Friday, 11 July 2014

Alone with my Mind

I had my check-up with the Lung Doctor Man this week. 

I forced myself to push a little harder this week so I could tell him I was exercising with a clear(ish) conscience. I didn't exercise at all for seven weeks across May-June because of how sick I was. Since hospital, I'd only been doing 20-30 minutes of step aerobics once or twice a week, but I knew that wouldn't classify as 'exercise' for the Lung Doctor Man (who's previously stated I should be using a treadmill or exercise bike for an hour a day).

So in the week leading up to his appointment, I managed 20 minutes on Wednesday, 30 on Thursday, 90 on Sunday, and 60 mins in a 'last-chance' session that I barely squished in before the appointment (and another 30 minutes afterwards). When he asked me if I was exercising, I just nodded and said "Yep". I was too nervous to say much else. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to tell him my dietician still wants me resting. He didn't push the matter for once, thank god.

Things were going okay, until he decided to weigh me. He doesn't normally weigh me. I was weighed by his assistant at my first appointment, blind, but ever since he's been fine with me saying "It's mostly the same", because it's not like I've gained or lost any hugely significant amount. But not this time. My instant reaction was to run when he tried to weigh me, except for the fact I still needed tests done, so I stuck it out. 

"Okay, but I'm getting on backwards because I don't look at the number."
I don't know if I should've explained more clearly or spoken louder or what, because after I stepped on the scales, he decided to announce the ever-disgusting number.
"Well, gee, thanks for that!" - the most polite thing I could think to say
"You didn't want to know?"
"...why do you think I got on backwards?!
Sigh. Well, I guess he isn't to know these things if he hasn't had ED patients before. Next time I'll be sure not to eat or drink before the appointment. And he'll be sure not to tell me the number. 

My chest is still very congested and irritated, but not as bad as it was, obviously. My spirometery results were 2.4/3.4, which means I have a total lung capacity of 3.4 liters and can exhale 2.4L in the first second. This put me somewhere around 60% of expected capacity (4.1/5.0 - and I should be able to get out more in the first second). Back in November, at my last appointment, I read 3.5/4.0. I dread to think what the tests would say if they were done during the first few days of my admission.

I told him I've been smoking around 30 cigarettes a day (in reality it's slightly more, but it's still the least I've smoked for months), plus several grams of the other stuff. The cigarettes will inevitably increase as the grams decrease. "Still too much", he said. As if I don't know.

I also saw my GP quickly with the clinic nurse on Wednesday. Some of my cuts are infected so I'm back on antibiotics for another week or two (just as I got off the damn things). She wanted me to go back today, but mum's away and my brother's working and I can't leave the house and walk the 450m to get to the safety of the clinic. So next week I see her on Monday to check them, then again for my proper appointment on Thursday (with the dietician and mental health nurse in between). 

I've been home alone the past few days. Mum went away on Wednesday morning, and I quickly found myself in a panic with my mood plummeting. Feeling unsafe, I ended up impulsively downing four lorazepam and spent the day glued to the couch. Over the next two days, I watched The Dead Poets Society, Harry Potter, Starving in Suburbia, Pokemon and Wall-E, even if I couldn't concentrate. Anything to try to distract myself. I want to sew and do things. I just... can't.

I don't mind being home alone for the most part. I savor the lack of structured meals, no pressure, without a care about the time on the clock. Since I'm on antibiotics, I have needed to keep up a rough three 'meals'. I'm still being horrifically lazy and not preparing much real food. My intake's been anywhere between 500-1,000 since I left hospital, though the last two days home alone have been closer to 400, mostly made up of strawberry-yoghurt-milk smoothies, cheese and crackers, apples, popcorn, chicken noodle soup, plain biscuits... I just don't care enough to prepare proper food right now.

Sorry my posts are getting longer and further apart. Everything's just too hard right now.

Selfies after my check-up because it was the first time I did the whole 'real clothes and makeup' thing for a while. I really need to get back to sewing and expand my wardrobe. Apparently I forgot to smile.



