Friday, 19 September 2014


I know I should've updated earlier in the week, sorry. I'm just so exhausted and writing posts seems to take so much energy. 
I'm trying to give myself a break on the 'shoulds' because I know I need to be taking it easy. I just want to lie comatose on the couch all day.

Anyway, I saw the GP and my oxygen sats had improved - as high as 96%, so that's good. 
The painkillers are helping and I don't think I've been as short of breath as I was last week, so for now I think I can avoid hospital, but it's just taking things day by day. She's still holding her breath, but it's an improvement.

I'm seeing her again next week but she said to call first thing in the morning if I need an appointment beforehand, or to go straight to private A&E if I take a nosedive. I think I'd always wait to see a GP first though, just to make sure I'm not overreacting or imagining it or anything. Even last time I was admitted to hospital, I'd half-convinced myself there was nothing really wrong until I saw my oxygen read below 80%.

It was kinda funny, she hadn't really noticed that my heart rate is always tachycardic, and it was diagnosed long before I met her. She was like "Hmm, your pulse is still over 110", and I told her it's usually around that. She asked if it was just high when I'm sick (meaning infections) and started looking back through my notes, and I told her it's been high since I developed Anorexia. She said "Oh, it's probably a dehydration response for you then", but these days I over-hydrate if anything, drinking between 3-6 liters a day.

Dietician was on Tuesday as always, and we were both slightly stunned; my weight had stayed exactly the same for three weeks running, with not even 0.1kg difference. I weigh my clothes to make sure it's consistent, so it's not just a coincidence. It's weird, but I guess it's less stressful than usual maintenance-fluctuations. Prednisolone always messes with my weight though, so the next few weeks' weights are to be taken with a grain of salt.

I know I need to accept that any more losses at this point will be slow and difficult. It sucks, but at least I'm not gaining.
I'm eating small but regularly. On an average day I'll have a little yoghurt for breakfast (26), a strawberry smoothie for lunch (120), an apple or a few digestive biscuits in the afternoon (50-95), and a hot Milo for supper (130).
Dinner is usually beef & veggie stew with toast (160) or rice with soy sauce (140), or if I feel up to it I'll join in a safe family dinner, something like stir-fry with rice or chicken with steamed potato and veggies (140-160). 
Even though it's a lot, it's not quite enough to keep my sugars in the normal range which sucks, so sometimes I need a little more, but I'm managing 500-800 cals most days. 

Next week I have three appointments in as many days; the dietician, the mental health nurse, the GP. I practically live there.

I don't have much more to say, so I'll leave you with some photos of my crappy sketches. I haven't felt up to actually sewing, so I've been doing some drawings and trying to figure out the 'tatters and rags' skirt pattern since I'm starting from scratch. Even though I've made these skirts twice before, it's been a 'make it up as you go along' kinda thing and I've never had a proper pattern, so this is the start of one.

Messing around with colored (black, white and gray) pencils

I'll stop boring you all to death now. 



  1. I'm glad you're oxygen levels have gone up and you can avoid hospital. I hope you get better soon. The skirt will look amazing when it's done. I wish I could make clothes, I'd love to get into making my own Cosplay, but my sewing skills suck, so I'll have to go with store bought.
    Please take care x

  2. i suffer with tachycardia, a few years back i was dx with pots, postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, might be worth looking into as there are meds that can help. x

  3. Your sketches are fascinating and I'm so glad your oxygen levels improved! I hope you begin to feel better soon!
    <3 Lee

  4. I'm glad your oxygen is getting better. Take care dear Bella

  5. Even considering the health scares you go through, you've got the constitution of a horse. Your body is just amazing when it comes to recovering!

    re: there is only one Kindle available to Sweden (from the US, no less) and that is the old one without any fancy-schmancy stuff like back light. We've got wi-fi and that's it (and I don't dare use that because, well, erm, there's a *couple* of not so legal downloaded books on the Kindle and they will be erased). But I love my Kindle anyway and take it with me just like you would a book or a magazine when I know I'll have to wait for something, like a doctor's appointment.

