Friday, 16 May 2014

Cheeseworld, and other ramblings

So we ended up doing a trip to the cheese factory on the weekend. It'd been a long week and mum thought it might help lift my mood a little to try getting out, though it turned out to be a bit of a disaster. Excluding medical appointments and going for drives in the car, it was the fourth time I've left the house so far this year (quick recap: I went shopping in January, did a bushwalk in February, and got a piercing in March). I was only out of the car for maybe five or ten minutes, but hey, it counts.

We were planning to have lunch in the cafe, but I ended up panicking when we were looking at the menu and escaped to the car with a Diet Coke while mum bought the cheese. There were too many people, too many food options, too many items currently unavailable. It didn't help that my stomach's been iffy since I've been sick, so I've been sticking mostly to fresh-and-fruity or plain-and-dry foods or liquids, of which their display was lacking.

We didn't go into town or anything, and just headed straight back after getting the cheese. My mum is fairly addicted to this cheese, so we end up doing a day trip to the factory outlet every so often. Just down the road from the factory, mum pulled the car over and I cried and rambled hysterically for a good half hour, then curled up and sobbed for the first 90 minutes of the two and a half hour journey home.

The rest of the week hasn't been much better. I realised I really can't wait six weeks to see the mental health nurse, and made an appointment for next week instead. I don't know what I'm going to say or what I'm even expecting to come from it, but I'm heading towards a crisis and I'm desperate. I don't know what else to do. It'd have been this week, but I struggle enough with two appointments in a week, let alone three days in a row.

The more I think about it though, the more she's right. I don't know how to live in the now. I'm too busy worrying about the future or moping in the past, and it leaves me too overwhelmed to function. It's paralysing. I'd never thought of it that way before, but maybe I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed all the time if I could actually deal with things at the time.

From the moment I wake up, I'm just waiting for the day to end. I feel so overwhelmed by everything. By life, the world, reality, the hours on the clock. Each day is too much, too unbearable. There is so much I should be doing and I can't do any of it. I'm stuck. I spend hours upon end crying and rambling and repeating myself that it's all pointless, nothing is okay, that I can't do it anymore, it's all too much, oh god, it's all too much. There is nothing to hold on to, nothing to look forward to, nothing to get me through my days, and I don't know what to do.

The GP was Monday.  My chest infection is still hanging around. The painkillers are helping with the bad fevers, but that's about it. She's given me another fortnight on antibiotics and a month more on prednisolone. I'm just tired of feeling so sick. The oximeter was being glitchy and reading my oxygen sats in the 70s, which it most assuredly was not. My checkup with The Lung Doctor Man is coming up in a few weeks, though I can always try to see him beforehand if things get worse.

Sorry this post has been so all over the place. It's been a long week and it's hard to get my thoughts together right now. For now, I think I'm about to return to the couch and finally watch this 'Starving in Suburbia' movie I've heard so much about lately.

8kg (17.6lb) of vintage cheddar - 2kg were for a friend of mum's, though. It's not a great photo but it's four blocks high, 500g each. The 2kg blocks are too difficult to shave so we didn't get any this time. That's somewhere in the ballpark of 32-thousand calories.



  1. MY BABY i'm glad to see you posting something
    it does count. very much so, my sweet angel.
    awwwww my honey *hugs* i'm so sorry that it was so difficult. i really am glad your mother was there though and i hope she was good at calming you down.
    "I realised I really can't wait six weeks to see the mental health nurse, and made an appointment for next week instead." i am very proud of this.
    see this is where i am pretty good at. i struggle to think in the future most of the time, and i'm a very "now is what matters" person. my friend and i were sitting down together and i was just going over some things with her and she was gawking at the students that are graduating from medical school. and she's like "don't you just think about that?" and i had to confess it did not really cross my mind.
    here is where i tell you that i believe in one thing: if you're stuck where you are, you gotta build your own way back home. even if it takes forever. and it's hell coming back home. it's hell building the bridge. getting everything you need. working in day in and day out when everything seems so cold and pointless. but it's worth it. everything's worth something. and you used to love something before so you can love again.
    that's just the beauty of life i suppose.
    all is never lost. not really.
    emotions are temporary. i can't say i'll be feeling the same way 10 months in, or 10 years in. things change. maybe for the better. maybe for the worst. it's the uncertainty that makes life precious.
    i do hope your chest infection is going to go away at some point. i want my Bella healthy!
    I JUST NOTICED HOW BEAUTIFUL YOUR EYES ARE. you have very beautiful eyes and your hair is stunning. honestly, Bella.
    what does one do with all this cheddar i don't understand

