Thursday, 29 May 2014

Sealed lips & 1,200 days

I had my first 'proper' appointment with the mental health nurse yesterday. From our introduction, she'd caught onto the fact I'm not big on talking, so she's trying to work around a lot of the typical 'talking' stuff, which is nice I guess.

I was kinda zombified through the appointment, in silence until I started to inexplicably cry toward the end. We listened to a mindfulness/meditation track; not to follow along with, just to listen and give me a better idea of what ACT's about. It was fairly long and I zoned out for a few parts, but the I got the gist and I guess it seems like something I'd find applicable. She recomended a few books and CDs and things, and she's going to bring a book to lend me next time. I really didn't talk much though. It was a struggle even when spoken to, and I just sat there hating myself for being so rude, but I couldn't talk.

She talked a bit about general stuff, hobbies and things like that, but even then I couldn't find words. It's so much effort to talk at all when all I want to do is disappear. I know I need to be able to talk. I want to be able to talk. I just can't. I need to be able to break down to someone and cry and say "I can't get through each day, everyday is fucking unbearable, it's all too much, I just want to disappear and I don't know how much longer I can cope with this and I don't know what to do". My GP said the MH nurse would be just like a friend to talk to, but she seems very ACT-focused, so I don't know.

I don't know. Me being me, I need more time to think and 'process' it all. Right now, I actually still feel kinda down about it all. I always set my hopes so high, that one appointment will be the start of things improving, but I know it doesn't really work that way. As a result, I end up leaving feeling worse and more hopeless than I did before. Each day is such a struggle, I don't know what to do anymore. My next appointment probably won't be for another month or so, as I've got GP appointments and The Lung Doctor Man and I really try to avoid having more than two appointments in a week (including the dietician), and I still need to book my bone scan.

I've been so focused on distracting myself and getting through until Wednesday, but now what? Where's the next distant glimmer of hope that things might actually improve? What am I 'just getting through' until now?

I've reached a point of apathy where I'm just waiting for the day to end, dreading the next one starting, and there's nothing I can do. Everything feels so hopeless. I don't want to have to be a part of the world. I want to put my hands over my ears and go 'lalalalala' and ignore the outside world. I want to hide away and slowly fade off into the background. I want the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I simply do not want to deal with reality and existence and the world right now. Hence I've been so awful at keeping in contact recently (sorry).

There've been a few nights this past fortnight where I haven't been able to get a wink of sleep. I don't know why. It hasn't happened in a long time but the sleepless nights and endless days are creeping back in again. I spend a few hours doing needlework, or watch crappy late-night TV shows, or just lie there and stare at the ceiling, suffocated by thoughts and fighting the urges to self-harm. By the morning, I'm hysterical, wide awake and near-manic, tears running down my face, sweating, buzzing. I'm not coping with lack of sleep anymore. It just highlights how hopeless everything feels. The days are too long as it is, and all I do is wait for them to be over, but there's no break, no end, without sleep.

Things are just not good.

My chest infection still hasn't cleared up, and if anything has gotten worse, which isn't helping with my sleep either. Last night I slept, but woke up every goddamn hour, coughing and spluttering. My brother recently caught a cold that turned into an infection, so now I may be developing a cold onto of my infection, which is marvelous. I'm just tired of this infection and not being able to do much - it's been well over a month since I started feeling sick. Mum wants me to see the GP this/next week, so I'll see how I feel on Monday

To finish on a brighter note, although I haven't been sewing while I've been sick, I've been doing a fair amount of needlework to keep myself distracted while stuck on the couch. In an effort to convey to you the amount of work going into this tapestry, I've been logging hours and taking progress pictures every ten. I've up to 32 hours, 40 minutes, and I started on May 2nd, although I certainly haven't worked on it everyday. If you care to look closely, you'll see which parts have been completed and where's 'empty'. That is my apparent progress. The whole picture only shows abut a quarter of the full tapestry, eep.

Also, I forgot to mention a few weeks ago that I reached a 1,200 day streak on MyFitnessPal. As of today, I'm at 1,228 days in a row. Any challengers? Seriously though, I would be devestated if the streak were broken and I had to restart from zero. The things that really matter, right?
(Apologies in advance, but I don't really use it as a social thing, so there is a 100% chance I will decline friend requests, sorry.)