  1. I probably shouldn't say this, but you are so pretty.

  2. treadmill or exercise bike for an hour a day. that sounds petrifying to be honest darling. shh.
    " I didn't want to tell him my dietician still wants me resting." and Sam wants you to rest as well.
    i'm both impressed and horrifying by the amount of exercise you are starting to do again - it's just that you just got out of the hospital in my opinion. darling, darling, darling, rest a while. xxx
    i'm glad that your chest is getting better. bad Bella you should be taking care of yourself and not exercising.
    i genuinely just want to know when you have time for 30 cigs a day. now, you see - this is where "the other stuff" just makes me raise an eyebrow. what is she talking about?
    you'll be able to sew and do things. i'm sorry that your mood has plummeted so much. i genuinely just want to do anything to make you feel any better.
    i never care enough to prepare proper food. if it takes a long time, i won't even attempt. my biggest thing is that i'd tell my maid to make x, y and z. i just know i have to fit in proper meals.
    it is insane how thin you actually are. i can never get over that (and i'm not saying it because i have to by the way). wait, isn't it like freezing there? where is the jacket Miss Bella? *tsk tsk* nah i'm just kidding.
    i hope this comment doesn't forget to make you smile.

    -Sam Lupin
    PS. i'm not commenting on most other people's blogs. i don't feel like it but you, darling, always an exception.

  3. You don't always need to smile in pictures. Fuck I don't always smile. On the topic of sewing, I was wondering if you wanted me to see anything for you in Paris? Fashion wise? There's so much here. We're doing shibori dyeing and felting and hat making next week. I'm sure there's something about costume history or something. Love you dear, take care.

  4. you are beautiful Bella.. And you should act/be exactly the way that makes you feel ok.. If you don't want to smile then don't.. If you don't feel like posting every day, don't.. This is your blog, and we are here for you.

    As you told me, try to take care of you hon.

  5. Your "Lung Doctor Man" is really...ignorant. That's the most polite word I can use.
    I hope your lungs get better dear :(
    You should decide when you want to post, you have the freedom :)
    I've been reading for a while but mostly don't know what to comment.
    I hope you feel happier soon.
    You're really pretty! I love the color of your hair!
    I love sewing too ^^


  6. You are beautiful! First of all, I love your outfit, I have a serious love affair with tights. & I also LOVE LOVE LOVE your hair, & this is coming from a hairdresser so take that as a very serious compliment! : )
    Anyways it sounds like you had a rough time while you were posting this tho, being alone & a rough time at the doctors. You can talk to me anytime, I'm always here for you! I hate being alone as well, I don't know what to do with myself and I have an irrational fear that something bad is going to happen.

    Take care of yourself love, hope to read more soon<3

  7. You are gorgeous sweetie.

    I love being home alone; that feeling of complete control and privacy. I know when there's other people around, I feel like I am being watched. So I understand the no pressure thing. It's also scary, because you DO have that control to eat/not eat whatever you want. :(

    Hang in there, babe. Dr's can be dumb, but it sounds like you have so good ones, as well as this stupid idiot.

  8. I'm glad you are eating!! You look beautiful in that pic. Too thin of course but pretty nonetheless. : )

  9. i love you.
    i just want you to be happy.
    i want you to feel better.
    i hope this makes you feel just a little bit better.

    take care of yourself.
    you make me smile.
    you never fail to my day a little better -
    least i can do is try to make yours a bit better. x

    -Sam Lupin

  10. Treadmill is not for you at least not a full hour! Seriously that doc is not doing his homework. Tat wants you resting too, or if you're exercising 30 min should be the max, that doc is not on the map - he might know about lugnd and is right that you should smoke less and help them but he has clearly skipped some heart related classes because he thinks you're not in danger of getting a stroke doing an hour of exercise.
    I'm raising my eyebrows with Sam, what other stuff...
    Hun I'm glad you're better and out of the hospital, let's keep it that way. No matter how your mood is, it's going to be worse at hospital so lets stay out ok? Moderated exercise and trying to see the butterflie of the day
    Love you lots and lots and lots and lots and lots <3 <3
    Get well soon pretty.

  11. re on your question about guided meditation: I only do imagery guided meditations, because deep breathing meditation can trigger a panic attack :/

  12. Pretty picture!

    I'm glad to hear you're putting effort into getting more exercise, it'll definitely help your lungs. But that was such a shitty thing for your doctor to do. It's simple human decency not to tell you a number you're clearly trying to avoid, and he's a doctor so he should have known. Sorry that happened babe! Good luck with the rest of your week.


  13. Hey pretty, this "Lung Doctor Man" sounds really insensitive, please try not to feel too pressured to exercise if you don't feel up to it, or even just don't want to. Anyway, one hour on a treadmill o exercise bike really is quite a long time!
    It sucks to hear that he told you your weight, even after getting on the scales backwards! Jeez!
    I've been watching Harry Potter too, as I've been sick...
    Thinking of you lovely xx

  14. I love you I love you I love you I want to wrap you up and protect you and sit and watch films with you seriously why must everything be so shockingly shit all of the bloody time :/ I really want to flee the uk and come see you someday; know that I love you muchly little starshine xxx