It's Time to Talk

I met with the Mental Health Nurse for the first time today, after putting it off for the last six months.

It's been years since I've seen anyone with mental health training. The last time I saw a psychiatrist was three years ago, when I was sectioned. I haven't seen anyone regularly and willingly in even longer, since before my ED. Between the last psychiatrist being nothing short of cruel, and the fear of being sectioned or hospitalized again, I've kept as far away from MH professionals as I could. It took a long time for me to even trust GPs again - I hadn't seen one for years until after I started seeing my dietician. But I understand it puts my team in a hard place, and my dietician and GP have been amazing to've seen me for nearly two years now without any MH support.

It was just a quick appointment, maybe fifteen or twenty minutes, and my GP was there too at the start. It was very much a 'get to know you' appointment, to be continued in a month. I sucked at talking, as usual, and kept my eyes firmly fixed downward. My GP started by talking a bit about my history over the last ~18 months. The MH nurse asked about diagnoses and I mentioned anorexia, anxiety, depression, C-PTSD, agoraphobia... I really wasn't keen on talking, so she and my GP were just going to have a better look through my file. 

She did give a good analogy though. Basically, she was saying that with anxiety your mind's constantly worried about the future, and with depression you're set in the past, and either way it stops you from living life in the moment. She thinks ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and mindfulness could be helpful to bring me back to the now. I learnt a little years ago, in non-ED inpatient, just things like stopping and listing all the sounds you can hear, but I've never really known how to apply it. So she might be onto something there. 

In sickness news, the antibiotics don't seem to have helped much at all, and today's my last day on them although I'm on prednisolone for another week. I still feel as congested and phlegmy, I still feel as feverish and exhausted as before. My temperature was back up at 39°c last night although the nausea hasn't been too bad. When I saw my GP last week, my oxygen saturation was up to 96% which is actually a considerable improvement from 95%. Overall I haven't declined but I haven't improved either. I'm seeing her again next week, but I don't think it's worth seeing her earlier unless the pain/shortness of breath gets worse. 

Oh, and I'm finally coming off the Zyban (useless antidepressant) in the next week, and my Mirtazapine's back up to a full dose, although that doesn't exactly help either. I still don't know if there's plans to try different antidepressants or not. Again, it's difficult when I haven't seen any MH professionals for so long. I don't know.

My dietician still doesn't want me exercising which is really getting to me. Without it, I've been smoking even more to try to drown out the anxiety, which is kinda counterproductive. But I've barely exercised for nearly a month now. I haven't weighed myself for two weeks because I'm too afraid to. I'm already dreading how hard it'll be to start exercising again after such a long break, but c'est la vie. 

I'm actually kind of itching to get out of the house, after not going out during April. It's been six weeks since my piercing! Mum's planning a day trip to the cheese factory soon (last night we apparently ran out of the 6kg/13lbs of vintage cheddar we bought in December), so I might tag along if my chest clears up. If not, I'd still like to do more bushwalks. We're already halfway through the month though, and I would like to at least try to get out and about. 

xxBella