  1. I love you bella and I wish I knew what to say to make it all better and more bearable. Just know that through your struggles and endless days and sleepless nights that I''m thinking of yu and wishing you well and sending you and boo and mini milo hugs and stars and rainbows and rubies. LOVE YOU and message whenever you need I'm sorry I'm useless at contact right now xxxx

  2. my Bella, my beautiful Bella - firstly, you are not rude for not responding much. i'm sure that woman has dealt with a lot more than you not being able to speak much - i'm sure she had patients critising her, or snapping at her rather abruptly or whatnot. i think maybe at some point, it'll be easier to speak to her. she's still an unfamiliar face - unlike your GP and whatnot.
    "I can't get through each day, everyday is fucking unbearable, it's all too much, I just want to disappear and I don't know how much longer I can cope with this and I don't know what to do" i don't know what to say to that. i really am so sorry for how it's been for you the past few weeks and whatnot. you do not deserve to be in so much pain. as i always say, people always deserve happiness but they never deserve pain.
    no it's fine. that you don't want to be contact with the world. that is understandable. it is sad to see you unhappy.
    "The days are too long as it is, and all I do is wait for them to be over, but there's no break, no end, without sleep." this is one thing i can very well understand. it is the worst thing in the world. and the whole wanting the day to end sort of thing. it is very annoying but that is true as well in my case. they are the biggest markers for depression for me. that, and the craving for pure sugar. and not being able to hear people talk. i hate hearing people talk or people talking to me in a certain mood.
    i'm really sorry that you are struggling so bad. it is so sad to see you struggling. you're too lovely to feel so bad.
    the tapestry. i'd love to see that completed. it looks like it's coming out well.
    also, still - your streak is very impressive.
    (also, don't apologise. having friends on MFP is so weird i wouldn't even go there. but i like looking at what other people are eating).

    i'm thinking about you quite a lot, sweetie and always waiting for things to get better for you. always. if i could put all my energy into you getting better, i would. i wish i can offer you some insight or that inkling of hope that things are going to get better, but i can't tell you that. i can tell you that mood is temporary. it shifts. and i'm hoping yours shift soon enough. it'll take time, but i'm hoping that things will get better. if it can get worse, it can get better. that's just what i think. it's not much help. in fact, if someone told me any of this when i'm in a certain mood, i'd threaten to throw myself off a cliff because i hate people underestimating my pain in certain situations. but i just want to say something - really anything - to make you feel even slightly better.

    if you need anything, you have me on Facebook. just chat me up. leave me a message. i do check my FB quite a lot. you're an angel to me x

    -Sam Lupin

  3. When I use MFP I can log in every day and it will still reset me to 0 after about 2 weeks. Every time. I'm not sure why mine doesn't work properly but that reason alone makes me give up on it.

    I'm sorry to hear you've been so down. I like that the mental health nurse tried to work around not talking; as difficult as that may have been. Could you maybe write your feelings about what you need to say down and take it with you as a letter? That way they know how you feel and you don't have to try and summon up words?

    I hope you aren't getting a cold as well as an infection- double illnesses are always terrible. Please see the GP about that, I don't like you being so sick when you're already fragile.

    Your tapestry is beautiful. I've never tried one of those but then I haven't tried embroidery or anything beyond stitching bits of fabric together. I'm still very much an amateur (I dream of being able to sew anything as fancy as you've shown us on here).

    Love to you, look after yourself <3

  4. Dear sweet Bella, I am so sorry that things are so tough right now
    I wish I could reach through the screen and wrap you in a hug that lasts forever
    Please take care of yourself although I know it is futile to say that in the face of this illness

    I am thinking of you today
    I am,,rooting for you and believing in you until you can believe in yourself

    All my love sweetheart x

  5. Bella darling I'm so sorry. I'm so proud of you for going to the appointment whether you were able to talk or not. Your needlework is crazy impressive also.
    I'm sending you as much love as I can and you can always come back and post here - you know we're here for you always.

  6. I don't know you much (well not at all really), but I thought I'd mention something that has helped me. I have had those times where talking is impossible. I tend to shut out everything because it's all ridiculously hard just to function. I smile and joke in therapy because I'm programmed to lie about the bad stuff. If I know things can't be fixed, I don't bring them up. It is really hard to live in your own head or all alone. I am doing that now.

    But one thing I have found helpful is writing what you want to say. I've written letters to therapists. I had a concrete rule in treatment that I would NOT read out loud what I wrote. I would not speak what I had written because really that defeats the whole point. They just had to read it. Sometimes I'd give something as I left, so I didn't have to discuss it right away. I used to occasionally print out blog entries for my therapist. I wouldn't give her the link because I wanted some privacy.

    I guess my point is that sometimes it is easier to write than to talk. You can write at the bad times. You can write when nobody expects you to speak. You can write in the middle of the night when you can't sleep. You can edit and look it over again and again before anyone sees it. I don't know if this will help you at all, but it worked for me when I was incapable of being honest or telling certain things (usually all the bad, suicidal, destructive thoughts) that I couldn't say.

  7. I'm sorry things are low at the moment Bells, I really hope things start to look up for you again. For the insomnia have you thought about sleep aids? Or is that not a possibility due to other medications? I was in a sleepless nights phase at one time and I got some very strong sleep aids from my shrink, just three days worth to reset my sleep cycle. It really helped.

    You are such a talented amazing human being! I for one always look forward to reading your posts. You matter, Bella. You're important. And you mean a lot to us! Love you! Sending hugs!