Monday, 16 June 2014


I've been home for a few days now. They discharged me on Thursday, after eleven days in hospital.

I'm still feeling very weak and just generally exhausted, but I'm a lot better than I was two weeks ago. The infection is clearing, I'm breathing easier and in a lot less pain. Not better, but getting there. It's surreal, and a bit scary, to think of how physically sick I was when I was admitted. 

I'm on another course of antibiotics (hopefully the last), the prednisolone is being reduced and I'm not on as many painkillers. I'll be seeing The Lung Doctor Man in a few weeks for a check-up and to test my lung capacity etc., and I see my GP next week. After all the tests from the bronchoscopy, they found a bacteria which was likely the cause of this flare up, but nothing too serious. There's that sick part of my mind that was hoping for something more sinister.

Being in hospital was torture as far as agoraphobia and other anxieties go. I was literally dropped into the middle of the CBD in a totally unfamiliar environment, and it got pretty terrifying at times. Most of the time I was too terrified to leave my room (thank god my insurance covers private rooms). My daily walks, once allowed, were the 50-odd meters to and from the tea & coffee closet - but only during times the halls would be quiet. The thought of going down to the 'busy' foyer (it wasn't really busy, in reality) to buy a can of Coke Zero from the vending machine was too much, and so mum would get one for me on her way up. Whenever I did get out of bed, the nurses would gasp at my height, saying they didn't expect me to be so tall. Nine times out of ten, this was followed by the obligatory "You should be a model!" comment. Smile, laugh, nod.

The staff were all wonderful, especially the nurses and pastoral care. They mightn't be trained in mental health, but they really do their best to understand when I try to explain that I'm one of those weirdos who literally doesn't leave the house. Apart from medical appointments, I've only left the house four times since the start of the year. I am so, so scared, of everything.

The first thing I did, the first thing I always do after being discharged, was smoke. Two cigarettes inhaled during the 10-minute drive home, then I shrunk into my armchair with my pipe and blasted off into eternity. It's the only thing that stops me feeling so completely overwhelmed all the time. Eleven days clean was enough. I haven't had a break this long for... since ED inpatient, three years ago.

I had great plans for exercise when I first came home, but my body can't keep up with my head. Maybe it was pushing it a little hard to expect daily exercise, starting immediately. I still feel so weak after being in bed for eleven days, not to mention the lack of activity in the weeks leading up to admission. On Friday I managed 15 minutes of step aerobics plus 15 minutes cardio boxing on the Wii, which was refreshing yet exhausting, but slacked off over the weekend. I did 20 minutes on the step earlier today and I feel totally wrecked. I use a pedometer to calculate my steps per minute, and in that regard I've definitely slowed down, but that's to be expected I guess. It's just disappointing because even though no amount of exercise is ever 'enough', I can't even come close right now.

My dietician came to visit me in hospital on Tuesday afternoon, which was amazing. It's always strange to have Tuesday mornings without her. She'd asked mum for my phone number in the morning, but even texting has been a struggle lately and I just couldn't do it. Instead she came in to visit quickly after she'd finished work, and it made a horrible day a million times better. I was supposed to have a proper appointment with her on the day I was discharged, later in the afternoon, but I physically couldn't get there. Walking out to the car left me coughing and breathless, and I just couldn't do it, but it might've been pushing it anyway. I see her tomorrow for our regular appointment anyway, and it'll be so good to catch up. I haven't seen her since the 27th - that's three weeks!

I'm a hoarder at heart, and one of the things I refuse to throw away is pill cups. Over the years some have been damaged or lost, but I try to keep as many as possible. They come in so much handy, especially for measuring and weighing food.



  1. So glad you are home Bells and feeling a little better
    You and your body have been through a lot so it's no wonder that you are exhausted
    Take care of yourself as best you can
    Rest and be kind to you
    I'm thinking of you and sending you all the love I can muster

    Ps I love measure!
    I need them for my methadone although most of the time I eye ball it

    Love you to bits and pieces x

  2. I'm glad you feel better than you were before going to hospital. Exhaustion is no fun, especially with sleep problems. Hopefully, you can sleep it off.
    Fingers crossed for no more antibiotics needed when you're off these. And reducing your others sounds like it's either really good or bad so I'm not sure what to say to that :)
    I'm glad it was only a bacteria and nothing worse. Although I hate bacteria after studying it. Doesn't pneumonia usually overpower H. influenza unless it's for a duration of time? I blame the pneumonia for making you sicker (you did have it recently, didn't you?). No more sickness for you now!

