In my last couple of posts, I briefly mentioned the fact that I'm trying to cut my drinking back.
Trying to drink less has been a huge challenge. For the first five weeks of the year, I was doing well. I have having a 50-50 balance of drinking and sober days, and which that mightn't seem like much, it's a big step from only having one day off each week (if I was lucky).
Unfortunately, the last week and a half has been a disaster. Mum announced that she was planning on downsizing for a smaller house later this year, and I will have to find a few place to life.
I've been drinking every day since (11 days, so far. 12 if I drink tonight.)
And I cannot function. I try to distract myself, but I can't focus. Every little thing triggers more worries and problems, and there have been too many days that I end up in tears.
How do I afford to get furniture and appliances and even the little things like getting a kitchen stocked with utensils? How will I cope taking care of Billy and Misty by self? How will I cope with being so isolated, more so than I already am? How will I find a place that allows pets? How can I even afford it?
Most shopping, I'll be able to do online, but I feel I'd need to venture into a supermarket for the first time in years, so I can peruse the aisles to make sure I don't miss any essentials, and that is terrifying.
I am scared shitless.
So I drink.
At least, I do feel like a piece of shit and a failure when I do drink, and while it's not exactly a healthy thought, it's reinforcing that it doesn't make me feel good anymore. If anything, sometimes it just numbs the pain a little.
I'm trying to drink only when I'm distressed, depressed, or have breakdowns, and medication doesn't help – I very rarely drink out of boredom or fun anymore. But this past week or two, sometimes it's hard to get through until midday before I hit the bottle.
I'm trying to limit myself to one bottle a vodka a week (a 1L bottle, mind you), instead of 2-3. Again, this was working find for the first five weeks of the year, but this week, I've already been through two bottles.
There was one thing that really helped in the first couple of weeks of trying to cut back on drinking. Gaming, my other true vice. And now with a new laptop, the world is my oyster. The first week I had my laptop, I gamed for roughly 70 hours, although it's cut back to a more reasonable amount now. But being able to get sucked into that world, it just makes everything so much easier.
I did in fact renew my WoW subscription last week. I was playing 8-10 hours a day for the first few days, but again, it's cut back. Sadly, even gaming can't help me escape from having to deal with moving out right now.
(If any of you lovely people use Steam or play WoW, drop me comment (or email, if you'd prefer, which is on the side of my blog)).
I know blogger's been quite lately (where's the annual New Years flood of new people?), but I'm always glad to know that you guys are still sticking in there and not just gravitating to instagram and whatnot.
Trying to drink less has been a huge challenge. For the first five weeks of the year, I was doing well. I have having a 50-50 balance of drinking and sober days, and which that mightn't seem like much, it's a big step from only having one day off each week (if I was lucky).
Unfortunately, the last week and a half has been a disaster. Mum announced that she was planning on downsizing for a smaller house later this year, and I will have to find a few place to life.
I've been drinking every day since (11 days, so far. 12 if I drink tonight.)
And I cannot function. I try to distract myself, but I can't focus. Every little thing triggers more worries and problems, and there have been too many days that I end up in tears.
How do I afford to get furniture and appliances and even the little things like getting a kitchen stocked with utensils? How will I cope taking care of Billy and Misty by self? How will I cope with being so isolated, more so than I already am? How will I find a place that allows pets? How can I even afford it?
Most shopping, I'll be able to do online, but I feel I'd need to venture into a supermarket for the first time in years, so I can peruse the aisles to make sure I don't miss any essentials, and that is terrifying.
I am scared shitless.
So I drink.
At least, I do feel like a piece of shit and a failure when I do drink, and while it's not exactly a healthy thought, it's reinforcing that it doesn't make me feel good anymore. If anything, sometimes it just numbs the pain a little.
I'm trying to drink only when I'm distressed, depressed, or have breakdowns, and medication doesn't help – I very rarely drink out of boredom or fun anymore. But this past week or two, sometimes it's hard to get through until midday before I hit the bottle.
I'm trying to limit myself to one bottle a vodka a week (a 1L bottle, mind you), instead of 2-3. Again, this was working find for the first five weeks of the year, but this week, I've already been through two bottles.
There was one thing that really helped in the first couple of weeks of trying to cut back on drinking. Gaming, my other true vice. And now with a new laptop, the world is my oyster. The first week I had my laptop, I gamed for roughly 70 hours, although it's cut back to a more reasonable amount now. But being able to get sucked into that world, it just makes everything so much easier.
I did in fact renew my WoW subscription last week. I was playing 8-10 hours a day for the first few days, but again, it's cut back. Sadly, even gaming can't help me escape from having to deal with moving out right now.
(If any of you lovely people use Steam or play WoW, drop me comment (or email, if you'd prefer, which is on the side of my blog)).
I know blogger's been quite lately (where's the annual New Years flood of new people?), but I'm always glad to know that you guys are still sticking in there and not just gravitating to instagram and whatnot.
Oh, and on a final note, this year I ended up as #15 on the
so now I have a shiny medal to show you all.
xxBella
This must be a tough one sweetie. If you don't mind me asking: do you have any source of income at all?
ReplyDeleteSo sorry things are so difficult for you
xoxoxo
I hope the drinking gets better honey.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that things are difficult for you. I hope you can find a new place smoothly. Could you get your brother to help or stay with you for a transition period?
I would say that gaming is a much better coping mechanism than drinking! At least you know now that it helps sometimes. I do have a steam account but I don't use it much haha. Most of the games I play are silly.
Congrats on the medal!
I would be happy to help if there's financial trouble? You can start a gofundme or something similar? xo (I'm not sure if this is appropriate to suggest so I'm sorry if it's not)
Love,
Christie
I'm not sure how things work where you are, but maybe you could get some sort of social support to help with the moving stuff? Like a social worker or something? Just someone who can help you navigating getting affordable, safe housing and all the essentials. I bet your GP would know if that's a possibility. I'm so sorry that on top of everything else, this has been thrust on you. I wish I lived closer Bells, I'd help you in a heartbeat! Don't forget that you're so special to so many people across the world! Love and hugs! xx
ReplyDelete