and I try to forget where I am.
As hard as it is,
it's nice to have somewhere to hide away again. If I can isolate and
get away, maybe the threats to kick me out will lessen. One of the
conditions of being allowed to come home after my last hospital trip
was that I stop sleeping on the couch. If I can spend more time in
there, you wouldn't even know I'm here.
It took a few
weeks to try to get everything organised. On days I had the energy,
I'd spend a few hours a day shuffling furniture, cleaning from
ceiling to floor, moving boxes to and from the study, unpacking and
sorting, organising my clothes, putting up hooks for belts and bags
and coats, and just trying to find places for everything. I even got
a new cheap table to give me more display space.
It still hasn't
changed the room or the memories, but in a way, it's helped.
Misty is loving
it. She stays at the foot of the bed all day. Billy is getting older,
and can't jump up on the bed any more, or even jump down, but he will
wake me up to get a hand.
One bonus is that,
being able to isolate myself, it makes it easier to avoid dinner.
Even though I cook my own safe dinners 99% of the time, and rarely
join in on family meals, I can just forget about routine and meal
times, just like when I'm home alone.
I have also been
working on the study, mostly just stacking boxes until I can get the
storage furniture I need, but hopefully my little sewing room will be
completed in not too long.
I've also been
trying to get some actual sewing done, although it's difficult with
my machines currently inaccessible. I've been working on repairing a
couple of corsets – one that I wore daily for a long time, and the
last one I made before I took a long hiatus some 7 years ago but
didn't get the chance to wear much before I misplaced it for a long time. It's all by hand – replacing grommets
and the bias binding – just fixing things that I could've done
better. But it's something.
Just a short
update for today. For now, here are a few photos from around my room.
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