    Hm, wii fit has yoga? I might need one as a x-mas present. "But mooom, it's healthy!"

    I will start with the videos I have (love youtube!) but then I need the bf out of the house. I cannot perform with an audience; it's hard enough in class, when I know no one's watching.

  6. Glad to hear you're feeling somewhat better. Hope you continue to improve xx

  7. I have no idea what is good/bad with the oxygen, but sounds good :)
    I should try your diet? Your weight is astounding, and yeah it would probably be much harder to lose weight when you're so light already. I know I shouldn't be saying this when you're anorexic but I admire your BMI, unhealthy as it is. Of course then again there is so much more to you than just your BMI that makes you such a great person <3
    I hope the appointments don't tire you too much sweetheart.
    You're great at sketches - they're so detailed and neat. Mine are a mess and I can barely understand them half the time :/ I like the idea of a tatters and rags skirt but I tend to throw away my tatters right after a project - I'll try saving them up :)

    Take care dear x


  8. So glad you're feeling better now :) You sound so in control of your diet, you're amazing! If you didn't know that already :) xx

  9. re: I never even thought about doing yoga in the dark. Of course I can do that! Thank you, i would never have thought about it myself! (also on youtube is the best videos I can recommend. She has videos for totally beginners to expectant mothers to weight loss and stress relief.

    I checked out omerica organic's website and am putting together a wish list :D

  10. I don't know why you think your sketches are crappy... You are just so talented hon. :)

  11. "I'm just so exhausted and writing posts seems to take so much energy." don't update if you feel too tired to update. don't put on more stress than you think you can handle, darling. <3 just as a note. also, don't worry too much about being "productive". just relax, and do things at their time and will. i say this simply because i know you've mentioned it a lot. read this comment again if you have to, you magnificent marvellous manifestation of a human being (the alliteration was on purpose, yes).
    lie on couch all day long. the world can wait if it has to. that's what i learned. there's always something else i do insist on believing - stressing one's self out about things is SO EXHAUSTING and one literally ends up stressing themselves out about the things they have to do to the point where they exhaust themselves so much that they really can't do these things (i.e. you know what i'm talking about...i hope. otherwise, this sounds like a load of jargon and i might as well have started this comment in Arabic).
    ohhhhhh. i like that. i'm glad that your O2 has been good! (i can't read oxygen stats yet but 96% saturation doesn't sound bad at all!)
    i am absolutely amazed at how much your lungs can handle. i'm a horrible human being for that, or maybe i'm not, or maybe it's my absolute phobia of just seeing someone smoke. i can get panic attacks over seeing the box (especially if it has one of those 'smoking kills' warnings on it). it is one of the very few things that could give me a panic attack - another being dissecting the shell of hard-boiled eggs.
    wait a second - 3-6L of water? ...nobody has to force you to do this am i correct? do you know how much i absolutely despise water? the only 3-6L of anything i drink includes my long-lasting Diet Pepsi addiction.
    Prednisolone...hmm. i'm not sure how i feel about that one. though that's interesting. not even a 100g difference. i get annoyed when that happens. i'd rather have gained 200g than have my weight stay stable for some reason.
    aw, honey. that 500-800 calorie intake always makes me feel sad. and what makes me sadder that a lot of that is liquid. i can't say much about it, but i do want to express a concern about it. i don't normally do, but i don't like it. mostly because i'm one of those people that think that the best way to express how much you care for someone is by feeding them until they have weight because weight makes them warm and cosy.
    you are not boring me to death! and your schedules are NOT crappy! bad Bella. you really are a talented gal (i will never say the word gal again in my life). <3
    i love you.
    i hope nothing offended you in my comment. it took me literally an hour to write (literally i'm that distracted) and i know it's so easy to manipulate mood without meaning to. i hope that's not the case.

    continue comment on another comment because blogger said i wrote too much.

