I'd Rather be Dreaming...

The day after my last post, I met the dreaded new psychologist; the latest in what seems to be an endless stream of changing mental health professionals. I haven't seen anyone except my GP and dietician since January, so I guess I had a good run.

Thankfully, my GP was there for most of it, meaning I didn't have to say much at all. It's not easy to hear the introductory speech she does with new psychs though. Going over my life history and trauma and all this crappy stuff sends my brain into overload.

After she left for the last 15 minutes, I didn't talk much. My eyes were fixed on the same spot on the floor the entire time. It was mostly just getting more details on my history, but I hate having to talk about it.

She thinks we should focus on distress tolerance with bits of DBT to start with, but go slowly with easing in to therapy regarding the actual issues. She also wants to work on alternatives to self-harm and overdosing when I feel overwhelmed. Both she and my GP agreed to leave the ED in the dietician's hands though, and not to go into it unless I bring it up.

I saw her again on Friday. She talked about self-harm triggers, overwhelming emotions, and how I cope with them. She gave me some handouts on distress tolerance, crisis survival skills, and a few pages with distraction and self-soothing techniques

One of the crisis survival skills is called 'STOP'. It stands for Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed mindfully. Basically, when you hit a crisis, you need to stop and not just react straight away, take a step back from the situation, notice what you're thinking and feeling, what's going on around you, how you feel inside, and think about what actions will make the situation better or worse.

So far, the appointments have been pretty uneventful, which is to be expected when there's not really 'talking therapy' and instead learning new coping strategies. I'm still doubtful that she'll be able to help me, but I guess we'll see how it goes.

The initial referral is for 10 appointments over the course of a year. She wants me to go in every second week, so that's going to disappear quickly. She asked my thoughts about changing the referral to 10 sessions over eight weeks, since I have suicidal thoughts, but it's way too often to leave the house and deal with a new team member. For the moment, it's sticking to the initial referral, although the more intensive referral can be activated at any point.

One thing I'm dreading is that, after the first few appointments, the psychologist will start walking with me instead of my GP, which is completely understandable, but it's still freaking me out. The psych will join my GP on the walk home next time, but after that, no more Jo.

On a final note, I'm sorry I keep disappearing. I'm trying to keep up to date on reading, and trying to comment as much as I can, but posting has just felt like too much. Every day, I tell myself I'll get a blog post done, but every day I put it off until tomorrow.

This past month or so, the depression has been overwhelming. I feel so low, most days I just lay comatose and watch the same old series over and over again, just trying to get through each day as quickly as possible. My life is going no where, and I keep wondering why I'm even here. I feel guilty for spending all day in bed medicating instead of sewing or doing other productive things, but right now, I just can't do it.

xxBella

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On Friday, at the insistence of my GP, I'll be going to meet a new psychologist. I've told her time and time again that I don't want to see anybody. After cycling through so many different mental health professionals for over half of my life, I don't believe they can help me, and at this point, I just don't want to talk anymore. No one's ever managed to improve my mental health at all. It's just been a steady decline over the years.

As much as I don't want to, I'm not being given much of a choice. My GP can't continue to see me without psychological support, which is fair enough. Just like when I started seeing my dietician, I had to find a GP to cover the medical side of things.

But at this point, I just don't want to talk.

I've had a hard time trying to work myself up to posting about the past few weeks. Even things as usual as my appointments, I haven't been able to find words for. There have been some rough times, and at the moment, all I do is medicate, drink, exercise, and sleep.

When I saw my GP a couple of weeks ago, she told me she'd be making an appointment with this new psychologist and would text me the details. She's forewarned me about it for the last couple of appointments, so I knew it was coming. She'll walk me there and be present for the first few appointments. It's just a few blocks down the street, about halfway between my house and my GP and dietician's offices.

It was our third or fourth appointment where she's walked me to and from for appointments with herself and my dietician. Usually we weave through the back lanes to avoid the busyness of the main streets. This time, she took me along the main streets, which was loud and stressful. On the way back, she agreed to go back to using the lanes.

She asked me which would be less stressful if I was walking alone, but I still don't know. The solitude of the lanes makes it easier, but by the same token, makes me anxious because I worry I would be an easy target and no one would be able to see if something happened.

As always, it was really good to see the dietician. I miss our weekly appointments so much, as I now only see her every month or so due to the transport issue.

At the moment, her focus is to try to reduce the calories I drink in alcohol and replace them with food, so I'll be getting actual nutrients. But if I cut back on drinking, I'll take the weight loss over more food any day. I've had four or five days off drinking in the last two weeks, and without alcohol, my intakes were between 400-700.

She also wants me to try to at least have one supplement each day. Whenever I consider it, my first thought is always "I could have this, or five vodkas". I did try for about a week and a half. Some days I was even having two. On sober days, it was tolerable, but when I eat, drink, and have a supplement, it freaks me out. After my weight started creeping up, I cut them back this week, and have only been having them every other day (which is still a lot). 

I spoke with both her and my GP about how to cut back on the drinking. To my credit, I am now having a day or two off each week, and try to keep my drinks around 6-8, instead of struggling to stay under 10. All that really helps is medicating excessively or smoking (and it's been a few months since I last smoked). Both agreed that neither is an ideal replacement. But basically all of my sober days in recent weeks have been because I've knocked myself out with extra meds around the time I would usually start drinking.

For now, I'm just going to try to relax and ignore the fact that in 48 hours I'm going to be sitting down with yet another stranger. I didn't drink yesterday, so tonight I'm going to have my Halloween movie marathon, then try not to drink tomorrow to make sure I'm not hungover for the psych appointment. This time, I think I'm going to ask my GP to give me a copy of the mysterious letters she always hands to new psychs (one of which is from my first psychiatrist at age 12 who I never really talked with, and I'm really curious to see what he said that was so very important).

Wish me luck.


xxBella