Saturday, 28 June 2014

Beyond Repair

Winter has well and truly set in this week.
Tuesday morning, it was 6°c and pouring down rain with gale-force winds. Everything was making me cry. Getting dressed was a nightmare. Trying to find something different but settling on the same old trackies-and-hoodie, looking at clothes and clutter everywhere and getting angry at myself for taking up so much space. I found my weigh-day shoes (they only weigh 172g!) soaking wet on the back porch and I just started crying 'fuck it all' over and over again. 

Mum kept asking if I wanted to cancel my appointment with the dietician, but if I don't go, I don't have much other routine in my week. Thankfully the clinic is only about 500 meters down the road, so I still made it there on time.

I went in with my face red and puffy and cried all through the appointment. My intake's been strange, anywhere between 500-900 calories. She asked if I'd been doing any cooking and I told her that no, I'd been lazy, to which she said "you've been resting". But seriously. My intake on the day mum was away, was a glass of iced coffee flavored milk (190) with my morning meds and a slice of my brother's frozen pizza (215) for dinner, plus my usual coffee, Coke Zero, etc.. Things that are never a part of my diet, simply because it was convenient and I couldn't be bothered fussing with much else. Sigh. Disgusting. 

I only exercised once that past week, for half an hour on the step. I've just been totally exhausted and haven't felt up to it. The dietician said that I shouldn't be exercising at all, that I need rest, both mentally and physically. I told her that the Lung Doctor Man/specialist said I should be exercising. Then we got into a discussion about the definition of 'exercise'. When I last saw the specialist in November, he asked about what exercise equipment I had (like a treadmill or exercise bike, he said - I have an elliptical) and instructed me to use it for half an hour "in front of the TV" each day. I think that's pretty clear.  

She went on to say we need to look at the big picture and take care of my mental health as well as my physical health, and gave some analogy about wrapping me in cotton wool. I hysterically burst into tears again, saying that in November the specialist said exactly "we can't keep you wrapped in cotton wool".

She's told me to have the week off exercise, to try to be kind to myself about it, and we'll reassess next week. I see the specialist the week after, and I'm dreading what he's going to say about it. Don't get me wrong, he's a brilliant physician and he does try to understand my MH issues (let's not forget, he's the one who got me on lorazepam), but we clash when it comes to exercise. I made a three week plan from discharge to get my exercise back up to 2-3 hours a day by the time I had my checkup, but I never made it past two days. I did half an hour yesterday, just so I could say I've done something, but I physically couldn't manage more than that. 

The next day I saw the Mental Health Nurse. I felt like a major waste of time because I just couldn't talk. I think the most I said was "I just feel very low". She asked why, what triggered it, but there was just nothing. I kept my eyes fixed downward and held back tears, letting out frustrated sighs, shifting in my chair, running my hands through my hair over and over again. She said I looked more 'alive' in hospital, that I didn't look well, and she hoped I wasn't getting sick again.

I left after maybe fifteen minutes. The next morning I made an appointment for the following week. I think maybe I need to see her earlier in the day, not at 4pm when I'm so exhausted. I just feel so disappointed in myself. I'm at the end of my rope. When I wake up in the morning, I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day. I need to be able to talk but I couldn't say more than a few words. 

This morning I woke up crying before I even got off the couch. I just want to sink into the floor and disappear. 

To top things off, my laptop, my Alienware, is dead. Completely. Components have melted, beyond repair type-dead. I am devastated. I don't use it a lot (I'm mostly a smartphone blogger), but I'd started using it again in hospital and it was helping to give me a distraction. I bought it maybe four years ago when I was super into gaming, but I've barely used it for two. The hard drive's being retrieved but not guaranteed to work, and to be honest, I'm not holding out much hope. PSA: backup your computers, ladies! (because this moron sure didn't)



  1. i have to say that whilst i do not want to write comments on anyone else's blogs today, you are always the exception to the rule, my darling.
    you are not taking up "so much space". and i cannot believe you have weigh-day shoes. that made me smile.
    i'm a convenient girl. i do not cook and i do not know how to cook. and my intakes are always based on convenience food. i used to weigh a lot of packaged foods.
    don't feel bad because you're not exercising. in fact, don't feel guilty for things you cannot control (and i don't care if your head says you can control it. you can't)* if you pay attention to anything in this comment, it better be this one. <3 i love you.
    that made me cringe. i'm not happy about her saying that you looked more alive in the hospital. that just sounds so wrong on so many levels. i hope that your infection's clearing up, or that it's gotten better.
    i'm so sorry to hear you've been in such a slump for so long. i genuinely do want you to feel better.
    "This morning I woke up crying before I even got off the couch. I just want to sink into the floor and disappear. " noooo, don't sink into the floor and disappear. we all want you around for as long as you are meant to be, darling.
    i'm not going to start off with all that crap about a light at the end of the tunnel and things get better and whatnot - i will tell you that i do wish and hope the best for you every single day, and i genuinely do hope every time i see a post from you that i'd see things getting better.
    i love you loads, Bella darling.
    i always tell myself i will back-up my things, but i never do. *le sigh* there was a time when i was obsessed about backing up everything every day.

    -Sam Lupin

  2. I'm sorry things are so rough right now. I've been there. I still am some days. I'll sleep until the afternoon or wake up and refuse to get out of bed. I can't even remember the last time I cooked for myself. I have crying days.

    I guess I don't have a lot of advice, but I wanted to say it's ok to have those times. Times where everything is hard and everything makes you cry and you can't talk. Do what you can manage.