  12. comment reply for your comment on my blog:
    "1. I can relate to this. I have so many routines and systems, even if it's the order I do things in while cooking or in the bath. It relaxes me more than anything, I think."
    1. i think that's more OCD of you (routine --> quell anxiety). i do honestly believe you have a bit of it in you, but i genuinely think some EDs are just a combination of several disorders in one, namely OCD in relation to food +/- anxiety/depression/addiction/BDD. that's my theory. at least in my case, because when i was deep in ED, i was on the bulimic spectrum. i didn't care much for measuring things or being as accurate or as concise as possible, but the habits developed as a form of a coping mechanism during recovery. i don't have anxiety issues to the point where i would ever qualify for OCD. if i don't have a system, i easily fall into habits of self-destruction. right now, that's just eating a lot of dairy (believe me - i get very very sick). which is absolutely stupid on my part. it is the "lesser" evils i suppose. and oh, if i eat in a certain way, i delude my own self into believing that i don't have a tendency to be depressed. depression for me is not eating, sleeping, and crying all the time, and if i do the complete opposite of that, then i can't be depressed after all (absolute bollocks).
    "2. This makes me sad. I love all of your posts and I wish I could re-read them sometimes." sometimes i wonder what i used to post about myself...hmm.
    "3-4. This also makes me sad. As much as people can suck, isolation sucks ass in the long term, but I understand that sometimes it's just not possible." you of all people would understand that sometimes it's just not possible. right now, i'm very insistent that my sister stay in my room for some reason. i then get annoyed that she is in my room for prolonged periods of time because i make sense like that.
    "5. I was watching A Long Way Down last night, and one of the characters talks about becoming invisible, and that all you need to do is learn how to refract light, although she hasn't quite managed it yet." an interesting prospect. i believe i'd have to wear a glass dress, though that may draw attention to the fact that i am wearing glass. and hey, if i do it in a certain way, i can make a rainbow.
    "6. I love you."
    i love you too. i re-read no. 6 and just started to laugh. i love it when we sync <3
    "7. YES, THIS. I get pissy and just stare or go "WHY, WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER?". The worst is probably when mum asks me what my plans for the day are."
    my mother is always like that. at this moment in time, i can't say anything about it because it'll just go into a lecture about how she cares about me - of which would last 1-2 hours. it is so anger-inducing. oh my god and then there's that whole "MY PLAN FOR THE DAY IS THE SAME PLAN EVERY DAY" feelings. even though they're not. so my point is futile, but it's close enough.

    continue onto another comment because blogger really did say i wrote too much again.

  13. "8. I will probably still ask how you're doing when I message you because I care and genuinely want to know, especially if I haven't heard from you in a while." you are always an exception to everything, my dear. i don't care for most people, but i would give the world to see a bright future for someone as wonderful as you.
    "9. Do you keep a journal at all, apart from your blog? I'm one of those annoying types who find it helps to let it out, even if it's just scribbling thoughts and feelings into my journal. It's helps get it out of my head." that's a bad idea. i also can't write in private without feeling rather stupid. if i can re-read it, i'm going to hate it. hence why commenting on blogs is so brilliant for me because i never re-read my own comments. they're long and boring after the first sentence. i always think i'm quite witty when i write them but if i ever happen to re-read someone's blog and come across my comment, i wish to teleport to the past and prevent myself from using such ludicrous writing.
    "10. I don't believe you. You will henceforth be known as SamBot."
    you flatter me.
    11. i accept your hug.
    12. your welcome. though i don't know what you're thanking me for.

    thank you for commenting on that post. it genuinely meant the world to me because this was very personal information in my opinion. it's never been that personal for me. i felt like i was allowing someone in the vortex that is my mind rather than letting them tip-toe around the cortex and pretend that that's what's bothering me.

    -Sam Lupin

  14. Hey lovely, I'm glad you're starting to catch your breath, so to speak.
    Aha rice with soy sauce is one of my staples too! It's good meal for me being a broke uni student, although sometimes I add some tinned legumes to give it a little more volume.
    I hope you have a good weekend <3 x