    -Sam Lupin

  2. Your fourth foray out and its... to a cheese factory!? xD

    Ugh cheese. You're braver than I am, cheese and I have a love/hate relationship, as in, it's extremely jealous and never wants me to see the toilet again.
    I keep flinching when I scroll the pictures, seeing at what I perceive to be the representation of a giant milkshake made of cheddar cheese...

    I agree with everything Sam said... love the eyes, love the hair, love the nails, LAAAAAHVE the outfit especially, super-gorgeous! May I inquire... what were the shoes? I'm aware that I'm on a laptop, and you're a world away, but I still caught myself straining forward to "see"...

    I also think that with that many doctor's appointments, no wonder you struggle to go out. Every time you go out, someone is poking and prodding at you, either at your body or your brain.
    Is it REALLY any wonder that the world at large seems like such a scary place?

    You're doing great, kiddo... don't despair, I have so much hope.
    You can do it.

  3. I've never known someone to buy that much cheese at once! Holy crap!
    Hang in there sweetie. <3 I'm glad you made an appointment to see the nurse. Proud of you! I hope you start feeling less sick soon.

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  5. I'm glad you'll be seeing the MH nurse sooner. I'm a big fan of ACT, and mindfulness of course. The collage piece I did was for the ACT component of the treatment profram, something they've only recently added as an adjunct to DBT. I suggest you get: The Anorexia Workbook: how to accept yourself, heal your suffering, and reclaim your life (Heffner & Eiffert). It's a nice balance of introducing ACT concepts, exercises, and examples. And I have loads of suggestions for mindfulness if you want some.

    I can so relate to being always trapped in future-worrying or past-brooding. I find it so hard to do anything. It's so hard to try and work on fixing symptoms, if you have no sense of where you're going, and how to get there. That's why ACT is so great, because it works on just that.

    Anyways thanks for your encouragement, it means a lot to me. LOVES.

  6. Cheese World sounds like my kind of place. It must be good if your mum is willing to make the journey for it. Well, at least you got out. Every outing is a good step. I hope you feel better soon. That starving in suburbia movie sounds interesting.

  7. Hello dear, long time no talk. I've been so bad at keeping up with blogger. Wow, that is a lot of cheese. You're hair looks quite lovely, it's so long. I recently cut mine short, so it will be a while until I have long hair again. I'm sorry the anxiety got to you for that long. Living in the present is the hardest thing to do in this day and age. We're so much about what's next what's next??! How can I prepare? We want to be oracles, we want to be able to see what happens before it comes to us. I love you bunches hon, take care.

  8. Girl I'm really proud of you for making an appt with the mental health nurse, you don't have to know what you want just that you need something. Big menus and too many choices and decisions make me anxious too, you did your best and you can try another day.

    I'm sorry it feels like things are really tough now but you know we're all here for you :)

  9. my streak is nothing than. it's just a little under 500 days.
    *whistles* your streak though.
    i want to break mine. i truly do. seeing the numbers like that makes my heart race sometimes for some reason. though at the same time, i like my streak. so if i lose it, i win. and if i don't lose it, i win. :P
    shhhhhhhhhhhh. my Australian princess <3 i cannot. every time i imagine your face and an Aussie accent, i just lose it and want to crawl in my bed and just stay there. you Australians are so charming.
    i think of you whenever the word Australia is mentioned. and then i think how it must be feel like to have Christmas in the summer. because from what i know, you have an inverse of seasons.
    not that i do Christmas. but just a thought. because when i think Christmas = snow.
    "Oh my god, I'm sorry, it's been like a week since I last commented, but I love you lots and reading your posts always makes me smile. Also, can I please add you on FB? :3"
    firstly, don't be sorry. it's alright. i don't mind. take your time. and you focus on getting better. reading anything in relation to you makes me smile. and of course, you can add me on FB. <-- there we go.
    i shall take care. i shall take care. <3

    -Sam Lupin