    In the AA group I go to, they talk about the 5 alive (which I have never seen in any book). Basically, it is the 5 things you have to do each day. Get up. Get dressed and whatever else. I think some people have bigger goals, but for me it's just those simple ones: get out of bed, eat a couple times, shower, feed my cats, and to at least watch tv or something instead of sitting in silence. I don't know if something like that would be helpful, but it came to mind as I was typing this.

  3. Bella dear please do not worry about not commenting
    We understand
    I understand
    I know when you are feeling like this that every little thing is an effort
    I know you are reading and that is more than enough

    I am so sorry that things are tough right now
    I know that place only too well
    Please believe me when I say that no matter how bad things get, there is always hope
    Heck if a fuck up like me can start to turn things around
    Then you most definitely can
    But I won't go on about that
    I know that probably seems impossible right now

    I wish I could do more to help
    I would love to have a cuppa and a smoke with you
    And have a really good chat
    That would be so amazing

    In the mean time Bells, take care of yourself as much as you can

    I love you to bits and pieces x

  4. I hope you get better soon.
    Love from all across the globe.

  5. "Those are some interesting soups... Angus steak and vege is the only one I can even imagine what it tastes like."
    all of my soups are canned for one.
    angus steak and veg is similar to the most basic crockpot anyone would make (just with more liquid obviously) - slightly firm potatoes, mushy peas, onion (amount practically non-existent), soft carrots, a very small amount of steak but whatever was there of it was very nicely cooked. very succulent. if i could generally eat it out of a can without getting disgusted, then it tastes nice warmed up.
    spiced tomato, rice and sweetcorn is alright - its mostly a tomato soup base, with a few specks of rice. heavy on the spices for my palate. there's not much sweetcorn.
    oxtail cup-a-soup. this just tastes like wamth and salt. i always forget how this tastes like/smells like. just that i like it. plus, "oxtail" sounds posh.
    carrot and butterbean soup. this is nice. it's a carrot soup base, with a few small bits of cut vegetables that i don't notice, and a nice amount of butterbean. it definitely compliments it all. there's enough butterbean that i do not get bored out of this one.
    mushroom potage - cream of mushroom soup, just made with heavier cream. this one is made with "woodland mushrooms". i can only imagine Snow White's mushrooms being plucked from her hands and served in my soup.
    my Fathe rmakes nice soups. very creamy and low-fat if mushroom soup, and he made me a harira soup once with low-sodium ingredients because he knows about how much i loathe going over my sodium limit. harira is morroccan (my Father made mine with flour, tomato concentrate, chickpeas, onions, olive oil, a bunch of spices, lamb, vermicelli rice.)
    thank you for missing my posts. that sounds odd, but i smiled because you said that.
    "Big hugs to you sweetheart. I'm saddened that you feel this way, where Nothing can be so overwhelming. I wish I had more helpful words. If I could, I'd teleport over there and give you the biggest hug, and we could spend all day discussing the finer points of weighing food." same to you, my love.
    "And thank you for your kind words love. I know words are hard to find right now but your comments always make me smile, even just for a little while." and hearing my comments make you smile always makes me smile. i genuinely am glad that i got to know you. my life would've lost quite a lot of value had i not met you. i swear you are one of the only few people that gets the "food in grams" thing. i love that you can picture certain foods in grams. i genuinely think you are the only person i know that can do that.

    have i written your name in Arabic?
    i shall.
    Bella <3
    i have to say i searched it in Arabic and found Bella Swan (Twilight series girl). i had to say i have to think of her when i read the name Bella (though you must excuse me - i actually do like Twilight. the books made quite a bit of my younger years).

    -Sam Lupin

  6. hello little starshine starsister whom I love with all my broken heart to the moon and back and beyond, im sorry you're struggling so much andd that im being so shitty in supporting you, i love you, please know that - and if you need your laptop back, I'll happily send this one your way, it is yours afterall and I can probably afford to buy a new one on my credit card if you want this back? let me know anyway. I understand the tears and the not being able to speak, having an earlier appointment sounds like a good idea, but eitherway, although you hate the silence, she's there to support you whether you sit in silence or talk, she can see you're struggling if you cant speak just as much as if you talk and cry, and hopefully in time it will be easier to talk, like has happened with me and clare over time from when i used to sit in silence and then leave and burst into tears. love you little one xxxx

    this made me smile so i'm hoping it does for you too.

    -Sam Lupin

  8. If it's consolation, I've been eating random things that I never really eat too. I've also been drunk eating a lot too. I'm sorry you've felt so tired. Your doctor's probably right though, you need to be resting.. lung doc guy doesn't sound like the funnest guy, I don't know. I hope this week gives your more energy. I'll enjoy the warmth for you, it's been around 32 C here. Love you to bits.

  9. Yay for us! I've never gotten into Pokemon but maybe that's next for me :P Love you deary!

  10. "I'm worried for you dear." the feeling is mutual, darling. i've been worried for you for an increasingly long time.
    it's alright, darling. i do not feel much pain. i do not feel much of anything at all. then again, my mind argues - it is constantly in that 'i do not feel pain but i am in so much pain' feeling that i do not know how to respond to it, you see.
    you are quite adorable. Pokeman? <3

    ah, i love you, darling.
    take care.

    -Sam Lupin

  11. It must be so bewildering to hear all this contrasting advice from different authorities. I'm so sorry you feel so low and I hope you begin to feel more upbeat soon. And, props to you for knowing how to blog on your smartphone. It's basically a miracle that I can even turn mine on.
    <3 Lee