Sealed lips & 1,200 days

I had my first 'proper' appointment with the mental health nurse yesterday. From our introduction, she'd caught onto the fact I'm not big on talking, so she's trying to work around a lot of the typical 'talking' stuff, which is nice I guess.

I was kinda zombified through the appointment, in silence until I started to inexplicably cry toward the end. We listened to a mindfulness/meditation track; not to follow along with, just to listen and give me a better idea of what ACT's about. It was fairly long and I zoned out for a few parts, but the I got the gist and I guess it seems like something I'd find applicable. She recomended a few books and CDs and things, and she's going to bring a book to lend me next time. I really didn't talk much though. It was a struggle even when spoken to, and I just sat there hating myself for being so rude, but I couldn't talk.

She talked a bit about general stuff, hobbies and things like that, but even then I couldn't find words. It's so much effort to talk at all when all I want to do is disappear. I know I need to be able to talk. I want to be able to talk. I just can't. I need to be able to break down to someone and cry and say "I can't get through each day, everyday is fucking unbearable, it's all too much, I just want to disappear and I don't know how much longer I can cope with this and I don't know what to do". My GP said the MH nurse would be just like a friend to talk to, but she seems very ACT-focused, so I don't know.

I don't know. Me being me, I need more time to think and 'process' it all. Right now, I actually still feel kinda down about it all. I always set my hopes so high, that one appointment will be the start of things improving, but I know it doesn't really work that way. As a result, I end up leaving feeling worse and more hopeless than I did before. Each day is such a struggle, I don't know what to do anymore. My next appointment probably won't be for another month or so, as I've got GP appointments and The Lung Doctor Man and I really try to avoid having more than two appointments in a week (including the dietician), and I still need to book my bone scan.

I've been so focused on distracting myself and getting through until Wednesday, but now what? Where's the next distant glimmer of hope that things might actually improve? What am I 'just getting through' until now?

I've reached a point of apathy where I'm just waiting for the day to end, dreading the next one starting, and there's nothing I can do. Everything feels so hopeless. I don't want to have to be a part of the world. I want to put my hands over my ears and go 'lalalalala' and ignore the outside world. I want to hide away and slowly fade off into the background. I want the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I simply do not want to deal with reality and existence and the world right now. Hence I've been so awful at keeping in contact recently (sorry).

There've been a few nights this past fortnight where I haven't been able to get a wink of sleep. I don't know why. It hasn't happened in a long time but the sleepless nights and endless days are creeping back in again. I spend a few hours doing needlework, or watch crappy late-night TV shows, or just lie there and stare at the ceiling, suffocated by thoughts and fighting the urges to self-harm. By the morning, I'm hysterical, wide awake and near-manic, tears running down my face, sweating, buzzing. I'm not coping with lack of sleep anymore. It just highlights how hopeless everything feels. The days are too long as it is, and all I do is wait for them to be over, but there's no break, no end, without sleep.

Things are just not good.

My chest infection still hasn't cleared up, and if anything has gotten worse, which isn't helping with my sleep either. Last night I slept, but woke up every goddamn hour, coughing and spluttering. My brother recently caught a cold that turned into an infection, so now I may be developing a cold onto of my infection, which is marvelous. I'm just tired of this infection and not being able to do much - it's been well over a month since I started feeling sick. Mum wants me to see the GP this/next week, so I'll see how I feel on Monday

To finish on a brighter note, although I haven't been sewing while I've been sick, I've been doing a fair amount of needlework to keep myself distracted while stuck on the couch. In an effort to convey to you the amount of work going into this tapestry, I've been logging hours and taking progress pictures every ten. I've up to 32 hours, 40 minutes, and I started on May 2nd, although I certainly haven't worked on it everyday. If you care to look closely, you'll see which parts have been completed and where's 'empty'. That is my apparent progress. The whole picture only shows abut a quarter of the full tapestry, eep.

Also, I forgot to mention a few weeks ago that I reached a 1,200 day streak on MyFitnessPal. As of today, I'm at 1,228 days in a row. Any challengers? Seriously though, I would be devestated if the streak were broken and I had to restart from zero. The things that really matter, right?
(Apologies in advance, but I don't really use it as a social thing, so there is a 100% chance I will decline friend requests, sorry.)


xxBella