    You've done remarkably well with 11 days in hospital with your anxieties; and with explaining them too! Hats off to the nurses who did their best to understand. They sound wonderful- as does your dietician. I really hope your appointment with her goes well.

    lots of love <3

  3. glad that you're back at home, my butterfly. x
    i'm glad that you're getting better. and yes, it is very frightening seeing you in the state that you were. honestly, when you talked about your fevers and your breathing and whatnot, i did want to put you in a bubble and keep you there for some time.
    when you said bacteria, my heart just stopped and then i looked at your link and stared at it. then i pulled out the bacteriology websites, and nodded my head every now and then. not sure about virulence of it. though i am not happy that is Gram-negative. those things are generally harder to kill than Gram-positive. wait. i just want to know what you're treating it with...
    the first thing you did after you were discharged from your respiratory tract infection was...*sighs deeply* oh my Bella.
    i also use a pedo. i hope that our appointment goes well. also, i'm hoping that you get better and better. wishing you good things only, Bella darling xxx
    pill cups for measuring or weighing food? *pauses for a minute* oh yes. i can see this!!!! you're brilliant. taking an insider tip for when i become a doc. :P steal all the pill cups.

    comment reply to your comment my post:
    i'd love to mono on magical frosting that you'd made me. oh, they're importing things from Australia in my supermarket for some time now (not sure for how long). i've gotten something to mono on that you've mentioned before. ;3 (as in you linked me to it before) now let's see if it's magical enough to make me lose weight. i just have to create a deficit now and see how it goes.

    -Sam Lupin

  4. Oh honey-- I really hope you feel better soon *hugs*

  5. I'm glad you're home I would feel so helpless if I was stuck in a hospital for more than a few days, much less eleven. Improving is better than nothing. It's good to see an update hon. Love you so much, keep improving.

  6. Good to hear from you honey and even cooler to see you've got home and that it wasn't nothing too serious. Because it was scary, you were in bad shape when they put you there. Eleven days is a long time to be stuck there, I hate hospitals, but you know I share the love of pill cups. I used to drink water from those that I got my grandma, specially the cute pink ones :D.

    Love you! Stay alive and focus on getting better ok, we want to see you update for long time to come.

  7. I'm glad you're getting better. What a scare! How is it, transitioning back to home? Thanks for your encouraging comments dear. I'm losing my mind out here. And anything is good for drawing. It doesn't matter what. A cat or a face or anything. It just helps if it's for someone, because I have more motivation to do it. LOVES.

  8. firstly, i hope that you're doing better.
    also, like Tat says, stay alive dammit.

    comment reply to your comments on my blogs:
    it is very much an elephant in the room. it's still odd today.
    ah! we have that in common then. that's about 90% of the reason why i want to lose weight. the more boy-like and less female i like, the safer i feel more so. the more "oh, i am not an object of romance and i do not look desirable."

    definitely milk chocolate.
    i dislike the dark chocolate ones actually. they're very strong for me. i think it's just me. i like coffee too and love drinking it - however, mine has to be infused with a lot of milk/cream, etc, to make me able to tolerate it. i can't stand strong tastes i suppose. though it is very nice still. :3 there's the berry yoghurt-y ones that are a little weird. why have berry whatever if you can have chocolate? though i feel like i'll like the berry ones more than dark chocolate ones.
    "dark choco rice cakes (did not like them)" Well, fuck you too then. <--i'm laughing out loud in public jesus Bella why
    i love you too.

    -Sam Lupin

  9. It must be so difficult to be afraid of being out in the world. You're so brave to face the things that you do. I'm glad you're out of the hospital now, it's always a relief to come home. And now you can get back to sewing too!

  10. Glad your back and mostly well!

  11. Hey lovely, I'm so glad you're starting feel a little and are finally home.
    "I'm one of those weirdos that literally doesn't leave the house" haha :)
    I'm sorry I don't have much to say lately. Thank you so much for being there for me and understanding <3 x

  12. just when i went to comment on Alice May's blog, i saw your comment and immediately grin: Melbourne, eh? i won't lie. i've been trying to find out where in Australia you lived as because i like to stalk time zones. of course, i'm cliche - i thought either Sydney or Melbourne.
    also, i'm going to comment reply: :3
    i'm sad you're short on words, i worry that that's because you're not in an okay headspace is all. because i'm short on words when i want to comment but i just mentally can't. i hope that's not the case. i love you too much. i hope you're feeling better. i truly do.
    i had to look up what "dyke hair" is and laughed. cutie.
    that dress is one of my favourites. it doesn't make me look fat.
    i love love love love you too *hugs back*

    wishing you good things, angel.

    -Sam Lupin

  13. hi bella i had been reading your blog through all these years but i could not comment when you disabled anonymous comments but you have always been in my prayers,following your journey for these years has made me feel like i know you personally in some weird way,,,,i have finally started my own blog,,im not familiar with working of blogger,i am so glad that you are better,i dont know how to get people to follow you but i am leaving my comment here,,please check out my blog,and can you please tell me how to follow you?

  14. Hi! Long time lurker first time poster! Sort of didn't want to post because because I'm a private person but I HAD HAD HAD to bust out and tell you I reckon there is light at the end of the tunnel. I used to be a bit like you, except probably not as sensitive to others. And of course a different range of issues/causes since we're all so wonderfully different. And as the years went on, things stopped being so acutely painful. I think it's all part of a bigger plan. Anyway, I'll pray for you, though I know you aren't religious in any way ;)