Cheeseworld, and other ramblings

So we ended up doing a trip to the cheese factory on the weekend. It'd been a long week and mum thought it might help lift my mood a little to try getting out, though it turned out to be a bit of a disaster. Excluding medical appointments and going for drives in the car, it was the fourth time I've left the house so far this year (quick recap: I went shopping in January, did a bushwalk in February, and got a piercing in March). I was only out of the car for maybe five or ten minutes, but hey, it counts.

We were planning to have lunch in the cafe, but I ended up panicking when we were looking at the menu and escaped to the car with a Diet Coke while mum bought the cheese. There were too many people, too many food options, too many items currently unavailable. It didn't help that my stomach's been iffy since I've been sick, so I've been sticking mostly to fresh-and-fruity or plain-and-dry foods or liquids, of which their display was lacking.

We didn't go into town or anything, and just headed straight back after getting the cheese. My mum is fairly addicted to this cheese, so we end up doing a day trip to the factory outlet every so often. Just down the road from the factory, mum pulled the car over and I cried and rambled hysterically for a good half hour, then curled up and sobbed for the first 90 minutes of the two and a half hour journey home.

The rest of the week hasn't been much better. I realised I really can't wait six weeks to see the mental health nurse, and made an appointment for next week instead. I don't know what I'm going to say or what I'm even expecting to come from it, but I'm heading towards a crisis and I'm desperate. I don't know what else to do. It'd have been this week, but I struggle enough with two appointments in a week, let alone three days in a row.

The more I think about it though, the more she's right. I don't know how to live in the now. I'm too busy worrying about the future or moping in the past, and it leaves me too overwhelmed to function. It's paralysing. I'd never thought of it that way before, but maybe I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed all the time if I could actually deal with things at the time.

From the moment I wake up, I'm just waiting for the day to end. I feel so overwhelmed by everything. By life, the world, reality, the hours on the clock. Each day is too much, too unbearable. There is so much I should be doing and I can't do any of it. I'm stuck. I spend hours upon end crying and rambling and repeating myself that it's all pointless, nothing is okay, that I can't do it anymore, it's all too much, oh god, it's all too much. There is nothing to hold on to, nothing to look forward to, nothing to get me through my days, and I don't know what to do.

The GP was Monday.  My chest infection is still hanging around. The painkillers are helping with the bad fevers, but that's about it. She's given me another fortnight on antibiotics and a month more on prednisolone. I'm just tired of feeling so sick. The oximeter was being glitchy and reading my oxygen sats in the 70s, which it most assuredly was not. My checkup with The Lung Doctor Man is coming up in a few weeks, though I can always try to see him beforehand if things get worse.

Sorry this post has been so all over the place. It's been a long week and it's hard to get my thoughts together right now. For now, I think I'm about to return to the couch and finally watch this 'Starving in Suburbia' movie I've heard so much about lately.

8kg (17.6lb) of vintage cheddar - 2kg were for a friend of mum's, though. It's not a great photo but it's four blocks high, 500g each. The 2kg blocks are too difficult to shave so we didn't get any this time. That's somewhere in the ballpark of 32-thousand calories.


xxBella