A Glimmer of Hope

So, yesterday I saw my GP and found out that;

1) I apparently have BPD

2) Antidepressants won't help me because my depression's "too ingrained"

But let's take a step back to Wednesday when I saw the mental health nurse. She gave me a few handouts on mindfulness - how to practice mindfulness, attitudes to bring to mindfulness, that sorta thing. 

But alongside was a handout for mum's benefit (though I found it quite enlightening) - "Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder". She's mentioned it a few times, and at the last appointment she said she thinks DBT would help me when I'm well enough. But no one's ever mentioned BPD to me before recently. Sure, I figured I had some Borderline traits as a part of C-PTSD, but I've never actually discussed it with anyone. Mum had no idea what she was talking about - she'd never heard of it before.

So I had an appointment with my GP the next day, yesterday, and I told her about the handout on BPD, and that I was a little confused because no one's ever mentioned it before the mental health nurse. She said she thinks it's very likely I have BPD. All the symptoms match. I don't remember ever talking to anyone about that sorta stuff though.

Is it that apparent?

How do they know?

The mental health nurse did ask the psychiatrist about antidepressants, but they won't give any advice unless they can actually see me. I know I should, but I can't. She thought the GP might be able to talk to the psych, but the GP was even less help.

The GP said she was happy with my meds, that she thinks she's helped with the anxiety and mania over the last 18 months. I told her I still don't think my antidepressants (mirtazapine) are helping, but she doesn't seem to think anything else will help either. She said it's "too ingrained".

Too sick for antidepressants, not well enough for therapy. They've always said medication isn't meant as a cure, but as a crutch to help you engage in therapy and make real changes. But I can't even have that.

Sorry for being so miserable guys. It all just makes me feel hopeless. The BPD part doesn't really bother me; obviously it's been lurking for a long time, so it's nothing new. But not being allowed to try any new antidepressants? That is fucking devastating. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this depression. I've been holding on until the next appointment, or until my meds can change and maybe something will help and make slightly less unbearable, but now what? I've just gotta wait until one day I'm magically stable enough to do therapy?

Currently, I'm on;

Morning - 200mg seroquel

Midday - 1mg lorazepam

Night - 200mg seroquel + 45mg mirtazpine

+ 1mg lorazepam as needed

On the upside, she's said I can take an extra 200mg seroquel on nights I can't sleep, which is a relief. "As a treat", she said, hah.

I think I might be getting sick again. It's probably just me overreacting so I didn't mention it to the GP yesterday, but I'll keep an eye on it. Two days ago I started getting painful twinges in my back, which was the first symptom with the last infection. Yesterday I started getting pains in my chest when I cough or breathe in, falling into coughing fits whenever I walk and taking forever to catch my breath, using my puffer multiple times a day opposed to never. The last two nights I've had sweats and chills and have woken up coughing every two hours. My temp was 38°c just before and today everything aches. I just feel awful and exhausted and sick and in pain and ugh, sorry I'm just complaining now. I'm hoping it's just a cold, but I'll see how I feel next week and go back to the GP if it gets worse.

Last week I did 60, 90, and 120 minutes on the aerobic step. The two hours killed me for the day. I did half an hour yesterday, but I think I'll be taking it easy for the next few.

The title's a bit misleading, I guess - I don't have any hope. But I have wine (just two small glasses on Tuesday). I bought it for the label. Effective marketing is super effective!

xxBella